… but for Gods sake give me one of them!
I do not usually blog so soon after the last one but I have had one hell of a night/morning since my last post. Which as you know was only yesterday.
I have fallen in love. Lost a child. Broke a fingernail (this is an issue in case you were wondering), I have a bloody date on Wednesday and it is not just broken, it is no longer. Just skin in fact, no nail at all and the skin that is there is blood-red and sodding sore. Then to top it all, I shared my blog (this blog) on my fb profile.
I know you might be thinking that is ok but is it? I have friends on there. Is now the right time for them to know that I am a completely fucked up wreck. Well if it’s not it’s too bloody late.
I like to give the air that I have my shit together and I am certainly not a one for hanging my dirty laundry out to dry, so to speak. I feel vulnerable and exposed and a just a little bit nervous about the reaction to it all.
Up until today I had a whopping 14 readers all of whom I don’t know (except the buddies of course), who I have to say are my proof readers and spellcheckers (they do not trust me not to go too far), or at least one of them doesn’t. She worries and to be fair that is probably a good thing as sometimes I do need a lid.
Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for my 14 readers and I have to admit I was wondering how you grow your audience. I have now found out! You have to share it and be prepared for people you know and those you don’t to see behind the scenes, to know all the things about you that you generally don’t share.
Obviously, it is up to you what you write and how much you share but if you are going to do something like this I suppose it has to be real..ish! I won’t say that some things may not be embellished, after all who doesn’t love a good story. On the whole though, I hope it will be true to life and currently my life is hard bloody work.
This may change and one day my tales will be dull and not exciting at all but until then I hope that you all at least enjoy a good read if nothing else.
It is weird to have it all out there but I am going to go with it and see what happens. Although I am a bit scared about going back to work on Thursday!
So feel free to share it amongst your friends if you want to, comment and let me know what you all think. Although it goes without saying I only want people to say nice things.. this isn’t a debate… 😉
In other shocking news today. My son who still thinks he is an adult has been missing all morning! He had a sleepover yesterday at his friend’s house and apart from a hasty call at 8 am this morning to tell me he was going to the skate park in town, why do boys get up so bloody early? Have a lie in for heaven’s sake it’s the holidays, he hadn’t been heard of since. I was supposed to pick him up at 12.
Anyway at 2 pm I still hadn’t heard a word from him. Called; phone is switched off. Messaged, several times, no response. By 2.30 pm I am wondering if I should be worrying. I am not a worrier by nature. I have a naive tendency to think that everything will somehow just be ok. Then the landline rings, it is Tom.
This very sheepish voice says ‘Hi Mum, I’m at the Health Centre because my phone is dead and I couldn’t call you, can you come and get me?’
No! I’m not coming to get you. I don’t want you back. You are going to be the bloody death of me and I am too young to die. You are 11 son. I need to know where the bloody hell you are.
It was all I could do not to paste him up the wall when I got there. If it wasn’t my place of work I think I might have done. It was the hardest I have ever tried to be a reasonable, rational, responsible mother, instead of the raging mad, bat shit crazy one I feel like.
He looked at me like he knew I was going to lose it and knew instinctively that he should probably keep quiet.
Old images of my mother swatting me around the head when I was a similar age and shouting at me in front of loads of people filled my head and in that split second I knew exactly why she had done it.
We walked to the car in silence. Then it hit me. He did do the right thing. He absolutely should go to the Health Centre if he is stuck, or if something happens and he needs help. The alternative is him panicking about how he is going to get hold of me and worrying about talking to strangers.
We chatted in the car before coming home and he looked at me with those bloody eyes of his and all was forgiven. ‘I know you hate me, he said’ Jesus. Tom, I do not hate you, I worry about you, all the time. I need to know that you are safe and being sensible and I want to give you the freedom to be with your friends but you have to understand how hard it is for me not to worry all the time. I worry from the moment you leave the house until the moment you come home. If I had my way you wouldn’t go anywhere, ever.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am struggling to cope. As the kids get older the challenges just become bigger, more worrying. I feel like I have less control not more.
The other issue that is making me very anxious today is the fact that I have completely fallen hook line and sinker for J. This distresses me a great deal as I haven’t even laid eyes on the man yet! What the F*** is happening to me. Where did my sanity go? Oh I forgot, I don’t seem to have any at the moment.
I kid you not, I can barely eat and I can’t sleep. The texting thing has got way out of control and I have no idea where we go from here. We have been texting for a week. We can’t meet till Thursday as that is the first time we are both free and I just have this feeling in my gut that the disappointment I felt Saturday will be nothing compared to how I will feel if it turns out that J is not the, funny, smart, sexy bloke that has been texting me for the last week.
Last night we were texting until 1.30 am. It is the kind of texting that is addictive. Good witty stuff that has you actually laughing out loud and smiling like a goon, while sitting on your own, in your fluffy pyjamas, pretending you are a sex goddess. It gets a bit rude in places but more innuendo than blatant rude and it is flirty and then serious again.
I don’t think I have ever enjoyed something so much since, well, I can think of lots of things but I probably shouldn’t go there, anyway lets just say I haven’t felt such a buzz in ages.
You might think this all sounds very positive and it does but what will happen after Thursday? My heart will be broken and I will have to start all over again with someone else! I can’t do it.
I’m falling apart at the seams, my life is unravelling before my eyes. I should like to go back please to the time before my son started secondary school and before I drunkenly agreed with my friend that online dating would be a good idea and actually, Oh sod it let’s go back further than that… to a time when I was young, free and single….. can’t I please, just start again?