To say that I have been a little anxious about this next post is an understatement.
Going back to work on Thursday was terrifying. I love my job, I have said it many times and I love the people I work with (well, I have to say that now, as they are all reading this probably) but I was dreading the reaction to everyone knowing about the blog.
Most of my colleagues are on fb so of course we are friends and while I am not usually a serial poster on fb and they know bits and pieces about my life from that and general chit-chat in the office, they don’t know everything. However, now I am exposed as a blogger, or wannabe blogger, it is all out there for the picking.
The fear is that you will be rubbish at it and everyone will laugh at you, rather than with you.
To my surprise everyone was very nice about it all. Why I was surprised I don’t know, on the whole they are all very nice people but unlike most of the people who may or may not read this blog, I will see these people almost every day. This does put a certain amount of pressure on you to A: to be funny, B: to be nice (especially about people you will see) and C: to remember you are not a celebrity… yet! ;
Anyway lets move on.
I am, once again calm, well as calm as I ever am. As all my dates are over. Thank Christ. I lost weight this week and I am pretty sure it was anxiety related. Not sleeping/eating and by the time I got around to going on my date with J Thursday, I looked like a bag of spanners. Although most of that is his fault to be fair as texting until 2 am doesn’t usually lead to a restful night’s sleep.
I feel bloody dreadful. Recently I have had to start using reading glasses. An age thing apparently, although who wants to admit that? It is mostly for close up work, small writing etc. However, this week they have been permanently attached to my face as my eyes are hardly open!
Even now I am struggling to focus. I did though, sleep marginally better last night (Fri). I think from relief that I had finally got to the end of the week and had now met all of the potential husbands, ‘expertly’ suggested by the dating site and for now (mostly because I have refused to log in for a week), there are no more waiting in the sidelines!
Oh, just thought, I should probably send an email to the dating site to advise them of my progress so far, as their experts don’t seem to quite know what I am looking for!
So let me tell you about my dates.
On Wednesday I met T, it was a bit of a rush to say the least. I had to take the kids to my Mum’s and they both had youth club so I couldn’t collect them until 6.30 pm, then had to drive to Mum’s and back as T had decided he didn’t want to meet locally (he lives in same town as her, pretty much), nearly always a bad sign. Apparently, he didn’t want to bump in to anyone he knew. Visions of The Kray twins popped in to my head at that point, not sure why.
I wasn’t sure if he was worried I would look like a monster and just to be on the safe side didn’t want to have to introduce me to anyone or if he was a ‘proper face’ and couldn’t go anywhere without trouble following close behind.
Knowing my luck it was probably the latter.
So you can imagine my relief when on arriving at the pub he was alone and not flanked by two suited men with shotguns and pockmarked faces.
We introduced ourselves in the same awkward fashion as is required on a first date and debated if a quick peck on the cheek was necessary. I was inclined not to. In all honesty it was a fairly average, nondescript date. He was a fairly average and nondescript man. I’m not saying he was bad but I’m not saying he was good. We seemed to chat okay and conversation was fairly easy. He seemed funny and relaxed… but… and let’s be honest, you knew it was coming; he was not for me.
There was nothing about him that made me think anything at all. I wouldn’t say bored, just not enthralled. Am I expecting too much? God knows!
He was 37, never married, no children. Kind of gave the impression that he had not really had many relationships (I know, I should be grateful after last Saturday’s gigolo) but he wanted someone to have a full on relationship with. He was lonely. At an age where most of his friends are probably married/settled, starting families. I can’t and don’t want to make a commitment like that to anyone.
We are looking for different things. I won’t say I am not looking for a relationship of sorts, but the kind that is casual to a certain extent and as and when you are both available with no pressure on either side. Still exclusive but not necessarily with all of your extended family involved in the relationship with you.
I’m probably not making any sense at all but I know what I mean. I think.
So, after an okay evening we decided to call it a night. He said he liked me and wanted to see me again. I said, all of the above and to avoid any more conversation he said, he would text me. Great.
He tried for a couple of days to get me to meet him again but I was not having any of it. So as politely as I could I re-explained all of the above and I haven’t heard from him since yesterday.
Now, I know this will sound big-headed and don’t take this the wrong way but it was obvious he fancied me. I am not insinuating that I am in any way akin to Claudia Schiffer but I can hold my own. However, men are much more susceptible to looks than women. I hope this does not offend any of my male readers, few that they are, when I say that with men it is usually a case of, Yep. I would! Then decide after if she can hold a conversation or not, or even if that matters.
I know, before everyone gets all uppity, that is a sweeping statement but true in most cases, in my opinion. However, although it is true that women are just as easily turned on by looks, especially, hot, dark ones, we do generally need to feel like there is a smidgen of a connection going on. Even if it is miniscule.
I feel I should add here, that for those of you who knew me in my ‘repping days’ I was drunk, often! Nothing further to add your honour.
This was unfortunately not the case with T. There was also the issue of him not having had children. He may or may not want children but I, most certainly, do not. I am having life struggles with the two I already own. The teenage years are like a field of land mines at the age of 45 and I certainly don’t want to be navigating it again at the age of 60! No, just no.
So luckily, depending on how you view the world, I had one date left to go. Yep.. the date with J.
So giddy with excitement was I about this bloody date that I had almost made myself sick. I thought I was going to have to cancel on the morning as I couldn’t function properly, eyes still not working, looked fucking terrible from lack of sleep and hadn’t eaten in almost 36 hours. My stomach was full of acid and had started to become extremely anxious so what was left promptly made its way to the bottom of the toilet every couple of hours or so. Gross, I know but I want you to feel this.
How is this even remotely possible? To be so completely consumed by someone you have never met. Normal? I don’t bloody think so. Exciting? Fuck me, yes.
Will it remain this exciting? Unlikely.
In a funny sort of way I didn’t want to go on the date because what if it didn’t live up to expectations and although we had both agreed ‘by text’ that we obviously could not expect too much and there would be no pressure on either of us to have to like each other, it was also obvious that we both wanted to.
I have invested heavily into this texting, my body is testament to that. I can’t have gone through this whole week feeling the way I have to then be left with nothing at the end of it. I wont allow it.
I have been laughing out loud to myself. Smiling like a half-wit at some of the things he says and grinning stupidly at the wall, while sitting on my own in fluffy pyjamas. I am completely smitten with his chat. We have spoken on the phone and while he does not sound like Gerard Butler he doesn’t sound like Minnie Mouse either. He tells me he has never been a great texter and so he is finding it quite amusing that he now wants to text all the time. While I on the other hand feel like a crack addict, who is just sitting waiting for the next fix.
At this point it might be good to remember, I am 45 years old, bitter about the whole ‘love’ thing and cynical to say the very least.
I am soooo freaking freaked out by it all and now it is here, the date I mean. I t is Thursday (well it’s not, it’s Saturday but you know what I mean), I am going to meet him and I have even agreed that he should pick me up, from my house!
I know. It goes against everything you hear and read about online dating. Buddy almost had a bloody heart attack when I told her and we had to have an emergency security meeting at work during lunch but the need to have a drink this time, far out weighed any grain of sense I had left.
…and so as I waited for J to pick me up and tried desperately not to throw up, I had absolutely everything I could cross, crossed…
…to be cont’d