… to say that J and I are no more.
Our brief but very satisfying ‘relationship’ has come to an end.
I feel almost bereft.
Strange but true. I can’t describe, properly, how I really feel about this, although the sad emoji is doing a pretty good job of it.
It was an unexpected end and maybe that is why I am struggling with it. In fairness, I shouldn’t be struggling with it at all, it was after all such a very brief thing, whatever it was that was happening between us.
Our date on Wednesday was ‘fine’, we went for dinner it was ‘nice’. However, the bowling alley was a disaster and full of very loud and very over excited teenagers. We forgot about the half term thing! It was awkward and difficult to have a conversation. The fantasy definitely did not match the reality. We should have gone to the dodgy pub outside town at least it would have been adults only.
In the car at the end of the evening we sat and chatted for a while and we had that awkward conversation about how we were going to spend time with each other. J is away a lot on business, has family commitments as do I and it is not always easy to just drop everything to meet.
We worked out that between us the next five weekends are a no go as far as seeing each other goes. We both have lives outside of each other but that is normal, surely. No one said this would be easy, for me though I would like to give it a fair crack of the whip, difficult as it might be.
The conversation was getting us both down and so we left it there and decided to test the chemistry between us instead. It was still working!
Unfortunately for us the conversation had embedded itself in to our heads and the texts between us changed dramatically after the date. J was straighter and polite almost to the point of disinterest.
I found that frustrating.
You have to bear in mind that up until this point the texting had been full on, perhaps too much so and if I’m honest it has been me who has been holding back out of the two of us. We barely know each other and while it has most definitely been fun and I have laughed out loud and romanticized about where this is going it was J that was the persistent one of the two of us.
We spoke again about how difficult things were going to be. I could feel him backing away. So I naturally backed off too.
It is now Sunday and I miss him. I miss the texting, the chat and the laughter. Yesterday in an effort to rid my mind of J, I ploughed on in the garden. It was long overdue and took me hours and although I pruned, mowed and trimmed all the bushes, every single minute of those 5 hours spent trying to wear myself out, I thought of J.
He has been in my head, constantly, for a little over three weeks. Three weeks! FFS when you say it like that, it does put things in to perspective a bit. Three weeks is nothing. Three weeks of life in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the ocean and I know that in another few weeks time I wont even think about J anymore but it’s the seed. The seed had been planted and it wanted to grow and now it is starved of water and oxygen it is withering away, slowly.
Today I feel a bit better. Marginally. Last night we exchanged a few texts and they will be our last.
He tried to explain that because we wont be able to see each other he doesn’t want to commit to anything. He feels that it is unsustainable to keep things ‘alive’ by text and that texting all the time anyway is going to be difficult. That we will get tired of not being able to see each other and to avoid any future heartache it is best to end it now before we get too involved.
Too involved. Is he for real?
Er, Newsflash mate. I am involved. I’m in or at least I was. Or prepared at least to give it a chance. How will we know if we don’t try? I can’t decide if I like him enough to marry him but that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, we’ve been on two bloody dates for Christs sake. Something that I quickly reminded him of.
I am not heartbroken, we barely knew each other but I feel empty again. It’s that horrible feeling of rejection I suppose. It hurts. I know that this is a fleeting feeling and I will of course get over it. That thought doesn’t stop me from feeling sad about it all though.
My heart is telling me it is ok to be sad after all I liked him, we knew that and my head is telling me to get a bloody grip and stop being so silly, it was a couple of dates, that’s all.
In all fairness I was questioning my attraction to him on Friday. Chatting to the buddies at work and trying to explain that while I didn’t find him drop dead gorgeous and knicker meltingly hot; he was funny, we got on well, we laughed and seemed to enjoy each others company and there was a sexual attraction of sorts. I know this because we had tested it and I liked it, I liked him.
I tried to explain that I don’t care. I just want to see what happens. There is no pressure here for it to be anything that it isn’t. Just take it as it comes.
If you are scared of the future how will you live? How will you find the things that thrill you, move you or just please you? How will you find the things that don’t?
We have only been on two official dates but we have actually seen each other four times, two were in secret and were ad hoc, last-minute hook ups, not for sex but just because like I was saying, sometimes it is not always easy to get away, so when you do get a couple of hours to yourself, well… why not?
We have both lived 45 years of our lives. Yes, there are things that I wish I had done differently but in general I have lived life how I wanted to live it. I have made mistakes and hopefully learned from them. I have loved, if only lightly and have been hurt, both in love and in life. That doesn’t however, stop me from wanting it again.
It is hard to be completely honest with yourself sometimes and even harder to put that honesty out there for all the world to see.
I don’t really do emotions. I have a shell and it is there for a reason. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I have a hard time showing my softer side, especially in relationships but I try not to let this stop me from starting a relationship should one come my way. I still want it.
I like to think that love takes many forms. However fleeting. I believe that people come in to our lives for different reasons, some to make us realise what we have and some to help us realise what we want.
He knows I am not happy about the decision. I also questioned whether I had the right to be unhappy but I don’t care. I do have the right to be unhappy and I do have the right to let him know it. Whether I am more unhappy because the choice about where this was going has been taken away from me, I don’t know. It is a question I am still trying to work out the answer to.
You know that feeling that you get when you are not sure whether you want something or not but when someone says you can’t have it you just want it even more.
I am too old and life is too short not to be honest about how I feel. I am not that shy, awkward teenager anymore and whilst I don’t want to come across as a stalker or needy in any way because that is just not me, I just needed to tell it how it is and how it is, is bloody unfair.