Kinky boots…

This blog has sex talk in it.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you Mother.

The hardest thing about being single is not having to do all the chores yourself, even the manual ones, it is the decision about whether to remain single or not.

I quite like being single.  I consider myself to be an independent woman, I can look after myself.  Therefore, I don’t really crave a relationship of the conventional kind.  I do however, still have cravings though!  If you get my drift?

… but despite the fact that I keep telling myself  I am not looking for a relationship, I am dating.  So what am I looking for?  I tell myself that I am looking for a casual relationship, something where you are dating but with no pressure on either side to be any more committed than having evenings out together and hopefully sensational sex at the end of it.

This, it turns out, is much harder to come by than I first thought.

I really thought it would be a piece of cake to find someone of a similar age to me who is independent, has their shit together and is not needy of female company but instead enjoys it and is happy to indulge in a semi-casual relationship with all the benefits and none of the drama.

So far this is turning out to be impossible.

Saturday night I went on date number five with R, 45 from East Sussex.  He was dull.  I can’t say it any other way.

It was a quickly arranged date as he was keen to find out if we had ‘chemistry’.  He told me he was looking for a relationship and still believed that the love of his life was around the corner.  He also mentioned that just incase I wasn’t the love of his life we wouldn’t be having dinner as he wasn’t going to pay.

Good, glad we both know where we are!

Even though he possibly could have worded it better I did understand what he saying.  I do not expect the man to pay for everything, especially these days when it is clear that people go on a lot of first dates.  I would imagine it can work out quite expensive if you insist on maintaining your gentlemanly morals.

Therefore, I would have been quite happy to pay for my own dinner but it was clear I wasn’t being given the option.

We met as agreed at 7.30 pm and I have to admit I struggled from the off.  I wasn’t attracted to him at all.  We got a drink at the bar together before finding some comfy chairs in the corner of the pub and as we started to chat I knew I was in for a long couple of hours.

The chat was almost interview like with what seemed like rounds of quick fire questions with a small pause in between so he could digest the answers.  I struggled to find things to ask him because to be quite honest I couldn’t give a monkeys what music he liked or where he went on holiday or if he had ever once had any bloody hair.

Does anybody over the age of forty have any hair, if they do they are obviously lucky enough to still be married.

He slipped in the occasional joke, like when he went to the bar to get the next drink as I paid for the first one, he said don’t worry I wont spike it.  Great thanks, glad to hear it. Knob.

I may not have thought anything of that comment but previously when we had been texting he mentioned rohypnol and how he promised he wouldn’t use it.  It is bad taste, especially when you are meeting a man you hardly know.

I wanted out of there but I am not one to be rude and so I made chit-chat and answered all his many questions about my past relationships, my children, my love or not of animals and my favourite place to go on holiday.  Then thankfully after two drinks we seemed to be running out of steam.

I asked if he wanted another drink, what can I say I have been brought up well, he said no and to be honest nor did I.  There is only so much soft drink you manage before you start feeling completely bloated and full of gas.   Once again this highlights the disadvantages of having to drive to these bloody things.

He said he was happy to just continue to sit and chat for a bit longer as he was having a good time.  Ohh really, Jesus… Someone give me something alcoholic please.

How do I keep getting this so wrong?  Would I be having a better time if I at least fancied him?  If I fancied him would I enjoy the conversation more?  If I found it dull and he was good-looking would it matter, I might still get good sex at the end of it?  What if he was gorgeous but dull and then the sex wasn’t great either?  Oh god I’m drifting, focus girl, focus.

I can’t seem to find anyone that I want to have a second date with never mind have sex with.

Then to my horror I heard a distant voice say, ‘well on our next date we could…’

I’m sorry did you say next date?

I wouldn’t like to say what my face was portraying at that particular moment in time but it would have been something along the lines of…  NO, just no, there isn’t going to be a second date.

He clearly read my expression well as he then just came out and asked me whether or not I wanted to go out with him again.  Oh God, really, you want to do this now?  Why couldn’t you be like the other 4 and just text me after?

So there I was on the spot and having to nicely say that although I found him great company I didn’t really feel any attraction so there probably wouldn’t be any point in another date *smiling nicely.  He was surprised by this.  FFS, of course he was.  He couldn’t have just turned around and said, oh… Thank God for that, I don’t feel it either. That would have been far too bloody easy.

Instead he had to tell me that I had given him good signals all night and that we had talked a lot and seemed to get on well and he didn’t understand why I felt that way.  I apologised, why I don’t know, because I’m nice?  He just stood up abruptly and said well we might as well call it a night then.

Okay, if you insist.

He strutted across the car park said a very harsh goodbye got in his car and drove off. Leaving me once again open-mouthed and staring in to the dark night wondering why I put myself through this shit.  Once more I told myself this will be the last one.  I have only had 5 dates and in the grand scheme of the dating world I don’t think that is probably many but Jesus, they are draining the life right out of me.

So now I have had it with the paid dating site.  It is dull and the men are dull, they seem old and sensible and conservative and that is just not me.  I am trying to engage but I am just not feeling it.  If I am going to do this I am doing it my way.

This week I took the plunge and joined one of the large free dating sites.  It is soooo different.  I am having a great time.

It is much more to the point and I like that.  I can’t be doing with all the polite chit-chat that usually ends up leading to Nowhereville.  Say what you want to say and have done with it.  If I like what you say I will reply and if I don’t I wont.  Obviously I expect this to work both ways.

I no longer feel like I am only person in the world who wants to have sex anymore.  It seems I am far from alone.  The tricky bit now is finding someone I like, who likes me and doesn’t just want to tie me to a bush and tickle me with a feather duster for hours.

There are certainly no rules on my new dating site. Well except for the no nudity rule, which I have to say is not policed very well.  I have had more than my fair share of anatomy shots already.

Some of the men are forward, some too much so but it is up to you if you engage and generally speaking if you don’t, you don’t hear from them again.  They are the ones looking for easy and are not prone to hanging around.

So far I have been offered a part in a home movie, a red room experience at a flat in Barnet and enough kinky sex to last me well in to the New Year.

I wanted to say yes to all of it.  Does that make me a bad person, I don’t think so.  I enjoy sex and always have and I am not afraid to experiment.  However, whilst I want to enjoy the freedom of being able to have a sexual relationship I have also (probably since joining this site) come to the conclusion that I would still like a modicum of commitment with it.

There are men of every variety on this site, whatever your type is, it is available but they are all just looking for sex, well most of them anyway.  It’s free and it would seem very easy to come by.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to get a message on a Tuesday evening and meet for sex on Wednesday.  Do I want to?  In my head, yes I do.  In the reality, I have no idea.

I like the fantasy of it but the reality would be somewhat different.  I don’t want to be used and abused but I am still craving some excitement.

If I had no other commitments I fear I would turn in to a loose woman, for nowadays it is okay to have sex on a first date, apparently and why the hell not?  I am an adult.  I have a sensible head on my shoulders, well most of the time and if I like him and he likes me why can’t I have sex with him. who says there has to be any rules.

In my twenties I worked as a holiday rep. By definition they have a very bad reputation, for being drunk most of the time, sleeping around a lot and generally being about as much use a chocolate teapot.

I like to think I was a good rep, I cared about whether people had a good holiday or not that did not however mean I did not have a bloody good time while I was doing it.

Life is no longer like that for me though and while I am all in favour of free love in the right circumstances, I want to know that while I am busy doing all the other things that 45-year-old women with children do, he isn’t off shagging half the county.

I think I have realised that while it is okay for people to indulge in no strings attached sex and seek to fulfill their sexual fantasies, whatever they might be, for me it is only in the confines of a relationship that I feel comfortable enough to be my true self.

In a relationship where you are both committed, you are honest and open with each other, you both trust and respect, can you really be free to express yourself sexually.  For women especially I think there are things that you would do for or with your partner out of love and respect that you would never contemplate on a one night stand or casual encounter.

You need to trust your sexual partner explicitly and unless danger is your thing then you won’t have that with a random stranger.

I am not saying you can not have a one night stand if the mood takes you and if you are both willing and able then why not but if you want to indulge in something a little more kinky, then it might be better to hang on until the second date at least.

Nobody wants to be left handcuffed to a door frame for days.

 

So to summarise I think what I want is a…

boyfriend
ˈbɔɪfrɛnd/
noun
  1. 1.
    a person’s regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

I will even buy my own dinner if I have to, as long as there are some perks and he has a full head of hair.

 

 

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