Drumroll please…

I have an announcement to make.

No.  It isn’t that I got a text from K, to say he had a lovely time on our date and he would absolutely, definitely love to see me again.  I’m afraid that didn’t happen.  Despite me texting him and asking if he wanted to see me again, in a non pushy, just generally nice kind of way, which I have to say, is a first for me.  I haven’t heard a thing.  Except deadly silence.

However, I have had sex.  Today and good sex, at that.  Full sex with extras and very bloody nice it was too!   I apologise if that is a little bit too much information and I’m sure for some it will be, if so, you may not want to go any further into this particular blog.

You see the thing about writing about your life and it’s ups and downs, is that it is kind of warts and all.  It is hard to decide how much information you should share with people and what you should keep private.  If you don’t share the things that happen then it is harder to bring them in at a later date if you need to, as you would have to explain it all right from the beginning anyway.

I don’t feel the need to tell you absolutely everything about what happened, after all this isn’t supposed to be erotic fiction but I do need to tell you some of it, don’t I?

So today I met M.  After a week or so of fairly frivolous texting and him cancelling our original meet , which was supposed to be Tuesday, we met today.  I was in two minds about whether this would actually happen and had been trying not to get too excited, as that is a definite no-no in these situations but I found myself once again, really hoping that he would.

There has been much discussion about this subject at work this week and opinions are very mixed, to say the least.   It is still slightly frowned upon by some that people, women in particular, should be so open about wanting to have sex.  Why?  I don’t know.

I am a grown woman, granted I can forget that sometimes but overall I know where my head is and I know when I am happy or not in a situation.  I like to think that I am old enough to know the difference between good and bad, right and wrong etc etc but I still would like to have sex, please.

I for one haven’t always been very confident in the bedroom department, especially when I was in my twenties but over the years my confidence has come with age.  I am happier now than I ever have been, yes there are things that I find difficult to deal with and stressful but overall I am content with my lot and comfortable in my own skin.

I have had a lot of sex in my lifetime, with a lot of partners.  I know this sounds very loose and perhaps it is but this was in no way intentional, it just happened that way.  My relationships have never made it past the 7 year itch and most never made it past 7 months, never mind 7 years. However, the plus side of this, if there is one, is that I know what I like and I’m not afraid to keep looking for it.  Neither am I going to say no, when it does come along, even if it is only temporary.

This does not mean that I am not fussy.  I am incredibly fussy.  I know what I want and I won’t settle.  Not anymore.

I do not want to feel guilty for having sex with someone who I may or may not see again.  If it turns out to be a one time only thing then I am fine with that.  It is consenual sex, mutually agreed by both parties and therefore not illegal, shameful or disrespectful in any way.

I wanted to have sex with M and I wanted to do it today, I had pretty much made up my mind that if I liked him (in the flesh) and of course he was up for it, then we would indeed, do the deed.

I did like him and it was obvious he liked me.  I think we both knew that we would like each other.  We talked for a bit and it was comfortable but charged, there was expectation on both sides and it wasn’t long before he made a move, it was as easy as that.

The whole thing, from start to finish, was very pleasureable.  It was not awkward or pressured or uncomfortable, just easy, relaxed and fun… and quite hot, actually!

Well, apart from one, Oh shit! moment, when way too far into the proceedings, I suddenly thought about protection.   I know!

A vision of the roasting I would get from the buddies about ‘unsafe’ sex had me losing my mojo quite quickly.  I put us both off our stroke a bit when I shouted quite loudly, ‘Oh fuck, wait, we need to stop’, while practically shoving him in to next week.  Luckily he was not at all put off and after a few minor adjustments carried on from where he left off.

It was all that bloody kissing, it just makes you lose yourself.  He was very tactile not something that I am usually okay with, as I’m more of a fast and furious type but I liked it.  He was considerate and confident and very, very pleasing.  After, we talked for ages, well he talked for ages, Jesus but he can waffle.  I thought I talked a lot but I’m not a patch on him, we had tea and toast in bed and we chatted and laughed, a lot and then had some more sex.

I mean really, what is not to love about that?

I am smiling now as I think about it.  I am satisfied in that, cat that got the cream kind of way and now, whatever will be will be.  He said he would like to see me again but lets not forget the GF.  I’m still pretty certain there is one.  However, it was not discussed today.  Will it be?  Maybe, if anything more happens, who knows?

We have text since and both agreed that we had a really good time.  I’m not pushing anything, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t then that is fine too.

For now I’m happy.  A very satisfied happy and looking forward to a bloody good nights sleep, in a bed full of toast crumbs probably but I don’t care.  🙂

 

 

 

Where are we…

I have lost my train a little bit.

Last week was so busy I can’t quite remember, where we are or what we’re up to.

January at work is the worst month of the year, without question and once you to get to this point in particular, everyone has well and truly forgotten all the Happy New Year bollocks and have returned to just being their usual horrible selves.

It has been a truly manic week in more ways than one.

The NHS is in the news again.  It happens every year about this time.  Tales about how the hospitals are not coping and people will have to wait months to be seen.  The ambulance service is stretched to breaking point and NHS staff everywhere are overworked and barely coping.

We called an ambulance for a patient today.  It was  a blue light response and by time I had been to the toilet and back the ambulance was parked outside and the crew were attending to the patient.  Not a terribly bad service I feel.

The pressure on the NHS in all departments is huge.  The demand has risen, our population has grown massively over the last few years and we all expect a lot more than is sometimes reasonable these days but I am a staunch defender of it and the people who work in it.

I am overly protective of it, to the point where I will argue for days if necessary about the benefits of it.

I have in the past had my disappointments in its services, particularly when my Dad’s cancer was misdiagnosed and the fight we had for treatment when really, it was too late by then.  I have also seen this happen since to friends and to patients.  It is heartbreaking and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but even though these horrible things can and do happen, I cannot be ungrateful for our NHS and what it stands for.

I know there are improvements that could be made almost everywhere and that funding and staffing and so many other things are an issue but when it works and we have all hopefully seen it work in some way or another it is amazing.

I really love my job.  It is not in the grand scheme of things very glamorous nor is it high-powered, you do not need a degree in anything other than being a generally nice person, although it does help if you have the patience of a saint but otherwise most people could do it.  I always thought working in a GP surgery would be a piece of cake.  I mean how hard can be to make a few appointments a day?  Oh, how wrong can you be?

Child wise, this last few days have been up and down.  Tom is still lurching from one detention to another.  I have just picked him up from another after school detention for not attending a lunchtime one (he had written the wrong date in his planner) and I am not at all surprised by this.  I think I will now only be surprised if we manage a whole week without one.

The school inform me that he will eventually work out how to avoid getting detentions.  I just silently laughed.

Elsie  is about to decide on her options, we have parents evening Thursday and an options evening next week.  I love parents evening, not.  It is a free for all.  Toms was a chaotic nightmare of not getting to the right teacher in the allocated 5 minute window and when you did it seemed every other parent had arrived with the same 5 minute window. It’s a farce.

Trying to talk to Elsie about options is hard going.  She doesn’t really know what she wants to do when she leaves school, which doesn’t help but does know that she wants to take dance.  Marvellous.  Will you be interested in taking any other subject, like a language or History, maybe?  No, just dance then.  Oh and Drama, of course, mustn’t forget drama.  She will definitely get an A in that.

Today (it is now Tuesday) has been a good day.  I met a normal man today for lunch.  It went well.  I liked him, I think he liked me.  Is this a true story?

Yes it actually is.

The last few days in the dating world have been a bit fast and furious.  I was talking to D 42, whose profile it has to be said was a bit vague.  We exchanged numbers quite quickly and he then proceeded to get on my nerves quite quickly too.

We exchanged numbers on Thursday, I think, I can’t be sure as it’s all a bit of blur now and by Saturday he practically had us down the aisle.  He had bombarded me with photos, all very clean but all very much the same.  D, in a t-shirt and cap, D, in a jumper and beanie, D, in his cycling gear, D, with kids in a cap and well just D and lots of them.  I have more photos of D on my phone than I do of myself.

He was calling me babe and sweetheart and telling me how wonderful I was and how he knew it was fate that had brought us together, that he had a gut feeling we were going to, ‘just gel’.

The final straw was when he asked if I had told my friends about him?  We hadn’t even laid eyes on each other at this point and weren’t even scheduled to meet until this coming Friday.  What am I supposed to have told them? A date for the wedding?  It was becoming quite clear I was not going to make it.

Yesterday I decided I just couldn’t do it.

He had well and truly put me off.  I know he was trying to be nice, in a strange kind of over familiar way but I struggle with all that.  I am not an overly emotional person and not overly affectionate either.  I don’t do babes and darling and oh, you’re so wonderful, it just feels fake to me.

I don’t feel like I have to tell someone I love them and adore them every five minutes for that to be true.  If I love you, you will know I love you but I wont be blowing smoke up your arse every five minutes.

I often jokingly use terms of endearment and mostly use them sarcastically.  I call one of my buddies babes, it is just a silly thing we do.  I don’t generally use them often and certainly not with someone I hardly know and am even less sure I actually like.

So yesterday I told D, nicely, that I had decided to  follow-up on a second date with someone and that I felt that it was only fair to let him know.  He was in all fairness absolutely fine and I wasn’t sure he would be actually.   So kudos to you D, for taking it on the chin.

I don’t have a second date with anyone though, I feel I should just get that in before everyone gets all excited.  No such luck.  Still very much in first date hell.

At the same time as I started talking to D, I started talking to M, 47 from Kent.  I like M from Kent and the reason I like M from Kent is because I know he will be absolutely no good for me.

I think he has a GF but I’m not sure.  He has been married and divorced and has a daughter and he is very, very nice looking and funny and quite bloody sexy actually but there is that little bit of me that suspects he is not as single as I would like him to be.  We are still talking and he wants to meet Friday.  We were supposed to meet today but he cancelled.  I have warned him, he gets three strikes and it’s game over.

We have spoken on the phone and I like him but do I trust him?  Not entirely, no.   Will I meet him?  Yes probably, because I’m a bloody fool.  Well if he doesn’t cancel again!

Still, with M cancelling today it gave me the chance to meet K, 45 also from Kent.

This all came about very quickly.

We messaged a couple of times last week, nothing major.  A few messages back and forth Thursday and Friday, he said he liked the look of me and was I as nice in the flesh?  I said only one way to find out, take me on a date?  To which he said, ok I will.  I left it there.

Yesterday he messaged and asked if I wanted to meet today and seeing as M had just blown me out, I thought why the hell not.  He asked if he could phone me first for a chat and this is where it all started going wrong in my head.

He had an accent and not a very nice one.  I don’t wish to offend anyone when I say he was Northern and us Southerners, well,  we struggle with accents.  I wasn’t keen.

I will apologise now to all my repping friends, who are from all over the country and have a variety of weird and wonderful accents and I know to them that I am the one who has an accent.  My Scottish pal, Ruth insists on saying, ‘Cor blimey guv’nor’ every time she speaks to me on the phone.  This she thinks is hilarious and it is in a funny sort of way because obviously I am quite posh! 😉

I was though struggling a bit with the whole accent thing and rightly or wrongly had assumed a not very pleasant picture of this poor guy in my head but we had now agreed to meet and I didn’t really have time to change my mind, which is just as well as I think I would have done.

It was actually the buddies who insisted on me going and actually frogmarched me out the building at the designated meeting time.  I really did not want to go.  My head had made up all these things, he wasn’t going to be anything like his picture.  He was going to smell??  He was going to have black teeth and a limp?? Where all this was coming from I have no idea?

I was wrong.

Can you believe it?  I was wrong.  I was very pleasantly surprised, he was nice looking, funny and easy-going.  He seemed to have his shit together and although divorced with a young son, all was well with him.  We chatted easily and we laughed a lot.  I liked him.  I won’t say I fancied the pants off him and I wasn’t sure I wanted to kiss him but it is early days.  Is it?

Accent?  What accent?

Dare I say that I hope to see him again.  Oh my God.  Did I actually just say that? I actually want to have a second date.   #neverthoughtitwouldhappen

Of course you know what will happen now don’t you?  I like him, so he is bound to be the one who doesn’t like me.

Irony at it most beautiful best.

 

 

 

 

 

Resisting the urge…

It is going to be a long week.

I feel like it should be Friday and it should most definitely be a Vodka night but I am resisting the urge, or trying.

As I write I have a glass of Tonic, yes just Tonic.  I am trying really hard not to put Vodka in it but I can feel my resistance wearing thin.

It has been a crazy week at work, it is like the marie celeste at the moment, the ship is still afloat, just but there is no sign of any crew anywhere.  It is still really busy and has been since we came back after the New Year.  I don’t honestly know where all the staff have gone, we just don’t seem to have any at the moment.

It has been a hard slog to get even to the middle of the week.

I still have the tail end of my cold but now the river has dried up. The snot is stuck now in the nether regions of my nose and won’t go up or down, it just stays stuck somewhere behind my eyes, blurring my vision, which is always handy when you have to look at a computer screen for 7 hours a day.

I feel like I have earned a Vodka, just for today alone but I can’t have one.  I can’t have one because I have got a cold and it will probably just knock me clean out but probably not before I have agreed to do something stupid with someone I barely know.  I must resist.

Tom is starting the New Year as he means to go on, with an after school detention tomorrow, here we go again.  You see why I am going to embrace the holidays now?  Roll on half term, when I can chain him in the back yard.  He thinks he knows what it is for but he isn’t quite sure and to be fair from what he was telling me earlier it could be any one of a number of reasons, so I will try not to be surprised if he gets a few more in the coming weeks.  Only 4 weeks to go!

Elsie’s turn for Food Tech this term.  Chicken curry tomorrow… she informs me tonight at 6.40 pm when I have just come home from work and passed by Tesco and Waitrose.

I’m still resisting.  Just.

The dating (or lack there of) is wearing a bit thin now too.  I am really, really trying to resist the urge to tell quite a few people to F*** off back into the dark, dingy hole from where they came.

Yet another reason why I can’t have any Vodka.

I tell you something, online dating does absolutely nothing to restore your faith in humans never mind men.  Last night when I checked my messages I had 9 new ones, 4 of those were married/in a relationship.

One of which said;

Hi, I’m married and looking to stay that way but I would love to have some sexy fun with you? Message me … (with a little winky face). 

Wanker.  I’m not quite sure what he was expecting me to say, probably something along the lines of;

Oh yes please. I would be so very grateful if you could use me for sex, you know the kind your wife won’t give you and then tootle of back to her in time for dinner and to put the kids to bed. You really are too kind.

Hold on a moment while I think some more about it.

No.  Thanks all the same.  I prefer my men with proper balls, the kind you get from being a big boy and behaving like a real man.

Do you think your wife will be grateful to you for sticking by her, while offering yourself out to woman on a dating site?  Do you think that she will be pleased that you slept with her and with others, probably on the same nights? Don’t you think you should tell her that you really couldn’t give a shit about her and that the only person you really care about is you and your needs?

Of course I don’t say all that.  What would be the bloody point?

The next message was from a thirty something or other, telling me that he is in bed and a bit chilly, could do with warming up he says… another winky face *rolling my eyes.  Get a bloody hot water bottle then babes, works for me.  Failing that you could always try putting some clothes on.

Yawn!

Message number three was from a guy who has messaged before, several times.  I have never replied.  I don’t reply in an effort to be mean I just don’t reply because I don’t fancy him, there is no point in engaging if you have no intention.   I tried it the other way, replying and saying the whole, thank you but no thank you thing but that doesn’t work either, they just keep messaging.

So my 12th message from him was;

Why don’t you message me back if you can be arsed?

I can’t be arsed, that is why I haven’t messaged you back.  Have you read the rules?  Sometimes people don’t reply to my messages.  I just naturally assume that they are no longer interested.  I do not want to hunt them down and kill them, well not all of them at least.

Well not until I have had a vodka.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving on…

Here I am in my usual place on a Sunday morning trying to write something remotely interesting.

I am, as per, drinking more coffee than is probably healthy, while eating cold toast and pondering over my weekend.  I still remain slightly baffled over the whole T thing but I am over it, already, I think.  Well, it doesn’t take long.  It is a fickle business this online dating lark.

Last night when I should have been on my date with T, I was instead sitting on the sofa with tissue stuffed up my nostrils to try to stop the flow of snot.  I have a cold.  I never get colds.  I woke up yesterday with a throat that felt like it was full of razor blades and a river running from my nose.  I felt and still feel shit.

It’s probably just as well I didn’t have a bloody date, actually scratch that, it’s a damn shame I didn’t see T last night, as I would have loved nothing more than to sneeze a bucket load of snot straight in his face.

I spent the afternoon watching films and stuffing my face with any food of calorific content I could get my hands on.  Well they do say feed a cold, don’t they?  I got all emotional and so I ate more shit, stuffed more tissue up my nose and tried my very best not to sneeze parts of my brain out all over the coffee table.

I’m sure I will be right as rain just in time for Monday.

Tom and Elsie are here as I decided to save my ‘sitter token’ for a time when I might actually need it, if ever.

Would you believe, Tom had a date yesterday!  Bloody marvellous isn’t it, my 11-year-old son has a higher success rate with the opposite sex than I do.  The sad truth there is, that statistic is only going to grow in his favour.

I don’t know he does it, he looks like a street urchin most of the time.

He barely washes or brushes his hair, which incidentally he was supposed to get cut Friday, before some debacle or other happened to him and his mates, which inevitably led to him NOT getting it cut.   I had zoned out half way through his tall tale about what happened and how he nearly lost his life and scooter blah blah blah… and so he couldn’t possibly get it done… Grrrr!

One thing is for certain, he will definitely have that, just rocked up and just out of bed look when he is older and the girls will swarm like bees around a honey pot!

Just the sort of guy I am trying my best to avoid at the moment.  Although in all fairness I am not having to try very hard, as they are not exactly beating down the front door.

My first thought was to give up on all this for a little while but I’m not going to.  I’m going to keep plugging away at it and see what happens.  I haven’t got anything to lose, that I havent lost already and to be fair I have learned a few more lessons of late (some a bit sharper than others), so hopefully… I will be a better equipped for any future engagements that may come along.  Well, one can only hope.

Besides, I am a great believer in Karma.  I think we all are to some extent, we like to think that what goes around comes around.

It is what hopefully stops us from being too resentful.  You hope that if someone does you a wrong, that they in turn will get the lesson paid back.  I like to think that there is a place for Karma.  I don’t want people to unnecessarily suffer, just to learn a lesson from their behaviour and or actions.  I don’t think that is unreasonable in any way.

We are all responsible for our own actions and so if we are intentionally unkind or hurtful then surely we should expect to receive treatment of the same kind.  All of our feelings towards others are earned not given and if they are given freely and rejected then that makes it all the more painful.

I am sincerely hoping that someday soon T gets his just desserts.  It doesn’t matter that I wont see it (although I can’t say I wouldn’t like to),  just that he gets it and served cold, as they say that is the best way.

Right enough about T.  The man has had too much time spent on him already, so there will be no more mention of him, from this moment on.

It is still early on in the New Year and so I can still feel optimistic about what it may bring.  Besides, there are much worse things that could have happened, so I am putting my big girl panties on and facing it off.

Well, after I’ve shaken off this God damn cold…

 

 

 

Two more sleeps…

… until my first date of the New Year and guess what…

I haven’t heard a peep out of T all day.  #notquitesoexcited

It is to be expected I suppose.  Somehow, the closer these things get the less confident you become about them.

I am gutted.  I can’t say it any other way.

He did text yesterday, as you know.  He seemed, as far as I could tell,  like he was still very excited about meeting and had started to ask about the finer details;  Where were we going to meet?  We would need to make sure there was a hotel close by, just in case? He joked.

I responded to his text about meeting and said that I was really not bothered where we met, here, there or somewhere in between and that it certainly would be nice to have ‘options’ for afterwards.

Then nothing, absolute silence.  A deafening silence.

It is hard to describe how that felt without sounding a bit like a wet lettuce but, truth be told, I felt like a wet lettuce.

I spent the first hour of waiting for a reply, telling myself what a complete and utter twit, tart, fool, stupid fucking idiot I was.  The next hour convincing myself that actually, it is NOT my fault, it is him that is a complete twat and the last hour with just the complete grumps, before texting him again.

Cardinal sin #286 – Thou shalt not text an idiot, when it is clear that he is indeed an idiot.

It is now 7.40 pm and according to the ticks on my messaging app he hasn’t even read my last message nevermind replied.  Why?  I don’t know.

I have in my head at least accepted that this is probably it and that I won’t hear from T again now.  My heart, which is obviously still incredibly gullible, despite previous experiences is a bit more battered and much more unaccepting of this situation.

The strong-willed person inside me is resisting every urge to text him and ask him WTF he is playing at but I can’t because that is just not how it works.

I have read all the articles and I know all the terms and the non-rules about online dating and know that I am not the only one that is experiencing these things but that does not make it any easier.

He may well text this evening, I doubt it but he might.  Will it make me happy if he texts now?  Personally, I think it is too late now.  I no longer trust him and I did trust him because at the end of the day we are all human and we like to think that people are real and honest and true.

As humans we have faith in people. We believe that everyone has the same basic fundamental values that no one would intentionally hurt or go out of their way to deceive another.  That people are genuine.  Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and there always will be but over all we have faith in humanity.   We are kind and sincere and honest.

We had a deal.  T and I.  We have been talking for three weeks.  Three weeks!  It was hard going in places and we had some crossed wires as you do with texting, you know the kind where you’re not entirely sure if the other person is laughing with you or not but we always seemed to pick up and carry on.  It was always a bit flirty and he was very much the instigator of meeting up and often called and messaged silly/funny things, spontaneously.

I suppose I am not made the same way as these people, if I were I might understand but I could never intentionally lead someone along like that.  It is such a heartachingly, unfunny thing to do.

I will admit to having a tear in my eye (and for someone who never cries that is a massive deal) and crisis texting the buddies while writing this blog as it just makes me so tired of it all.  Tired and sad.

I know I will bounce back from this of course I will and in a few weeks will be like, T?  T Who?  It is a bond that will be easily broken as we were only marginally attached.  I’m just disappointed and deflated and all those horrible feelings you get when someone just dashes your hopes.

Not sure if there will be a ‘one more sleep’...

 

 

Three more sleeps…

…until my first date of the New Year.  #excitedmuch

Today I was back to work, the kids were back to school and everything is very normal again.  Boring.  No, not boring, just back to the same routine as before.

We all moan about out routines but we need them don’t we?  We need to know that we have a purpose and routine is purpose.  The things that get you out of bed everyday are the routines you have in place for yourself and your children, or family.

Without these what we would we do?  We would need to do something, wouldn’t we?  No one wants to feel like they do not have a purpose, however humdrum it may be.

My routine is well and truly back in place, as usual this morning, I spent the whole of the first hour of my day, moaning at Tom and Elsie to get up, get dressed and get a bloody move on while you’re doing it!  I try not to shout but if I don’t they don’t move, at all.

They were not very excited about going back to school and I get that, it is always horrible, that first morning of early wake up, especially in the Winter.  It is dark and bloody miserable outside but even on the first day back, when they have had two whole weeks to be ready, they are as far from ready as you could possibly be.

The differences between boys and girls is really becoming quite evident to me as my two get older.  I only have sisters and so never grew up with a boy in the house and I am thanking my lucky stars for that now.

When I was a kid, I yearned for a brother, I thought it would be the answer to all my prayers.  I wanted an older brother, of course, who would see me as his little princess and let me follow him around everywhere, hanging on to his every word.   He would introduce me to his friends and when I was older let me hang out with them all.  He would teach me all kinds of things, like fishing and how to make something amazing out of wood with a penknife and most of all he would worship the ground I walked on.

Instead I got two younger sisters, whom, I will state quite categorically now I love with all my heart but then, Oh my God, we could have quite easily have killed each other on a daily basis.  I’m sure though, that had I have had an older brother I would have been having an even worse time.

Boys and girls are just not made the same way and I don’t just mean physically.  We are honestly from different realms.  There is not one thing that a boy thinks that will come anywhere close to being the same or similar to how a girl thinks about a given situation.  Their behaviour is strangely alien to us.  I see in my own two children how different they are.  They argue of course like any normal siblings but the whole boy/girl thing is the real divide between them.  They just do not understand each other and it pains me to admit it but I’m with Elsie.

My beloved Tom might just as well be a mythical creature for all we understand of his words and actions.  Love him?  I do, with all my heart.  Have any idea what he is talking about most of the time?  Nope, not a clue.

This morning, Elsie arrived at the back door, new handbag nicely packed with all she will need for her day at school, hair nicely brushed and plaited to one side, a hint of make up and uniform all present, correct and tidy with clean shoes that barely look a day old even though they are last terms.

Tom on the other hand doesn’t arrive at the back door until he has been shouted at a hundred times by me and when he does he looks like he has just got up, literally.  He has hair that looks like it has just swept the yard, his clean and pressed uniform looks like he has slept in it since they broke up last year and his bag, he doesn’t have a bag, or at least he hasn’t appeared with one!  Despite him also getting a new one for Christmas.

FFS!

I’m not even going to mention his shoes because it will just have me raging again.  I’ve only just recovered from seeing them this morning!  Five minutes after we are supposed to be leaving the house is NOT when I want to be trying to stick the bloody sole back on to his school shoes.

He just looks at me.  Mouth open but nothing coming out, while I am trying desperately not to put my hands around his throat.  Then he shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal and says “Chill out Mum, you’re going to have a heart attack”.  Chill out, chill bloody out!  Really!  I have a son, there is no fucking chilling out for me.  Ever.

We all say ‘we can’t wait to get back to normal’ after Christmas and New Year and get back to our ‘routines‘.  I for one wont be complaining next year, I will happily let my children lounge in bed all day, if that’s what they want to do, only appearing when they want food as it is much more pleasurable than what I experienced this morning.  Long live the school holidays.

So now we are back in the swing of things.  Kind of, I’m still struggling with days of the week and trying to remember where we are with everything.  It takes a while to sink in doesn’t it all this New Year stuff.

New Year’s Eve was my last blog.

It was, as predicted, fairly uneventful to be honest.  At home with Tom and Elsie, we played a few games, tried to watch a movie but couldn’t agree which one (another boy/girl issue) and managed to stay up to watch the fireworks on the TV.  Jolly good show London.  I had a few vodkas but thankfully not as much as T who called me to wish me a Happy New Year at about 12.30am, he was very drunk and apparently feeling very mischievous in someone else’s garden.  I didn’t ask!

He told me that since we spoke on Boxing Day, he hadn’t been able to get me out of his head.  Hold on a minute.  We spoke?  On Boxing Day?  I don’t remember that?  ‘You were a bit tipsy’, he said.  A bit tipsy! I must have been more than a bit tipsy, the whole event had passed me by.  Jesus, he is going to think I am right bloody lush at this rate.

We have spoken to each other since Boxing Day, you did not mention this?  Why?

Trying to sound as if I know exactly who I am and what I am doing and trying not to let T tip me over the edge with all his mischievousness, had me reaching for more vodka.  Then just when I was relaxing he drops in, ‘Oh and those messages you were sending me last night, they were hot!’

Oh God, I know I’ve asked you this before but please, if you wont kill me, just cut of my hands?

Why do I do such stupid things when I am drunk!

The night before New Years Eve we were at a friends for our annual games night, always good fun with plenty of food and plenty of drink.  We stayed over which is always a recipe for disaster, as this means I can have too much to drink.  This was the night when I was texting both P and T.  It is obvious now that T won, as I have since looked at some of those messages and they are eye-wateringly naughty.

I think I can also see why P had the raging hump.  It was clearly obvious that I was online and I was not messaging him, well not much anyway but there are no rules at this point.  In fact, I don’t think there are any rules, ever.  The rule book has gone out the window there is no dating etiquette, you can do what you want, when you want and with whom you want.  Well, given half a chance and if you can find someone willing.  That is why it is so bloody frustrating.

I was always swinging between the two of them, as you know and although T always edged it, P did have his moments but after that night I kind of lost interest in him.  I tried to be nice and say that I didn’t want the full on relationship thing that he clearly wanted and that he didn’t need to come off the dating site for me, especially as we hadn’t even met yet, whose to say how we would feel after?  He was adamant though that he wanted me and no one else and this just confused me.  How can you possibly know that, we don’t know each other? I don’t get it?

Don’t get me wrong it is easy to become a bit too attracted to people through texting but you have to keep a clear head and remember that you do not know each other.  You may or may not be attracted in the flesh and even if you are, you might only have a couple more dates before you decide that, actually you are not for me, after all.

Texting is easy, it is fun and flirty and can be naughty which is exciting but it is not real.  The real bit is when you see each other for the first time and chat properly about things other than sex and what you are wearing in bed,  which is usually far from the truth in most cases.  There has to be a real attraction between you that extends beyond all your flirty chat.

I have been a little bit naughty with T on the phone and he with me.  We have exchanged pictures, nothing too playboy but pictures of each other, so we can see the goods if you like.  Well, you need to know if you are going to at least half fancy each other before you get there don’t you?

I fancy T and he says he fancies me.  Good enough.  We are going to meet.  Ever the optimist!

Will he be my forever after?  I doubt it.

I just want to meet him and see how it turns out, is all.

Fortunately I have no more vodka nights scheduled before Saturday, so all should remain dignified, until then at least.

Still, we are even now, as he was very naughty on the phone New Years Eve, taking great pleasure in describing all the things he was going to do to me on our date.  He has an amazing voice or was it just the things he was saying?  I thought I was going to melt.  A gooey heap of stupid, girly mush on the kitchen floor.

For heavens sake get a grip woman.  I’m trying honestly.

So with only three more sleeps to go all I have to worry about is T ghosting me out (which I really, really hope doesn’t happen) and the pot belly I have inherited over the holidays.  Too much vodka and pate on toast every day has left me a little more bloated than usual!  Well, I say a little.

How am I going to look sexy in my very new and very expensive underwear with an almost 3 months pregnant look?

Usually as a date draws closer I am suffering from too much anxiety to eat, this does not seem to be the case at the moment and with only three more sleeps to go, this pot belly needs to do one.  I must remember no more food until after the weekend!

I was a tiny bit worried that I hadn’t heard from T all day today and had started to suspect that he had already ghosted me, when he text this afternoon.  Phew!

“Not long to wait now sexy!”

The smile on my face could probably have been seen from the moon.