Writing this blog is sometimes a bit overwhelming.
It takes a while before you feel properly comfortable in reporting everything, warts and all. I don’t think I am quite there yet. I feel fine talking about the kids and my dating and the hum drum stuff that we all have in our lives but I struggle with anything very personal.
When I say personal, I mean my true feelings about things. Our inner most thoughts and anxieties. I would never be described as an anxious person, I am not anxious by nature, nor am I a worrier. This does not mean that I do not worry, ever, just that I can manage it, I suppose.
I have insecurities and sometimes self-doubt but I have a hard exterior which will not generally allow me to show these emotions.
I would describe myself as a softmint. I have a strong, acquired taste to my shell but once you get to know me, I am softer on the inside, probably more than some people expect. I have very strong emotions, views and opinions and those close to me know who I am and what I am about but I don’t feel the need for everyone to know everything about me but here lies the problem because with this blog, sometimes, you can’t tell a story unless you share things you wouldn’t ordinarily share.
I find it hard to admit when I am feeling unsure, or anxious or just sad. I see these things as weaknesses and I don’t want people to think that I am weak. This I know is completely unreasonable. There are times in everyone’s lives where we all feel a little bit off centre and we would be foolish to think that makes us weak in any way. It only makes us human.
In any group of friends I have always been ‘the leader’ not in a bossy ‘it’s my way or the highway’ kind of way (I hope) but just in a naturally evolving, older child, strong-willed, let’s round everyone up, kind of way. However, I was never the most responsible, I was always the one who ended up doing something crazy, or stupid and attention grabbing. Not a lot has changed, I fear.
I come across as brave and like I have an I don’t give a damn attitude but of course that is not entirely true. People only show others what they want them to see and on the flip side of that coin, people only usually see what they want to see in others. We humans make up our minds about people quite quickly, it apparently takes only one tenth of a second to form your first impression of someone.
Usually first impressions are made from seeing someone for the first time or seeing a picture of them. However I expect that reading about someone also follows the same process.
As a blogger you leave yourself open to comment about you, your life and your opinions, if you decide to share them. I am learning, slowly, that this is OK. I have to be able to accept that not everyone thinks the same way as me and so they will inevitably disagree with some of the things I say.
I would imagine that my readers have formed an impression about me and that is where it becomes difficult. I am a people pleaser and I like to bring joy and laughter and fun in to people lives but I am also quite selfish and can be opinionated and I don’t always make the right decisions. This leaves me open and subject to people making judgements about me.
I have to be comfortable in the knowledge that I like myself and I mean that not in an ‘Oh, aren’t I just bloody amazing’ kind of way but in a ‘I’m good’ kind of way. I am happy in the knowledge that I am a generally nice, honest, hard-working, decent person. So then, if someone doesn’t agree with what I say or has an opinion about what I am doing I can feel reasonably sure that it is not personal. It is just their opinion, to which, of course, they are entitled.
I am the same as any other girl. I have issues and things that I struggle to deal with but over all I am OK with being me. I can’t say that every day I don’t wish for something because I would be lying. It might only be that the sun will shine or that I will see something that makes me smile but a wish is a wish no matter how big or small.
Some days I wish for big things, like a new car and some days, I wish for impossible things, like a conversation with my Dad and then there are the material things like clothes and holidays and lots of money, all the things we think will make our lives much more appealing, easier and more enjoyable. We know that these are usually just wishes but we need to have them in our lives.
It is important to have hope and dreams and schemes and plans, it what keeps us all ticking over. I think lots but relay nothing as my head is a jumble sale of ideas and notions and every time I try to put them to paper they make no sense. I feel sometimes lost and small and insignificant but this I suspect is normal, as other times, I feel ten feet tall and like nothing can stop me from getting to where I need to be.
I want to be honest and be able to share my ups and downs with you all but with honesty sometimes comes a feeling of insecurity, a vulnerability that we don’t want others to see. Appearing vulnerable can lead to you being taken advantage off but it can also lead to support and encouragement from others, which in turn will make you feel less vulnerable.
By showing your emotions, which is not something I am entirely used to, people can and will relate to you. In theory at least.
Half the reason why I avoid anything remotely emotional is because I feel I don’t interpret it well. I find it easy to laugh and joke about things and make them seem less important than they really are. Like my dating debacles, it is easier to make light of another ‘disaster’ than it is to admit that actually, you feel slightly devastated at it all going tits up again!
I am sometimes not entirely honest with myself but I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to be.
I hope that I will get used to being more open as I go. I love writing and I still very much enjoy being able to tell stories and share them with you.
However, the thing I love most of all, is that you read it. Thank you 😘