I have to admit that I’m winging it with this one.

After an, actually, really lovely weekend I am back in the doldrums. I can’t seem to lift my mood.

In all honestly I think it has a lot to do with work. The place is just so negative at the moment. Usually, I can rise above it. However, at the moment I am struggling.  It has to be said that some of those faces could do with a jolly good slap.

Now, I feel quite brave in saying that on here (out loud) if you like, as some of them read this blog and although it is not my intention to upset, or hurt anyone’s feelings, it has to be said that there are a lot of miserable faces at present. The atmosphere is awful, negative and just downright unpleasant.

I know that sometimes we all feel low and fed up.  Sometimes we have days where we just want to crawl back in to bed but this has been going on for a while now.  I know it is SAD season and that people are well and truly fed up with Winter now.  I also know that we all have things in our home life that may be affecting us at work but for the love of God would you please just try and smile.  Not all the time but just every now and then would be good.

I bit back today, probably at the wrong person or maybe the right person, who knows but it was evident that I too was sinking in to the desperate air of despair and tomorrow I have decided I will not let them take me down. I am clinging by my fingernails to my inner happy…

Anyway, moving on.  At this moment in time, you will find me hiding in the bar of Tom’s new training ground.  I know, can you believe there is a bar.  I am all for football now!  Bring it on.  At the moment the only thing alcoholic I can see here is beer, disappointing but I suppose it is generally used by men and as I will be driving, coffee will do, as long as I can sit in the warm.  I will even watch the football highlights.

So while I have an hour to kill, well let’s call it 45 minutes, as I will have to show my face outside for at least 15 minutes later, I expect.  If only to appear friendly to the other parents.  This is my Achilles heel.

I have sometimes been accused of being snooty but this in no way intentional.  I just don’t find small talk easy.  I talk too much but it is not about the unnecessary shit.  I am too honest for my own good but sometimes I don’t want all and sundry to know everything about me, especially if they will not be in my life for very long.  Weird, for someone who talks about their life online, I get that but true, none the less.

This is why I struggle making small talk with guys online.  I don’t want to talk about whether we are coffee or tea people or whether we like going to the gym or if we like animals.  We can do that over a coffee can’t we?  I want to know if I like you.  I can’t just keep chatting without knowing whether I actually like you.  I’m getting nowhere with all this small talk.

Things with Mack are still going backwards and forwards.  We had our first row this week and we are not even dating.  We had an online row.  Have you ever heard such a ridiculous thing?  It culminated in him beating around the bush, again, one minute yes and then back pedaling out of the conversation, again, and me telling him to fuck off, again!

The next day, it is like nothing happened. Hey sexy, Good day?’  he says.

How can you row with someone you only message?  We met once a few months ago now and in the last week since we have started messaging again I’ve wanted to kill him almost every day.

He makes me so mad.  I can’t begin to tell you but at the same time I can’t leave him.  He is in my head and I can’t get rid of him and I am trying.  Honestly.

Or am I?

I am still talking to Sterling but he isn’t going to help me forget, as he is not very chatty and I am unsure what he wants really but so far our conversation has consisted of him saying Good morning and Good night every day and not much else.  He did ask for a picture, which I declined to send but he still says Good morning and Good night and he hopes, I have a lovely day!  Thanks, that is very kind of you but can I just ask?  Where the fuck is this all leading, anywhere?  To which, as yet I have had no reply.

This will not relieve me of Mack.

I know someone who might though.

So. Let me re-introduce you to Flash.  I have seen Flash before but under an ‘initial’.  I have now given him a nickname, as we are seeing if this makes things easier to remember the now growing number men that have been in and out, and in again, of my life.  I’m not convinced but I’m going with it.

Flash is nice.  He is dirty and likes being naughty.  He is though, a nice guy.  We have met and we have had sex, then it all got a bit awkward, it seemed like he didn’t really know how to handle things but all of a sudden we are back on track.  Kind off!

He began by messaging me about the weather and all things very unexciting, in a bid to tease out of me whether or not I would like to have sex with him again.  Can you not just ask me man?  We are way past small talk aren’t we?  Jesus, I never used to be this impatient, I’m sure?

So, I had no choice but to say..  Look, I like you, I enjoyed having sex with you and if you want it again, please, just book in. Well, not really like that but you know what I mean.

So he has booked in and in the mean time he is sending me nice messages and not irritating the shit out of me.  He is saucy but sweet at the same time, he has a very wicked side but he doesn’t come across as arrogant, the way Mack does.

Will he get in before Mack, probably as Mack is wasting my time and his, I expect?  However, it might just help to wean me off him again.

I should probably mention that this blog has taken ages to write because Mack is messaging me, he is available tonight as he is away on business and staying in a hotel room all on his own.

Do I feel like keeping him company?  In person?  Yes, I absolutely do.  By message?  No, I absolutely do not.

At this moment in time I don’t know if I want to kiss him or kill him!  I’m going with the latter.

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