Henry is dead…

The day did not start well.  There are lots of reasons for this, the most frustrating of which was an argument with the hoover.

Actually that is not the most frustrating thing that happened, it is more that I took out my frustrations on the hoover.   I do not feel in any way sorry for Henry, who if I’m honest I have had a love/hate relationship with, since I bought him a few years ago.

Henry and I do not like each other.

I am not keen on housework as you all know, so my first bug bear is having to lug Henry around the house in the first place but add to that the sheer bulk of Henry and his ability to get stuck, tangled and wedged in all manner of things just makes me want to hurl him out the window.

He is heavy and he doesn’t move well, despite his wheels.

Yesterday, I was contemplating how on earth I was going to fit everything in today as I was originally supposed to be having two dates today.   Along with making the house look half-decent, collecting the children from school and making dinner, somewhere in between.

I needn’t have worried.  Why do I?  I should surely know by now that these things never go to plan.  It seems you can not rely on men anymore, ever.   Bitter?  Yes, I’m bloody getting there!

In my already fairly despondent mood, I decided I might as well make use of the day and crack on with some, admittedly, long overdue jobs.  So I cleaned out the upstairs cupboards and the airing cupboard and put fresh linen on all the beds and after a good tidy up and a move around everything just needed a good hoover.

By the time I had finished lugging Henry around the upstairs my rage had only increased.  I don’t know what it is about him but I swear he tips me over the edge.  As I navigated the landing and tried to move him on to the stairs we got tangled up, he was refusing to move and the hose was all twisted up the wrong way and in my sheer frustration I booted him.  I know, it is irrational but I couldn’t help it.

We were both tipped off-balance and I’m sorry to say that in the choice between which one of us was going to end up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs, I chose Henry.

He fell unceremoniously from top to bottom and landed in a plume of dust by the back door.  The plug was whipped from the wall and as the cable sailed by it smacked my ankle, I swore loudly at this last ditched attempt by Henry to have the last bloody word.

RIP you cumbersome old bastard.

Until today the week had been pretty uneventful.


I shouldn’t moan as quiet times are few and far between in my house. There is always some drama or another going on and if it isn’t here, it will be at work or with a friend or something, anything but life is never quiet.

Even Tom and Elsie are behaving.  Well when I say behaving I mean they are being good that does not mean they are not irritating me.  Tom especially.

I have a question.  Answers on a postcard please.

When will my son get his brain?

Anyone?  If you are a mother with a son who is older than 13 could you please let me know when this is likely to happen?  He just doesn’t remember a single thing, not one, ever.  This means that I am constantly moaning at him, well I call it reminding, he calls it moaning but in all fairness if he could just remember the things that I keep reminding/moaning at him about, then I wouldn’t have to keep reminding/moaning at him.  Simple?  You’d like to think.

In more good news, a friend of mine found a speed dating event locally.  It is being held in a pub we know in town.  She immediately thought we should go and give it a try.

I, ever the sceptic, wasn’t sure at first, probably assuming that speed dating is all a bit ‘old hat’ now.  I didn’t even realise they still ran events like these but I suppose in reality there is more need now than ever.

She sent me the details and we both thought.. Why not?  It might be a laugh, if nothing else.  Something to blog about after the event.  The more I thought about it, the more the idea appealed.

I am a talker and so is she, so we wouldn’t have any trouble making chit-chat with random men.  It is nice to see people in person, attraction is a key part, as let’s face it half the battle with online dating is the endless messaging, then you meet and you don’t fancy each other.  Plus there is no pressure, you sit, you chat for the allotted time and you move on.

We decided to find out more about it.

My optimism about the impending speed dating was very short-lived as today she informed me we are too old!  My day is just getting better by the minute.

Well that knocked the wind out of my sails.  Too fucking old! Says Who, exactly?

I am NOT old.  I refuse to be old.  I do not want to be old.  Nor do I wish anyone else to inform me that I should now be put out to pasture.  NO. Just NO.

The age bracket for this particular event is 30-45.   This means that in January I could have gone to the speed dating event and yes, maybe I would have been at the older end of the scale but I would have been in the running.  Now though, in March and since I have had a birthday I am no longer in the correct age bracket.

Tickets for the event are twenty pounds, which I have to say seems a lot.  It seems a lot when you think you could go to the pub anyway probably and just loiter in the background waiting to pounce on any rejects.   What do you get for twenty pounds?  A score card and pencil and the chance to meet a few (turn out dependant) hapless individuals who can’t seem to find a life partner.  Are there nibbles?

So, it seems we won’t be going speed dating after all.  Well unless we do decide to gate crash, which at the moment I am all for.

Clearly if we want to go speed dating we will have to find an old people’s version.  Or try Bingo?

I have before been an avid Bingo goer, introduced to it by my Nan, she loved her Bingo.  I used to take her on a Friday night, way back when I was in my early twenties.  My Nan was a skinny stick of a woman who smoked like a trooper and swore like a navvy.  We were peas in a pod.  I loved her like no other.

In those days I drove an old Mini City, bright yellow it was, with black go faster stripes.  It was a wreck of a car and not the comfiest ride you would have taken in your life.  I have always been somewhat of a reckless driver and my poor old Nan barely made it to the end of some journeys in that old Mini.

It makes me smile just thinking of those Friday night Bingo trips.  I can hear her now:

“Fucking hell, I can’t take another journey in that bloody car girl, it makes my fucking bones rattle, it’s going to be the death of me”

As it was the cancer got her in the end.  Probably all those bloody fags!  At only 67 she was no more.  I can honestly say that nothing has devastated me quite as much since, nor will it ever I don’t think.

My first real experience of losing someone I truly loved.  It was heart wrenching.

Anyway, while we are talking death, I suppose I had better go and cremate Henry.

Sunday confessional…

So, first off. I lied. Well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I wish I could say I feel bad about that but the truth is I don’t.

I tried. I really did.  I couldn’t do it.

I let him back in. After nearly a whole week of not talking to Mack, I crumbled.  I checked to see if he had messaged.  Why?  Er, no idea.  Ask me another.

He had been messaging.  Asking how I was and why I wasn’t talking to him?  He knows why I haven’t been talking to him. He knows he irritates me and to be frank, he bloody loves it.  He loves that I have admitted that he is my Achilles heel, that I can’t say no to him, despite wanting to harm him in some way most of the time.

He enjoys it. He gets off on the fact that I want him, he wants me too but we are going to play this crazy game together for, well who knows how long?

I can’t say I don’t like it either because in some weird and unexplainable way I actually enjoy it.  I like the way we are together, the way we tease and goad each other.  We both know we are attracted to each other but we pretend otherwise.

It has been a weird week all round to be honest.

I was heavily distracted for most of it which kept my mind well and truly off of all things Mack related.  That was until the thing that was heavily distracting me all went tits up. Then in an almost trance like state my mind wandered back to Mack, like he was always there just lurking in the darkness waiting for me, knowing that I would always come back at some point.

I recall when I started this blog that I accused men of always looking for the next thrill, the next big adventure and to some extent I still stand by that statement. The grass always looks greener anywhere, except for the bit you are standing on.  Temptation is only a click away.  However, now I think that I am the thrill seeker.

I have already admitted to this but I didn’t realise just how much I love the thrill of all this.  It has become quite addictive.

So after what had been an unusal week to say the least, on Thursday I sent Mack a little taste of what was on offer, he nearly bit my hand off.

For those of you who think that is in someway degrading or demeaning, I wholeheartedly disagree.  However, if you want to call that sin number two, then that is fine with me.

Actually, I think all my sinning started with Flash but anyway.

I have made a new profile. It is a very specific profile about what I am looking for. I have made it quite clear what I like and don’t like.  What I want in a relationship and what I don’t.

So far it has proved to be quite exciting but as I am not one to get ahead of myself I am staying on the fence, at least until I have something concrete to report.

Gemini and I had an interesting Saturday night.  We were reminiscing, always a dangerous thing to do.  I had been out for a few drinks with a friend and so add vodka to the mix (we all know that vodka is to blame for everything) and there will be trouble.

Not all of the memories we share are good ones, well for me at least.  It wasn’t a great time for me.  I was desperately unhappy and just looking for comfort.  I was stuck in a place I knew I didn’t really want to be, yet I still convinced myself that it would all work out in the end.  I was wrong but those years were tough, a constant battle with myself about what was right and what was expected.

It was our usual evening chit-chat.  We do flirt a bit I suppose as is normal in boy/girl talk but on the whole it is just chat about this, that and the other.  Well, to a certain extent. There is something underlying between us and I have a feeling that whatever that is, it will always be there.  However, I think our time has passed but I can’t be sure about that. Sometimes you can’t be sure about anything but I am not a one for generally going back.

I believe things happen or don’t happen for a reason and that once the moment has gone you have to look forward not back.

It will be me that holds back out of the two of us as he is considerably braver than I am.

Your past is a funny thing.  You can go months, years even, without thinking of someone and then all of a sudden, one day, boom they are back.  A song or something someone says reminds you of someone from way back.  Or, you just out of the blue see someone you haven’t seen for years.

Last year I went to a wedding and bumped in to my very first boyfriend ever.  It was a bit surreal.

I should have expected to bump in to him really, as the lovely girl whose wedding it was, was someone we used to babysit for back when we were a couple, probably 25 years or so ago.  Bloody hell, that makes me feel incredibly old!

We did not part well, my first love and I.

I rarely see him as he moved away some years ago but every now and then he pops up somewhere, or he finds me on social media.  He never really got over our break up, which I know sounds odd as it was such a long time ago now but it is true.  When I saw him at the wedding I knew he still felt the same even after all these years apart.

He makes me feel uncomfortable which is half the reason I wont communicate with him. There are some people who come in to and out of your life that you can still have a fairly healthy, if not friends, then acquaintances, kind of relationship and there are some who you know will never want to be just friends, he falls in to the later and so for that reason I just can’t bring myself to talk to him.

Anyway, I have wondered off the path here somewhat.  Back to Mack:

Friday we metYep.  It happened.

I have very mixed feelings about it all.  He had been bombarding me with messages all day, pushing to meet.  I started really by calling his bluff and agreeing to anything and everything, thinking in my head that he wont go through with any of it.

By 6 pm we had agreed to meet for coffee!

Still not convinced that anything would happen I carried on with my evening and messaging Mack who it seemed was very excited.  The chat was getting dirtier and so were the promises of what was to come.

At 8.30 pm he messaged to say he was in the pub car park and where the bloody hell was I?  Shit!  He actually came…………

So we had a drink and we chatted for a bit, he wasn’t as nice looking as I had painted him in my head.  Remember, it has been a while since we met and he has no pictures on his profile.  He looked different to how I remember him, he was still full of himself though and cocky to the end.  It has lessened my desire for him a tiny bit though and so maybe it was a good thing.

However, I wasn’t very good.  In fact I was very bad.

Our messages throughout the day had preempted how the evening would end.

I haven’t heard from him since and as this is part of the game we play, I don’t expect to. He will no doubt message tomorrow when he is back at work and his hands are idle for five minutes.  I may or may not message back, we will see and that is how it will go on all the time we let it.

I do though still smile when I think about it and for that very reason I will confess to being a bad girl but I can’t promise it wont happen again.

Post Note:

Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful Mum’s celebrating today.  No one handles anything quite like a Mother, you are amazing! 💗

A new chapter…

I am having a cup of sweet tea.  Very sweet.

I need it.  I am so stressed.

We are back in the land of the living, after our few days of being stuck at home in what can only be described as Siberian temperatures, for most of last week.  Well, alright not quite Siberian but almost and certainly not what us soft Southerners are used to, that’s for sure.

It’s only Tuesday and it is already looking like it will be a long week.

Tom has lost yet another PE kit.  Honestly, I despair.  Is it so difficult for him to take one lot of clothes off put them in his bag and put another lot of clothes back on without bloody leaving anything behind?  “Yes” is the answer to that!

I was supposed to pick up another one from the store on my way home today.  I forgot.  Like Mother, like son.  My head is elsewhere.

I was supposed to meet Flash today, after we postponed during the snowy conditions of last week.  I had to cancel as work beckoned.  I have so much to catch up on.   He was disappointed, as was I and now I kind of regret it because I think that Flash is just what I needed today.

I fall in and out of bed with Flash (pardon the pun), easily because he is good company. There is no pressure on either side to commit to anything other than just enjoying each other.  We chat easily and we laugh a lot.  He is funny and sweet albeit in an over exuberant kind of way but I have said all this before.

However, I find that when I am distracted by something else he doesn’t hold my attention, I suppose because he is not trying to.  We are not in that kind of relationship, if we can indeed even call it that.  We text as and when, sometimes a lot and some days never.  It is easy.  Too easy.

I can pick him up and put him down whenever I want to.  That sounds harsh, I know.  However, I don’t mean that he is my puppet to do with what I will, this is just the way it is with us.  If he cancels, I am not too bothered and I don’t think he is when I cancel.  Well, until today.

He seemed more disappointed than usual today and was trying to get another date arranged fairly soon.  It has been a few weeks now since we have seen each other and so apart from sexting, which does not always come to a satisfactory end.  I think we were both needing some relief.

I am at a point now though where I am wondering whether to continue with it at all?  I keep changing my mind.  Unusual for me, I know.  😉

My mind is not my own right now.  I wish I could explain further but  I’m not sure I would know where to begin.

I have reached the point where I need to let go of all this, for now at least.

I do however think you will all be pleased to know,  I have finally blocked Mack.  The man just tipped me over the edge last weekend and after a week of cabin fever, he got short shrift of my bad mood once again sending me one LOL too many.

I have never known a man to message so often, yet have so little to say.

Woodsman and I had a row about sexism, also at the weekend, so he isn’t talking to me either now, as he thinks I’m a twat. 

He could well be right.

Am I bothered?  No.  Should I be bothered?  I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything, we were just talking, messaging, trying to convince each other by text and some fairly innocuous pictures that we were ‘suitable’ bed partners, possibly more but hey, let’s not give anything away too early on in the game, it’s always best to keep your options open.  Isn’t it?

I haven’t been online in over a week, actually that is a bit of a lie.  I have been online, just, online in a different way.  Seeing what else is out there and looking at lots of other things that may or may not interest me.

I did tell you I get bored easily.

The dating site isn’t for me.  It’s taken me a while to get there and I might, once I have explored other options, go back to it.  Who knows?  I am not one to say ‘never’ but for now, I am casting my net a bit wider.

I fear this may be a shorter blog than you expect, as I have a tendency to waffle on a bit about this and that and not much relative, so apologies if it leaves you expectant, or feeling like it is lacking in some way.

Must dash.  I have more research to do.  🙂







Cabin fever…

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I have got cabin fever.

It is a very weird feeling.  I know I can go out if I want to (although my car wont bloody start, so I will need to find some unsuspecting neighbour to help with that issue at some point) but there is nowhere to go.

Tom and Elsie have been off school since Monday and the novelty of that has quickly worn off too.  They are bored.  I am bored.  I dislike being stuck at home.

We have been out and played in the snow and on Wednesday I walked in to the village to the Post Office, on what was a lovely, sunny snow day.  The first couple of days were enjoyable and fun but the excitement of it all soon wears off, especially when you want to carry on with life.

Now the temperatures have really dropped, the sky is white and threatening and it is icy and bitter cold.

I feel like I have been indoors for days, weeks even.  I am starting to feel depressed.  No, not depressed, just fed up.   I know this will not last and I know that in a couple of days, hopefully, all will return to normal but I am struggling with this, more than I would have thought.

Last night we had a power cut.  I know, someone is really trying to test my patience.  I have limited patience at the best of times.  Something which I am going to try to change soon but that is a whole other blog.

The power went out at about 7 pm and as we are an all-electric house, this means there is nothing, no cooking, no heating, no kettle and worst of all, NO INTERNET!

Now it is not unusual for us to have power cuts where we are.  A lot of the time the power surges, so we have about half hour or so of the electricity being off for a minute, on a for minute, then off for a minute again, frustrating but entirely manageable.  However, when it goes properly it is usually gone for a while.

At 9.30 pm and after all of our phones had dumped out, we admitted defeat and went to bed.

Tom had been listening to music on his phone in an effort to remain occupied but just before 9 pm the battery was no more.  He had a bit of a mini-rage about how useless the internet is here, something he is always moaning about but as I pointed out to him as patiently as I could, with no electricity we can’t even turn on a light, never mind connect to the World Wide Web.

Elsie’s phone was already flat way before the power cut kicked in because she is always on face time to her friends.  I think I saw her reading a book by torchlight, at least I think it was Elsie, I can’t be sure, I have never seen her with an actual book in her hand.

We thought about playing a board game to pass the time, however, lack of light was a problem there. *note to self; get some bloody candles!  Or just having conversation but this ended in Tom and Elsie just winding each other up consistently.  We are just not used to the old ways now.  Technology is here to stay and for better or for worse we have all become really quite addicted to it.   We don’t know what to do without it?

My best laid plans all went arse up this week, as you know.  I never made it to London, I had to cancel Flash yesterday, much to our annoyance and I won’t be meeting my friends today either.  Do I sound like I have got the hump?  Good, because I have.

I also may have got myself in to a little bit of trouble this week.  You know what say about idle hands and my idle hands are a bloody nuisance when they are bored.

Sometimes things happen and you realise that life is short.

Things happen and things change we can not stop things from constantly evolving.  We either go with them or we remain stuck.

Have you ever read the book, Who moved my cheese?  It is a book about change and the way four characters perceive change and how they deal with it.  I have read it before, a long time ago, as it used most commonly used in the workplace.  Which is how I have come across it again.  It is being shared around our workforce at present.

It is a great story but a fairly obvious one.  To get the most out of anything you must put in the effort, sometimes we are resistant to change and this can be any change in our personal or work life.  Sometimes we have no choice in change, things happen that we can not stop.  Death is one.  It is sometimes hard to move, to adapt and to go on with our lives when we are scared or fearful of what might happen.

We want to stay safe and warm in a place we know and can rely on but what happens when we can no longer rely on that place, what if it becomes unsafe, we have to make a choice.  I struggle to make choices.  For me, it is in my personal life that I struggle the most.

I like to think that I can adjust easily and in some ways I can.  My work life is one of those areas, I like change at work.  I am constantly trying to improve things and enjoy the challenges that work gives me.  However, in my personal life I am a coward, I am Haw, (one of the little people from the book) I am sure that what I want is out there, I am just to scared to try to find it.

We only get one chance at this whole life thingy and regardless of what your view is on the afterlife and whether or not you come back as a cat, you really need to make the bloody most of it.

In an effort to try to embrace all things, whatever they may be I am going to sets my sights on something.  I am going to let myself go and not worry about the who and the where’s and the why fores,  I am going to stop over analysing (or try), this will be hard but I have to do it.  I have to stop my head from taking myself in and then out of things.  Just embrace and enjoy.  Or die trying!  Well, you know what I mean.

While I have been stuck indoors for the best part of a week, I have maintained my chats with my various acquaintances.  I am no further forward with any of them. So I am wiping the slate clean.  Starting over.

Gemini and I have been chatting a lot this week as he has been working from home due to the adverse weather conditions.  We chat about this and that, he makes me laugh.  It is uncomplicated and I like that a lot.  The other evening he offered to do a reading for me.  Intrigued, I agreed.

These were my cards and the reading he gave me: 


You show some resistance to change you want to remain in control of any situation.
You are over doing things and can’t see in front of yourself.  Focusing too much on one thing, you can’t see the wood for the trees.
There is some sort of dishonesty going on somewhere in your life.
Are you looking for some sort of guidance you know like some one to show you the way forward.  You seem lost at the moment, looking for structure and order in your life .
Also do you feel you have lost something and may be a little sad, the cards are telling me that in loss there is always something good to find, if  you look for it.
You seem to be all over the place in body and mind may be you are fighting with yourself but this will only be for a short while.
The lovers:  This is all about temptation and your choice to take it or not.  Such choices enable you to know yourself better and can also means self discovery.
You have a decision to make that has come about by your prior actions.


To me this all makes some sense, well in that vague kind of way that always comes with readings of this variety.   I do feel, or did feel, like all of the above quite recently.  My blogs are evident of that.  I have felt a longing for something for a while now, although I have not been sure what, when I have been sure, or thought I was, I have changed my mind, again.  I have been dishonest with myself about what I want my future to be like.

I am a thrill seeker, always have been.  An adventurer, a lost soul, who is never quite satisfied with her lot.  I am a dreamer, plotter, planner but I need to be more of a doer!  I used to be a doer.

Now, I am more fearful, life experience has taught me that sometimes things don’t always work out the way you planned but you really have to try not to let that stop you from trying it again.

It is hard to lay your self open to anything when you feel such uncertainty.  It is harder still to let go of what has happened and then, to hold out an open hand to what might happen next.

We all have our insecurities but it is those insecurities that hold us back,  they stop us from being the adventurers we once were.

I want to be an adventurer again and so I am going to say YES.  Yes, to anything that might open my mind, lead me to new pastures or just make me feel happy.

I may find that the pasture is not for me, once I have tried it but unless I try it, I will never know.   🙂

Oh and just for the record, it is snowing again!

I am going to have to take up meditation.