Curiosity maimed the cat…

I have a tiny and when I say tiny I mean tiny, interest in BDSM.

I follow some blogs on the subject and I have researched it, a lot. Over the last few months and in particular while I have been dabbling in online dating, it is something I have started to grow increasingly inquisitive about.

Now, lets not get carried away here. I am not suggesting that this is something I want to try nor am I suggesting it is something I have any idea about, in the sense of where would you start even? All I know is I like the idea of it.

However, there is kinky and there is kinky.

I don’t mean to make light of it but there probably isn’t a woman in the country who doesn’t own a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs, she purchased at a ladies only party in the 90’s and a sleeping mask that doubles as a blindfold. Every now and then the husband gleefully slaps on the handcuffs, gives her arse a firm but fairly gentle spanking while she wiggles about all silly and girly and it works, for both of them. It’s all good.

Maybe this is where it all starts?

For some who maybe enjoy the spanking and the tying up the need increases and you want to push further, to try a more intense version of role-play but still within the confines of your comfortable relationship. For others it may be enough to just indulge in those little extras as and when the mood takes or when you are both willing.

So when does it become more than that?

The questions that come with the exploration of this subject are plentiful and there are no easy answers. None that I have found anyway.

There are hundreds of websites, blogs, books and articles on this subject, along with the real-life stories of people who have been involved in BDSM in some way or another. It is the proverbial mine field, a mine field that has the potential to blow your mind or just simply, blow up in your face.

I have ventured, albeit tentatively, on to some of the websites dedicated to this subject and if I am completely honest, they scare the shit out of me.

My dammed curiosity does not stop me keep going back for another look though. So far, I have not been brave enough to communicate with anyone or indeed even post a real picture of myself and so I have gained no interest in my profile, which to be fair is vague at best and that suits me fine for now. I am simply enjoying the voyeurism.

Previously with my very normal profile on my very normal dating site I have been approached by people looking for something out of the ordinary. I have had all sorts of offers from all sorts of people. However, recently I had an offer of a D/s style relationship with a Teacher from Surrey.

He messaged to say that he was a Dominant but that it was all still quite new to him and would I be interested in exploring this avenue with him? My normal profile gives no indication that I may be interested in such a thing and so I was curious as to why he thought I might be.

We exchanged a few messages but we never really got off the ground. The trouble is that I don’t know what I am talking and about and clearly neither did he, so we were just bumbling around in the dark together, with neither one of us wanting to be too forward with the other, or at least that is what it felt like.

This sparked another endless stream of questions.

Everyone has to start somewhere but should two very inexperienced people start together?

This encounter though was the catalyst in my decision to make a new profile.

So far I have had some interesting conversations. I have also had some quite disturbing ones. There are lots of people out there all looking for something different.

I have always been very unclear about what I am looking for because to be honest I don’t know myself. I say one thing and think another, all the time. I drive myself nuts but it’s how I am.

I know that I do not want a full on relationship in the sense of, I do not want someone to move in with me, nor do I wish to move in with someone. I have children. I have managed to get this far without any help so I’m pretty sure I can continue do to so. It is not support I am looking for. I handle my own shit, in my own way, it may not be perfect to some but it is perfect for us.

I want something for myself. I have said this before, many, many times. In fact so many times that I am sure you are getting quite bored of hearing it.

What I want is to enjoy the rare times I get to be me.

I have never been very good at being good. I am a risk taker, I live for the now not for what might or might never happen. I have always been that way, I will never grow up. Fact. Yes, there are times when I have to be, lots of times in fact, that is life. However, on the few occasions that I can let go, I will. I will be free-falling through the air, winging it, taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy every bloody moment that comes my way.

My interest in a D/s relationship is still very much in its early stages and I have no idea where it will take me if anywhere.

I see this as an interest, much like a hobby I suppose. I might try it and I might not. I might like it and on the other hand I might not. It might lead to me trying something else, related or completely unrelated. Who knows?

This is what is exciting to me. It is also very scary, I admit that.

I know this is not for everyone and a lot of people will find it hard to understand or even want to try to understand. The hardest part for me still, writing this blog, is knowing that some people know who I am but I don’t want to hide. I started this as a kind of diary I suppose, life and stuff, just the general things but as things have progressed I have developed a real passion for it and I want to be able to be honest.

I just want to say how I feel. After all, that was kind of the point.

At the moment I feel like I am going round in circles and I know that is mostly because I have been trying to avoid anything to controversial or anything that might upset but you can’t please all the people all the time and I while this might not be to everyone’s taste, it is clear to me that I want to be able to talk about.

Don’t get me wrong it puzzles me and makes me question myself a lot but a curiosity is never satisfied until you find the answers. I need to know more.

Having such a strong character almost all of it seems alien to me. I have always enjoyed kinky sex and have probably taken that further than your average housewife but that doesn’t mean I will be comfortable taking it any further than I have already. I know what I am comfortable with and we all love our comfort zones.

However, having had a little taste of what it might be like I can honestly say my curiosity has only been heightened.

They do say, curiosity killed the cat but they also say, never stop exploring… 🙂

You only live once…

Unless you are James Bond of course but for the rest of us mere mortals, that’s it.  It’s a one time only offer.  Make of it what you will.

It is British Summer Time… Hoorah!  I know it doesn’t feel like it but it is.

The clocks went forward an hour last night and my whole body feels more tired than I ever thought possible.

I had a terrible nights sleep.  By terrible, I mean two hours at best.  In fact I haven’t slept well all week, for lots of reasons.  It has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

This morning we were up early for football.  They lost but bravely, it was a good battle and they fought till the end.  Tom managed to not get so emotional this time but the same can’t be said for me.   I am a wreck.  I can’t bear the pressure of Tom being goal keeper, it seems like such a massive responsibility to put on such young shoulders.  My heart lurches every time the other team get possession of the ball.  I can’t bear the anticipation and when they score, well it’s all I can do not to have a tantrum myself.

I just can’t bear to see him look so defeated.  He is getting better at keeping it together and over the course of the match he made some great saves.  Missed a few saved a few, that’s how it is but he takes it so personally.  The score rests on his shoulders.  It doesn’t of course but that is how he sees it.

This week has been stupidly busy at work with an exceptional number of complaints, which is always nice, not.  The workload is increasing by the day it seems, we have lost two members of staff to new career’s and as yet have not found replacements, despite interviewing a fair few candidates.

I love interviewing but I am not necessarily very good at it.  I tend to favour the underdog.  If you seem nervous, or particularly awkward and or have a tic or I don’t know just something that generally doesn’t come across well in interviews, I want to give you the job.

The trouble is you must have skin like Rhino to work in the NHS.  You need to obviously care and have a certain amount of empathy and understanding but the most important thing you need is a layer of impenetrable membrane that will not allow the constant jabs about the NHS in general and its staff, get to you.

The daily groan about the waiting times, the rude dragon receptionist, that woman I spoke to on the phone who obviously doesn’t have a clue and the hundred or so people a day who complain about the length of time it took to get through or the wait to get a blood test and so on and so on.

I know.  I feel your pain, I am also the patient of a GP surgery, a different one but I can tell you the issues are the same.  I struggle to get through on the telephone at busy times of the day.  I also can not get an appointment for 2-3 weeks unless I want to go and wait in the reception for half the morning.

This unfortunately is a service under pressure, increasing pressure in all avenues but please believe me when I say it is not because we don’t want to give you an appointment that you can’t have one on your desired day at your desired time, it is simply because there isn’t one.

Receptionists and admin staff are being asked to do more and more and because of this we are seen as an obstacle, a barrier between you and your Doctor.  We are simply being asked to signpost people away from the GP’s.  Sign posting is a way of  seeing if someone else can help them with the issue,  not everyone likes the idea, staff included as people are often very offended if you ask them why they would like to see the Doctor.

They might not want to tell us and in truth they don’t have to but this is the way forward now for most GP surgery’s in an effort to try to reduce the waiting times for appointments.  Will it work?  Only time will tell I suppose and even then only if everyone get’s on board.

Tuesday I had a date.  In fact I have had two dates this week.  Both were very enjoyable.

I don’t want to count my chickens but I think I may have a second date on the cards.

I have already counted my chickens haven’t I?   Just by writing it down and announcing to you all that I may have a second date means that by tomorrow evening you can bet your arse I won’t have.

Tuesday I met one of those city types for a brunch date.

Now I am not usually one for stereotyping people and to be fair he was nice (not sure nice is the right word), if typically city.  He was handsome for sure, not as tall as I thought he would be and we met at Gatwick of all places.  He had flown in from the States (not especially to see me I might add, that would just be weird) and I trundled up on the train from my home on what was a very bloody cold day.

Before we met he insisted on ensuring that I would be wearing suitable clothing.  When I say suitable clothing I mean something that he would like.  What he liked was a dress, with stockings and heels.

I have two dresses in my wardrobe.  I am not made for dresses.

One is an Emerald Green, lace shift dress that I pull out for weddings, christenings and well anything really, the other is a black woolen mix dress that I bought for my Dad’s funeral, this has been worn to every funeral since.

Heels I can manage but dresses.  No.

However, manage I did.  Why?  Well simply because I was incredibly excited about the whole thing.

I won’t say I wasn’t nervous.  I was, extremely nervous and all the while I was on the train I kept trying to talk myself into remaining on the train and not getting off at the next station, crossing the platform and returning safely to my comfort zone.

I found the whole thing more than a little bizarre but Oh My God if I was looking for a thrill, I just found one.

He was more than a little controlling and although he made it perfectly clear that I could leave at any time.  I wasn’t under any illusions as to how he expected things to pan out.

Did I think about leaving?  Yes, about a hundred times.  I didn’t.

I checked in with the buddies, took a deep breath, pulled up my big girl panties (metaphorically speaking) and thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience.  It was surreal at times and I wondered if I might have lost my mind and I certainly won’t lie by saying that at some points I wasn’t brought sharply back to reality.

In hindsight so much could have gone wrong.

If there is one thing I lack it is fear.  Yes I get anxious, nervous like most people on occasion but I never think that anything bad will happen.  Is that a good thing?  In a way I suppose it is.  I never stop myself from trying anything for fear of it going wrong.  I am an optimist, I always think things will turn out fine.  I do not worry about anything sometimes even I find this odd.

It is only after an event I might think how it could have turned out so differently, by then it would have been too bloody late if it had.

Neither am I am one for regret.  I make my choices, I live with them.

My only regret about the whole thing was being unprepared.  I caught sight of myself in the toilets at the station, while I waited an hour for my twice delayed train, in the bitter cold and I looked like I had been hauled through several hedges.  Thorny ones.

I had no make-up, no hair brush, nothing.  The guy I purchased my latte from earlier that day, while I was still looking fabulous, gave me a biscuit when I returned to get another one, in a vain attempt to send something warm through my body.  “You look like you need something sweet?” he said.  I smiled and tottered off looking for a hole to fall in to.

The funny thing about shame or guilt is that usually you feel it unnecessarily.  I wasn’t ashamed nor did I feel guilty but for one split second, I wondered what he must think I had done.  The only reason this feels wrong is because he doesn’t know me.  He doesn’t know that this is not the sort of thing I do everyday and even if I did do it every day should it matter to him or to anyone else.

We are good at making ourselves feel bad for the things that society perceives to be immoral or wrong in some way.  Who decides?  I don’t feel bad but I feel like I should feel bad.  Why?

Midweek I had three arguments, well actually it was more than three as Elsie has been in stroppy teen mode this week, so just with her I am probably into double figures.  The attitude has arrived and its a corker.   Her face is a face of contempt about almost everything at the moment and it is ripe for slapping.

Wednesday I had one of those moments, much like a come down I suppose.  I was leaning against the desk at work in the buddies office and I casually said, “Ohhh, I just need something exciting to happen”, at which point we all just burst in to hysterics.

We decided to go out for a drink after work Friday.  It was well deserved.  We finished at 4 pm and hit the pub for a couple of lovely, laughter filled hours.  It was just the tonic.

While I was there I had a message from Hunter.

We have been talking for a few days.  Hunter is considerably younger than me and so I was keeping him on the back foot for now and also trying to hold him off until after my meeting Tuesday.  The previous night though we were messaging for hours, he was keen to meet and I agreed but we had yet to come up with a date.

The message he sent gave me his address and told me to be there by 7 pm.

My stomach did a little flip-flop.  I do like all this bossy stuff.

Who’d have thought it?  Not me that’s for sure.  I do not like being told what to do.  Or so I thought?

Unfortunately my responsibilities took precedent on this occasion and I had to politely decline his offer.

He was very gracious and told me that he understood why I could not meet him this evening and he would look forward to seeing me tomorrow instead.

So I did meet him tomorrow…

It’s a cliché but if you found out you were dying, would you do it?  Would you love more?  Would you be nicer, braver?  Try anything once?  You would and we are, dying that is, eventually.

 

 

Written in the stars…

This may or may not surprise you but I am very interested in astrology.

My fascination with all this started many years ago when I was in my teens.

My best friends Mum was heavily in to astrology and horoscopes, compatibility and personality and all such stuff.  I spent a lot of time at their house throughout my childhood and so I suppose it was inevitable that some of this would rub off on me.

Usually we would only have half a foot in the back door before she was telling us all what the day, week or month had in store for us.

At time we found it all very amusing, especially when she would analyse whether our current love interests were going to be keepers or not.  Did we take any notice?  Not usually.  Was she usually right?  Generally speaking, yes, in a weird hocus pocus kind of way.

I have loosely followed astrology throughout my life.  I know a little more about it than your average person, maybe?  Do I live my life by it?  No, of course not.  I do though still believe that persons born under the same influences, of which there are many, are basically the same.

However, we are not carbon copies of each other and despite being born under the same sign there will be differences but the main characteristics of our personalities and traits, I believe, are basically the same.

Life experiences change us along the way as do many other influences, our parents and our schooling but I still think there is something, however illogical that may sound to some about the compatibility of certain signs.

This has not stopped me from entering in to relationships with people who it might be said, I am incompatible with.  For you see the thing about people is that we have two sides, we have our best side and our everyday side, these are the same thing loosely speaking but our best side is our everyday side when it is, for example, at an interview.

At an interview you wouldn’t tell your prospective employer that you sometimes struggle with anxiety, or that you can be forgetful.  You wouldn’t tell them that you struggle to communicate or that you have a bad temper, you would simply be yourself but your best self.  The one that usually on a daily basis everyone sees.

However, in a relationship of any kind be it with your parents or any other members of your family and then eventually in any romantic relationship your best self is tested to its limits.  This is your everyday you.

You may be wondering why I am withering on about all this but I have a point, I think.

In relationships and typically I mean romantic relationships, there are just some people who can not be mixed together.

When I have entered in to relationships in the past I have always known whether or not we should be compatible, according to the stars.  Some I have known should be a disaster before they even get off the ground but they start as fun and as with most new relationships you get on well and enjoy each others company, so you go with it and see what happens.  Guess what happened?  We didn’t make it.

I know you are all thinking I am mad as a hatter right now and I am not saying that we were didn’t make it because the stars said we wouldn’t but I am saying that the chances were slim in the first place.

There will always be people we are more compatible with than others, surely that just makes perfect sense.

The bit that doesn’t make sense is… and this is just an example, is that a Leo couldn’t possibly marry a Virgo.  Why?  Who knows.  I don’t know and I’m not pretending that I do but generally speaking their personalities and traits are either too similar or too different.  Maybe?

In the early days of a relationship though you would never think to consider such things,  unless you are a truly avid believer, we convince ourselves that surely there can’t be anything in all that horoscope nonsense.

I am an Aquarian.

I fit my sign almost perfectly.  I am complicated but can be unravelled easily, I feel like a contradiction.  I say one thing and do another.  I am uncontrollable and opinionated and can come across as aloof and uninterested but I care about everyone and everything and believe that everyone has the right to be and believe in whatever gets them through the day.  I would give someone my last penny but expect them to do something miraculous with it.  I have high expectations and yet I know how hard it can be to achieve.  I dislike confrontation and hide my emotions but I am a fighter and love a cause.  An adventurer and philosopher and a general bloody know it all.  In a nice way of course.. 😉

 

 

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Maybe this sums it up a bit better than I can, albeit a bit loosely?  In short I think I am very similar to how Aquarius are described.

Despite our sign, we humans listen to our hearts instead or our heads, especially in the early days of relationships.  We might have a gut feeling that something isn’t right but we still have a certain amount of optimism that leads us to believe that it will all turn out in the end.  When it doesn’t, which is so often the case, we blame ourselves because ultimately we think we should have known better.  We should have listened to our gut.  Why didn’t we?

Relationships are funny old things.  In the beginning they are the be all and end all of everything.  Everything you do on a daily basis feels lighter somehow, better because you are in happy place, you are in love/lust and it feels amazing.

You have a mate, someone you can confide in and share things with, someone to be your plus one, you are no longer the singleton at every event and this feels good.  You enjoy each others company, laugh a lot,  the sex is frequent and usually of the orgasmic kind and what is not to love about that.  There is no reason to think that will not last a lifetime.  Why wouldn’t it?  You are clearly made for each other.

A relationship is an investment.  An investment of our time and our emotions, we give ourselves completely or try (for some, including myself, this is not always easy) but the will is there, we want it to work and we will put in the effort required to ensure that it does.

However, this is where we come back to compatibility.

I am not an avid fan of the ‘relationship’ as you know and I often wonder if that is because I have read that I shouldn’t be or because I just keep trying it and getting wrong.  Is it because I am not choosing the right sign, would this make a difference?

Have I convinced myself to become a typical Aquarian?  There’s a thought.

Perhaps it is just a simple fact that despite the want to keep trying and keep hoping that your relationship will continue to maintain itself there are those of us that are just not meant to be together in that way.

Sometimes and I know this sounds all airy fairy but it is written in the stars that you will never be able to co-exist in complete harmony.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Henry is dead…

The day did not start well.  There are lots of reasons for this, the most frustrating of which was an argument with the hoover.

Actually that is not the most frustrating thing that happened, it is more that I took out my frustrations on the hoover.   I do not feel in any way sorry for Henry, who if I’m honest I have had a love/hate relationship with, since I bought him a few years ago.

Henry and I do not like each other.

I am not keen on housework as you all know, so my first bug bear is having to lug Henry around the house in the first place but add to that the sheer bulk of Henry and his ability to get stuck, tangled and wedged in all manner of things just makes me want to hurl him out the window.

He is heavy and he doesn’t move well, despite his wheels.

Yesterday, I was contemplating how on earth I was going to fit everything in today as I was originally supposed to be having two dates today.   Along with making the house look half-decent, collecting the children from school and making dinner, somewhere in between.

I needn’t have worried.  Why do I?  I should surely know by now that these things never go to plan.  It seems you can not rely on men anymore, ever.   Bitter?  Yes, I’m bloody getting there!

In my already fairly despondent mood, I decided I might as well make use of the day and crack on with some, admittedly, long overdue jobs.  So I cleaned out the upstairs cupboards and the airing cupboard and put fresh linen on all the beds and after a good tidy up and a move around everything just needed a good hoover.

By the time I had finished lugging Henry around the upstairs my rage had only increased.  I don’t know what it is about him but I swear he tips me over the edge.  As I navigated the landing and tried to move him on to the stairs we got tangled up, he was refusing to move and the hose was all twisted up the wrong way and in my sheer frustration I booted him.  I know, it is irrational but I couldn’t help it.

We were both tipped off-balance and I’m sorry to say that in the choice between which one of us was going to end up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs, I chose Henry.

He fell unceremoniously from top to bottom and landed in a plume of dust by the back door.  The plug was whipped from the wall and as the cable sailed by it smacked my ankle, I swore loudly at this last ditched attempt by Henry to have the last bloody word.

RIP you cumbersome old bastard.

Until today the week had been pretty uneventful.

 

I shouldn’t moan as quiet times are few and far between in my house. There is always some drama or another going on and if it isn’t here, it will be at work or with a friend or something, anything but life is never quiet.

Even Tom and Elsie are behaving.  Well when I say behaving I mean they are being good that does not mean they are not irritating me.  Tom especially.

I have a question.  Answers on a postcard please.

When will my son get his brain?

Anyone?  If you are a mother with a son who is older than 13 could you please let me know when this is likely to happen?  He just doesn’t remember a single thing, not one, ever.  This means that I am constantly moaning at him, well I call it reminding, he calls it moaning but in all fairness if he could just remember the things that I keep reminding/moaning at him about, then I wouldn’t have to keep reminding/moaning at him.  Simple?  You’d like to think.

In more good news, a friend of mine found a speed dating event locally.  It is being held in a pub we know in town.  She immediately thought we should go and give it a try.

I, ever the sceptic, wasn’t sure at first, probably assuming that speed dating is all a bit ‘old hat’ now.  I didn’t even realise they still ran events like these but I suppose in reality there is more need now than ever.

She sent me the details and we both thought.. Why not?  It might be a laugh, if nothing else.  Something to blog about after the event.  The more I thought about it, the more the idea appealed.

I am a talker and so is she, so we wouldn’t have any trouble making chit-chat with random men.  It is nice to see people in person, attraction is a key part, as let’s face it half the battle with online dating is the endless messaging, then you meet and you don’t fancy each other.  Plus there is no pressure, you sit, you chat for the allotted time and you move on.

We decided to find out more about it.

My optimism about the impending speed dating was very short-lived as today she informed me we are too old!  My day is just getting better by the minute.

Well that knocked the wind out of my sails.  Too fucking old! Says Who, exactly?

I am NOT old.  I refuse to be old.  I do not want to be old.  Nor do I wish anyone else to inform me that I should now be put out to pasture.  NO. Just NO.

The age bracket for this particular event is 30-45.   This means that in January I could have gone to the speed dating event and yes, maybe I would have been at the older end of the scale but I would have been in the running.  Now though, in March and since I have had a birthday I am no longer in the correct age bracket.

Tickets for the event are twenty pounds, which I have to say seems a lot.  It seems a lot when you think you could go to the pub anyway probably and just loiter in the background waiting to pounce on any rejects.   What do you get for twenty pounds?  A score card and pencil and the chance to meet a few (turn out dependant) hapless individuals who can’t seem to find a life partner.  Are there nibbles?

So, it seems we won’t be going speed dating after all.  Well unless we do decide to gate crash, which at the moment I am all for.

Clearly if we want to go speed dating we will have to find an old people’s version.  Or try Bingo?

I have before been an avid Bingo goer, introduced to it by my Nan, she loved her Bingo.  I used to take her on a Friday night, way back when I was in my early twenties.  My Nan was a skinny stick of a woman who smoked like a trooper and swore like a navvy.  We were peas in a pod.  I loved her like no other.

In those days I drove an old Mini City, bright yellow it was, with black go faster stripes.  It was a wreck of a car and not the comfiest ride you would have taken in your life.  I have always been somewhat of a reckless driver and my poor old Nan barely made it to the end of some journeys in that old Mini.

It makes me smile just thinking of those Friday night Bingo trips.  I can hear her now:

“Fucking hell, I can’t take another journey in that bloody car girl, it makes my fucking bones rattle, it’s going to be the death of me”

As it was the cancer got her in the end.  Probably all those bloody fags!  At only 67 she was no more.  I can honestly say that nothing has devastated me quite as much since, nor will it ever I don’t think.

My first real experience of losing someone I truly loved.  It was heart wrenching.

Anyway, while we are talking death, I suppose I had better go and cremate Henry.

Sunday confessional…

So, first off. I lied. Well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I wish I could say I feel bad about that but the truth is I don’t.

I tried. I really did.  I couldn’t do it.

I let him back in. After nearly a whole week of not talking to Mack, I crumbled.  I checked to see if he had messaged.  Why?  Er, no idea.  Ask me another.

He had been messaging.  Asking how I was and why I wasn’t talking to him?  He knows why I haven’t been talking to him. He knows he irritates me and to be frank, he bloody loves it.  He loves that I have admitted that he is my Achilles heel, that I can’t say no to him, despite wanting to harm him in some way most of the time.

He enjoys it. He gets off on the fact that I want him, he wants me too but we are going to play this crazy game together for, well who knows how long?

I can’t say I don’t like it either because in some weird and unexplainable way I actually enjoy it.  I like the way we are together, the way we tease and goad each other.  We both know we are attracted to each other but we pretend otherwise.

It has been a weird week all round to be honest.

I was heavily distracted for most of it which kept my mind well and truly off of all things Mack related.  That was until the thing that was heavily distracting me all went tits up. Then in an almost trance like state my mind wandered back to Mack, like he was always there just lurking in the darkness waiting for me, knowing that I would always come back at some point.

I recall when I started this blog that I accused men of always looking for the next thrill, the next big adventure and to some extent I still stand by that statement. The grass always looks greener anywhere, except for the bit you are standing on.  Temptation is only a click away.  However, now I think that I am the thrill seeker.

I have already admitted to this but I didn’t realise just how much I love the thrill of all this.  It has become quite addictive.

So after what had been an unusal week to say the least, on Thursday I sent Mack a little taste of what was on offer, he nearly bit my hand off.

For those of you who think that is in someway degrading or demeaning, I wholeheartedly disagree.  However, if you want to call that sin number two, then that is fine with me.

Actually, I think all my sinning started with Flash but anyway.

I have made a new profile. It is a very specific profile about what I am looking for. I have made it quite clear what I like and don’t like.  What I want in a relationship and what I don’t.

So far it has proved to be quite exciting but as I am not one to get ahead of myself I am staying on the fence, at least until I have something concrete to report.

Gemini and I had an interesting Saturday night.  We were reminiscing, always a dangerous thing to do.  I had been out for a few drinks with a friend and so add vodka to the mix (we all know that vodka is to blame for everything) and there will be trouble.

Not all of the memories we share are good ones, well for me at least.  It wasn’t a great time for me.  I was desperately unhappy and just looking for comfort.  I was stuck in a place I knew I didn’t really want to be, yet I still convinced myself that it would all work out in the end.  I was wrong but those years were tough, a constant battle with myself about what was right and what was expected.

It was our usual evening chit-chat.  We do flirt a bit I suppose as is normal in boy/girl talk but on the whole it is just chat about this, that and the other.  Well, to a certain extent. There is something underlying between us and I have a feeling that whatever that is, it will always be there.  However, I think our time has passed but I can’t be sure about that. Sometimes you can’t be sure about anything but I am not a one for generally going back.

I believe things happen or don’t happen for a reason and that once the moment has gone you have to look forward not back.

It will be me that holds back out of the two of us as he is considerably braver than I am.

Your past is a funny thing.  You can go months, years even, without thinking of someone and then all of a sudden, one day, boom they are back.  A song or something someone says reminds you of someone from way back.  Or, you just out of the blue see someone you haven’t seen for years.

Last year I went to a wedding and bumped in to my very first boyfriend ever.  It was a bit surreal.

I should have expected to bump in to him really, as the lovely girl whose wedding it was, was someone we used to babysit for back when we were a couple, probably 25 years or so ago.  Bloody hell, that makes me feel incredibly old!

We did not part well, my first love and I.

I rarely see him as he moved away some years ago but every now and then he pops up somewhere, or he finds me on social media.  He never really got over our break up, which I know sounds odd as it was such a long time ago now but it is true.  When I saw him at the wedding I knew he still felt the same even after all these years apart.

He makes me feel uncomfortable which is half the reason I wont communicate with him. There are some people who come in to and out of your life that you can still have a fairly healthy, if not friends, then acquaintances, kind of relationship and there are some who you know will never want to be just friends, he falls in to the later and so for that reason I just can’t bring myself to talk to him.

Anyway, I have wondered off the path here somewhat.  Back to Mack:

Friday we metYep.  It happened.

I have very mixed feelings about it all.  He had been bombarding me with messages all day, pushing to meet.  I started really by calling his bluff and agreeing to anything and everything, thinking in my head that he wont go through with any of it.

By 6 pm we had agreed to meet for coffee!

Still not convinced that anything would happen I carried on with my evening and messaging Mack who it seemed was very excited.  The chat was getting dirtier and so were the promises of what was to come.

At 8.30 pm he messaged to say he was in the pub car park and where the bloody hell was I?  Shit!  He actually came…………

So we had a drink and we chatted for a bit, he wasn’t as nice looking as I had painted him in my head.  Remember, it has been a while since we met and he has no pictures on his profile.  He looked different to how I remember him, he was still full of himself though and cocky to the end.  It has lessened my desire for him a tiny bit though and so maybe it was a good thing.

However, I wasn’t very good.  In fact I was very bad.

Our messages throughout the day had preempted how the evening would end.

I haven’t heard from him since and as this is part of the game we play, I don’t expect to. He will no doubt message tomorrow when he is back at work and his hands are idle for five minutes.  I may or may not message back, we will see and that is how it will go on all the time we let it.

I do though still smile when I think about it and for that very reason I will confess to being a bad girl but I can’t promise it wont happen again.

Post Note:

Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful Mum’s celebrating today.  No one handles anything quite like a Mother, you are amazing! 💗

A new chapter…

I am having a cup of sweet tea.  Very sweet.

I need it.  I am so stressed.

We are back in the land of the living, after our few days of being stuck at home in what can only be described as Siberian temperatures, for most of last week.  Well, alright not quite Siberian but almost and certainly not what us soft Southerners are used to, that’s for sure.

It’s only Tuesday and it is already looking like it will be a long week.

Tom has lost yet another PE kit.  Honestly, I despair.  Is it so difficult for him to take one lot of clothes off put them in his bag and put another lot of clothes back on without bloody leaving anything behind?  “Yes” is the answer to that!

I was supposed to pick up another one from the store on my way home today.  I forgot.  Like Mother, like son.  My head is elsewhere.

I was supposed to meet Flash today, after we postponed during the snowy conditions of last week.  I had to cancel as work beckoned.  I have so much to catch up on.   He was disappointed, as was I and now I kind of regret it because I think that Flash is just what I needed today.

I fall in and out of bed with Flash (pardon the pun), easily because he is good company. There is no pressure on either side to commit to anything other than just enjoying each other.  We chat easily and we laugh a lot.  He is funny and sweet albeit in an over exuberant kind of way but I have said all this before.

However, I find that when I am distracted by something else he doesn’t hold my attention, I suppose because he is not trying to.  We are not in that kind of relationship, if we can indeed even call it that.  We text as and when, sometimes a lot and some days never.  It is easy.  Too easy.

I can pick him up and put him down whenever I want to.  That sounds harsh, I know.  However, I don’t mean that he is my puppet to do with what I will, this is just the way it is with us.  If he cancels, I am not too bothered and I don’t think he is when I cancel.  Well, until today.

He seemed more disappointed than usual today and was trying to get another date arranged fairly soon.  It has been a few weeks now since we have seen each other and so apart from sexting, which does not always come to a satisfactory end.  I think we were both needing some relief.

I am at a point now though where I am wondering whether to continue with it at all?  I keep changing my mind.  Unusual for me, I know.  😉

My mind is not my own right now.  I wish I could explain further but  I’m not sure I would know where to begin.

I have reached the point where I need to let go of all this, for now at least.

I do however think you will all be pleased to know,  I have finally blocked Mack.  The man just tipped me over the edge last weekend and after a week of cabin fever, he got short shrift of my bad mood once again sending me one LOL too many.

I have never known a man to message so often, yet have so little to say.

Woodsman and I had a row about sexism, also at the weekend, so he isn’t talking to me either now, as he thinks I’m a twat. 

He could well be right.

Am I bothered?  No.  Should I be bothered?  I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything, we were just talking, messaging, trying to convince each other by text and some fairly innocuous pictures that we were ‘suitable’ bed partners, possibly more but hey, let’s not give anything away too early on in the game, it’s always best to keep your options open.  Isn’t it?

I haven’t been online in over a week, actually that is a bit of a lie.  I have been online, just, online in a different way.  Seeing what else is out there and looking at lots of other things that may or may not interest me.

I did tell you I get bored easily.

The dating site isn’t for me.  It’s taken me a while to get there and I might, once I have explored other options, go back to it.  Who knows?  I am not one to say ‘never’ but for now, I am casting my net a bit wider.

I fear this may be a shorter blog than you expect, as I have a tendency to waffle on a bit about this and that and not much relative, so apologies if it leaves you expectant, or feeling like it is lacking in some way.

Must dash.  I have more research to do.  🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cabin fever…

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I have got cabin fever.

It is a very weird feeling.  I know I can go out if I want to (although my car wont bloody start, so I will need to find some unsuspecting neighbour to help with that issue at some point) but there is nowhere to go.

Tom and Elsie have been off school since Monday and the novelty of that has quickly worn off too.  They are bored.  I am bored.  I dislike being stuck at home.

We have been out and played in the snow and on Wednesday I walked in to the village to the Post Office, on what was a lovely, sunny snow day.  The first couple of days were enjoyable and fun but the excitement of it all soon wears off, especially when you want to carry on with life.

Now the temperatures have really dropped, the sky is white and threatening and it is icy and bitter cold.

I feel like I have been indoors for days, weeks even.  I am starting to feel depressed.  No, not depressed, just fed up.   I know this will not last and I know that in a couple of days, hopefully, all will return to normal but I am struggling with this, more than I would have thought.

Last night we had a power cut.  I know, someone is really trying to test my patience.  I have limited patience at the best of times.  Something which I am going to try to change soon but that is a whole other blog.

The power went out at about 7 pm and as we are an all-electric house, this means there is nothing, no cooking, no heating, no kettle and worst of all, NO INTERNET!

Now it is not unusual for us to have power cuts where we are.  A lot of the time the power surges, so we have about half hour or so of the electricity being off for a minute, on a for minute, then off for a minute again, frustrating but entirely manageable.  However, when it goes properly it is usually gone for a while.

At 9.30 pm and after all of our phones had dumped out, we admitted defeat and went to bed.

Tom had been listening to music on his phone in an effort to remain occupied but just before 9 pm the battery was no more.  He had a bit of a mini-rage about how useless the internet is here, something he is always moaning about but as I pointed out to him as patiently as I could, with no electricity we can’t even turn on a light, never mind connect to the World Wide Web.

Elsie’s phone was already flat way before the power cut kicked in because she is always on face time to her friends.  I think I saw her reading a book by torchlight, at least I think it was Elsie, I can’t be sure, I have never seen her with an actual book in her hand.

We thought about playing a board game to pass the time, however, lack of light was a problem there. *note to self; get some bloody candles!  Or just having conversation but this ended in Tom and Elsie just winding each other up consistently.  We are just not used to the old ways now.  Technology is here to stay and for better or for worse we have all become really quite addicted to it.   We don’t know what to do without it?

My best laid plans all went arse up this week, as you know.  I never made it to London, I had to cancel Flash yesterday, much to our annoyance and I won’t be meeting my friends today either.  Do I sound like I have got the hump?  Good, because I have.

I also may have got myself in to a little bit of trouble this week.  You know what say about idle hands and my idle hands are a bloody nuisance when they are bored.

Sometimes things happen and you realise that life is short.

Things happen and things change we can not stop things from constantly evolving.  We either go with them or we remain stuck.

Have you ever read the book, Who moved my cheese?  It is a book about change and the way four characters perceive change and how they deal with it.  I have read it before, a long time ago, as it used most commonly used in the workplace.  Which is how I have come across it again.  It is being shared around our workforce at present.

It is a great story but a fairly obvious one.  To get the most out of anything you must put in the effort, sometimes we are resistant to change and this can be any change in our personal or work life.  Sometimes we have no choice in change, things happen that we can not stop.  Death is one.  It is sometimes hard to move, to adapt and to go on with our lives when we are scared or fearful of what might happen.

We want to stay safe and warm in a place we know and can rely on but what happens when we can no longer rely on that place, what if it becomes unsafe, we have to make a choice.  I struggle to make choices.  For me, it is in my personal life that I struggle the most.

I like to think that I can adjust easily and in some ways I can.  My work life is one of those areas, I like change at work.  I am constantly trying to improve things and enjoy the challenges that work gives me.  However, in my personal life I am a coward, I am Haw, (one of the little people from the book) I am sure that what I want is out there, I am just to scared to try to find it.

We only get one chance at this whole life thingy and regardless of what your view is on the afterlife and whether or not you come back as a cat, you really need to make the bloody most of it.

In an effort to try to embrace all things, whatever they may be I am going to sets my sights on something.  I am going to let myself go and not worry about the who and the where’s and the why fores,  I am going to stop over analysing (or try), this will be hard but I have to do it.  I have to stop my head from taking myself in and then out of things.  Just embrace and enjoy.  Or die trying!  Well, you know what I mean.

While I have been stuck indoors for the best part of a week, I have maintained my chats with my various acquaintances.  I am no further forward with any of them. So I am wiping the slate clean.  Starting over.

Gemini and I have been chatting a lot this week as he has been working from home due to the adverse weather conditions.  We chat about this and that, he makes me laugh.  It is uncomplicated and I like that a lot.  The other evening he offered to do a reading for me.  Intrigued, I agreed.

These were my cards and the reading he gave me: 

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You show some resistance to change you want to remain in control of any situation.
You are over doing things and can’t see in front of yourself.  Focusing too much on one thing, you can’t see the wood for the trees.
There is some sort of dishonesty going on somewhere in your life.
Are you looking for some sort of guidance you know like some one to show you the way forward.  You seem lost at the moment, looking for structure and order in your life .
Also do you feel you have lost something and may be a little sad, the cards are telling me that in loss there is always something good to find, if  you look for it.
You seem to be all over the place in body and mind may be you are fighting with yourself but this will only be for a short while.
The lovers:  This is all about temptation and your choice to take it or not.  Such choices enable you to know yourself better and can also means self discovery.
You have a decision to make that has come about by your prior actions.

 

To me this all makes some sense, well in that vague kind of way that always comes with readings of this variety.   I do feel, or did feel, like all of the above quite recently.  My blogs are evident of that.  I have felt a longing for something for a while now, although I have not been sure what, when I have been sure, or thought I was, I have changed my mind, again.  I have been dishonest with myself about what I want my future to be like.

I am a thrill seeker, always have been.  An adventurer, a lost soul, who is never quite satisfied with her lot.  I am a dreamer, plotter, planner but I need to be more of a doer!  I used to be a doer.

Now, I am more fearful, life experience has taught me that sometimes things don’t always work out the way you planned but you really have to try not to let that stop you from trying it again.

It is hard to lay your self open to anything when you feel such uncertainty.  It is harder still to let go of what has happened and then, to hold out an open hand to what might happen next.

We all have our insecurities but it is those insecurities that hold us back,  they stop us from being the adventurers we once were.

I want to be an adventurer again and so I am going to say YES.  Yes, to anything that might open my mind, lead me to new pastures or just make me feel happy.

I may find that the pasture is not for me, once I have tried it but unless I try it, I will never know.   🙂

Oh and just for the record, it is snowing again!

I am going to have to take up meditation.