I feel like I am losing my mind. I have got cabin fever.
It is a very weird feeling. I know I can go out if I want to (although my car wont bloody start, so I will need to find some unsuspecting neighbour to help with that issue at some point) but there is nowhere to go.
Tom and Elsie have been off school since Monday and the novelty of that has quickly worn off too. They are bored. I am bored. I dislike being stuck at home.
We have been out and played in the snow and on Wednesday I walked in to the village to the Post Office, on what was a lovely, sunny snow day. The first couple of days were enjoyable and fun but the excitement of it all soon wears off, especially when you want to carry on with life.
Now the temperatures have really dropped, the sky is white and threatening and it is icy and bitter cold.
I feel like I have been indoors for days, weeks even. I am starting to feel depressed. No, not depressed, just fed up. I know this will not last and I know that in a couple of days, hopefully, all will return to normal but I am struggling with this, more than I would have thought.
Last night we had a power cut. I know, someone is really trying to test my patience. I have limited patience at the best of times. Something which I am going to try to change soon but that is a whole other blog.
The power went out at about 7 pm and as we are an all-electric house, this means there is nothing, no cooking, no heating, no kettle and worst of all, NO INTERNET!
Now it is not unusual for us to have power cuts where we are. A lot of the time the power surges, so we have about half hour or so of the electricity being off for a minute, on a for minute, then off for a minute again, frustrating but entirely manageable. However, when it goes properly it is usually gone for a while.
At 9.30 pm and after all of our phones had dumped out, we admitted defeat and went to bed.
Tom had been listening to music on his phone in an effort to remain occupied but just before 9 pm the battery was no more. He had a bit of a mini-rage about how useless the internet is here, something he is always moaning about but as I pointed out to him as patiently as I could, with no electricity we can’t even turn on a light, never mind connect to the World Wide Web.
Elsie’s phone was already flat way before the power cut kicked in because she is always on face time to her friends. I think I saw her reading a book by torchlight, at least I think it was Elsie, I can’t be sure, I have never seen her with an actual book in her hand.
We thought about playing a board game to pass the time, however, lack of light was a problem there. *note to self; get some bloody candles! Or just having conversation but this ended in Tom and Elsie just winding each other up consistently. We are just not used to the old ways now. Technology is here to stay and for better or for worse we have all become really quite addicted to it. We don’t know what to do without it?
My best laid plans all went arse up this week, as you know. I never made it to London, I had to cancel Flash yesterday, much to our annoyance and I won’t be meeting my friends today either. Do I sound like I have got the hump? Good, because I have.
I also may have got myself in to a little bit of trouble this week. You know what say about idle hands and my idle hands are a bloody nuisance when they are bored.
Sometimes things happen and you realise that life is short.
Things happen and things change we can not stop things from constantly evolving. We either go with them or we remain stuck.
Have you ever read the book, Who moved my cheese? It is a book about change and the way four characters perceive change and how they deal with it. I have read it before, a long time ago, as it used most commonly used in the workplace. Which is how I have come across it again. It is being shared around our workforce at present.
It is a great story but a fairly obvious one. To get the most out of anything you must put in the effort, sometimes we are resistant to change and this can be any change in our personal or work life. Sometimes we have no choice in change, things happen that we can not stop. Death is one. It is sometimes hard to move, to adapt and to go on with our lives when we are scared or fearful of what might happen.
We want to stay safe and warm in a place we know and can rely on but what happens when we can no longer rely on that place, what if it becomes unsafe, we have to make a choice. I struggle to make choices. For me, it is in my personal life that I struggle the most.
I like to think that I can adjust easily and in some ways I can. My work life is one of those areas, I like change at work. I am constantly trying to improve things and enjoy the challenges that work gives me. However, in my personal life I am a coward, I am Haw, (one of the little people from the book) I am sure that what I want is out there, I am just to scared to try to find it.
We only get one chance at this whole life thingy and regardless of what your view is on the afterlife and whether or not you come back as a cat, you really need to make the bloody most of it.
In an effort to try to embrace all things, whatever they may be I am going to sets my sights on something. I am going to let myself go and not worry about the who and the where’s and the why fores, I am going to stop over analysing (or try), this will be hard but I have to do it. I have to stop my head from taking myself in and then out of things. Just embrace and enjoy. Or die trying! Well, you know what I mean.
While I have been stuck indoors for the best part of a week, I have maintained my chats with my various acquaintances. I am no further forward with any of them. So I am wiping the slate clean. Starting over.
Gemini and I have been chatting a lot this week as he has been working from home due to the adverse weather conditions. We chat about this and that, he makes me laugh. It is uncomplicated and I like that a lot. The other evening he offered to do a reading for me. Intrigued, I agreed.
These were my cards and the reading he gave me:
You show some resistance to change you want to remain in control of any situation.
You are over doing things and can’t see in front of yourself. Focusing too much on one thing, you can’t see the wood for the trees.
There is some sort of dishonesty going on somewhere in your life.
Are you looking for some sort of guidance you know like some one to show you the way forward. You seem lost at the moment, looking for structure and order in your life .
Also do you feel you have lost something and may be a little sad, the cards are telling me that in loss there is always something good to find, if you look for it.
You seem to be all over the place in body and mind may be you are fighting with yourself but this will only be for a short while.
The lovers: This is all about temptation and your choice to take it or not. Such choices enable you to know yourself better and can also means self discovery.
You have a decision to make that has come about by your prior actions.
To me this all makes some sense, well in that vague kind of way that always comes with readings of this variety. I do feel, or did feel, like all of the above quite recently. My blogs are evident of that. I have felt a longing for something for a while now, although I have not been sure what, when I have been sure, or thought I was, I have changed my mind, again. I have been dishonest with myself about what I want my future to be like.
I am a thrill seeker, always have been. An adventurer, a lost soul, who is never quite satisfied with her lot. I am a dreamer, plotter, planner but I need to be more of a doer! I used to be a doer.
Now, I am more fearful, life experience has taught me that sometimes things don’t always work out the way you planned but you really have to try not to let that stop you from trying it again.
It is hard to lay your self open to anything when you feel such uncertainty. It is harder still to let go of what has happened and then, to hold out an open hand to what might happen next.
We all have our insecurities but it is those insecurities that hold us back, they stop us from being the adventurers we once were.
I want to be an adventurer again and so I am going to say YES. Yes, to anything that might open my mind, lead me to new pastures or just make me feel happy.
I may find that the pasture is not for me, once I have tried it but unless I try it, I will never know. 🙂
Oh and just for the record, it is snowing again!
I am going to have to take up meditation.