Sunday confessional…

So, first off. I lied. Well I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I wish I could say I feel bad about that but the truth is I don’t.

I tried. I really did.  I couldn’t do it.

I let him back in. After nearly a whole week of not talking to Mack, I crumbled.  I checked to see if he had messaged.  Why?  Er, no idea.  Ask me another.

He had been messaging.  Asking how I was and why I wasn’t talking to him?  He knows why I haven’t been talking to him. He knows he irritates me and to be frank, he bloody loves it.  He loves that I have admitted that he is my Achilles heel, that I can’t say no to him, despite wanting to harm him in some way most of the time.

He enjoys it. He gets off on the fact that I want him, he wants me too but we are going to play this crazy game together for, well who knows how long?

I can’t say I don’t like it either because in some weird and unexplainable way I actually enjoy it.  I like the way we are together, the way we tease and goad each other.  We both know we are attracted to each other but we pretend otherwise.

It has been a weird week all round to be honest.

I was heavily distracted for most of it which kept my mind well and truly off of all things Mack related.  That was until the thing that was heavily distracting me all went tits up. Then in an almost trance like state my mind wandered back to Mack, like he was always there just lurking in the darkness waiting for me, knowing that I would always come back at some point.

I recall when I started this blog that I accused men of always looking for the next thrill, the next big adventure and to some extent I still stand by that statement. The grass always looks greener anywhere, except for the bit you are standing on.  Temptation is only a click away.  However, now I think that I am the thrill seeker.

I have already admitted to this but I didn’t realise just how much I love the thrill of all this.  It has become quite addictive.

So after what had been an unusal week to say the least, on Thursday I sent Mack a little taste of what was on offer, he nearly bit my hand off.

For those of you who think that is in someway degrading or demeaning, I wholeheartedly disagree.  However, if you want to call that sin number two, then that is fine with me.

Actually, I think all my sinning started with Flash but anyway.

I have made a new profile. It is a very specific profile about what I am looking for. I have made it quite clear what I like and don’t like.  What I want in a relationship and what I don’t.

So far it has proved to be quite exciting but as I am not one to get ahead of myself I am staying on the fence, at least until I have something concrete to report.

Gemini and I had an interesting Saturday night.  We were reminiscing, always a dangerous thing to do.  I had been out for a few drinks with a friend and so add vodka to the mix (we all know that vodka is to blame for everything) and there will be trouble.

Not all of the memories we share are good ones, well for me at least.  It wasn’t a great time for me.  I was desperately unhappy and just looking for comfort.  I was stuck in a place I knew I didn’t really want to be, yet I still convinced myself that it would all work out in the end.  I was wrong but those years were tough, a constant battle with myself about what was right and what was expected.

It was our usual evening chit-chat.  We do flirt a bit I suppose as is normal in boy/girl talk but on the whole it is just chat about this, that and the other.  Well, to a certain extent. There is something underlying between us and I have a feeling that whatever that is, it will always be there.  However, I think our time has passed but I can’t be sure about that. Sometimes you can’t be sure about anything but I am not a one for generally going back.

I believe things happen or don’t happen for a reason and that once the moment has gone you have to look forward not back.

It will be me that holds back out of the two of us as he is considerably braver than I am.

Your past is a funny thing.  You can go months, years even, without thinking of someone and then all of a sudden, one day, boom they are back.  A song or something someone says reminds you of someone from way back.  Or, you just out of the blue see someone you haven’t seen for years.

Last year I went to a wedding and bumped in to my very first boyfriend ever.  It was a bit surreal.

I should have expected to bump in to him really, as the lovely girl whose wedding it was, was someone we used to babysit for back when we were a couple, probably 25 years or so ago.  Bloody hell, that makes me feel incredibly old!

We did not part well, my first love and I.

I rarely see him as he moved away some years ago but every now and then he pops up somewhere, or he finds me on social media.  He never really got over our break up, which I know sounds odd as it was such a long time ago now but it is true.  When I saw him at the wedding I knew he still felt the same even after all these years apart.

He makes me feel uncomfortable which is half the reason I wont communicate with him. There are some people who come in to and out of your life that you can still have a fairly healthy, if not friends, then acquaintances, kind of relationship and there are some who you know will never want to be just friends, he falls in to the later and so for that reason I just can’t bring myself to talk to him.

Anyway, I have wondered off the path here somewhat.  Back to Mack:

Friday we metYep.  It happened.

I have very mixed feelings about it all.  He had been bombarding me with messages all day, pushing to meet.  I started really by calling his bluff and agreeing to anything and everything, thinking in my head that he wont go through with any of it.

By 6 pm we had agreed to meet for coffee!

Still not convinced that anything would happen I carried on with my evening and messaging Mack who it seemed was very excited.  The chat was getting dirtier and so were the promises of what was to come.

At 8.30 pm he messaged to say he was in the pub car park and where the bloody hell was I?  Shit!  He actually came…………

So we had a drink and we chatted for a bit, he wasn’t as nice looking as I had painted him in my head.  Remember, it has been a while since we met and he has no pictures on his profile.  He looked different to how I remember him, he was still full of himself though and cocky to the end.  It has lessened my desire for him a tiny bit though and so maybe it was a good thing.

However, I wasn’t very good.  In fact I was very bad.

Our messages throughout the day had preempted how the evening would end.

I haven’t heard from him since and as this is part of the game we play, I don’t expect to. He will no doubt message tomorrow when he is back at work and his hands are idle for five minutes.  I may or may not message back, we will see and that is how it will go on all the time we let it.

I do though still smile when I think about it and for that very reason I will confess to being a bad girl but I can’t promise it wont happen again.

Post Note:

Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful Mum’s celebrating today.  No one handles anything quite like a Mother, you are amazing! 💗

2 thoughts on “Sunday confessional…

  1. Emz says:

    As much as I love your posts….This ‘Mack’ guy… Hmmm…. Not sure about him…
    I don’t know how you put up with it! Once I block I don’t unblock!
    I had to take a step back and take myself off the dating type sites as the people just made me feel depressed and wasn’t very nice even bullying me at some points… I’m not made of steel and after awhile it can really get to you.
    Anyway, I hope you finally find someone who ticks all your boxes 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeloveandbollocks says:

      I know what you mean. It is hard going sometimes.
      In a funny kind of way I think it did me good seeing him again, I had a built a picture of him in my head that he doesn’t live up to in reality. So maybe I can leave it alone now?
      I think at different times in your life you look for different things, who knows it may still happen yet, for both of us! 😉 xx

      Liked by 1 person

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