I have a tiny and when I say tiny I mean tiny, interest in BDSM.
I follow some blogs on the subject and I have researched it, a lot, especially of late. Over the last few months and in particular while I have been dabbling in online dating, it is something I have started to grow increasingly inquisitive about.
Now, lets not get carried away here. I am not suggesting that this is something I want to try nor am I suggesting it is something I have any idea about, in the sense of where would you start even? All I know is I like the idea of it.
However, there is kinky and there is kinky.
I don’t mean to make light of it but there probably isn’t a woman in the country who doesn’t own a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs, she purchased at a ladies only party in the 90’s and a sleeping mask that doubles as a blindfold. Every now and then the husband gleefully slaps on the handcuffs, gives her arse a firm, but fairly gentle, spanking while she wiggles about all silly and girly and it works, for both of them. It’s all good.
Maybe this is where it all starts?
For some who maybe enjoy the spanking and the tying up the need increases and you want to push further, to try a more intense version of role-play but still within the confines of your comfortable relationship. For others it may be enough to just indulge in those little extras as and when the mood takes or when you are both willing.
So when does it become more than that?
The questions that come with the exploration of this subject are plentiful and there are no easy answers. None that I have found anyway.
There are hundreds of websites, blogs, books and articles on this subject, along with the real-life stories of people who have been involved in BDSM in some way or another. It is the proverbial mine field, a mine field that has the potential to blow your head off or at least blow up in your face.
I have ventured, albeit tentatively, on to some of the websites dedicated to this subject and if I am completely honest, they scare the shit out of me.
My dammed curiosity does not stop me keep going back for another look though. So far, I have not been brave enough to communicate with anyone or indeed even post a real picture of myself and so I have gained no interest in my profile, which to be fair is vague at best and that suits me fine for now. I am simply enjoying the voyeurism.
Previously with my very normal profile on my very normal dating site I have been approached by people looking for something out of the ordinary. I have had all sorts of offers from all sorts of people. However, recently I had an offer of a D/s style relationship with a Teacher from Surrey.
He messaged to say that he was a Dominant but that it was all still quite new to him and would I be interested in exploring this avenue with him? My normal profile gives no indication that I may be interested in such a thing and so I was curious as to why he thought I might be.
We exchanged a few messages but we never really got off the ground. The trouble is that I don’t know what I am talking and about and clearly neither did he, so we were just bumbling around in the dark together, with neither one of us wanting to be too forward with the other, or at least that is what it felt like.
This sparked another endless stream of questions.
Everyone has to start somewhere but should two very inexperienced people start together?
This encounter though was the catalyst in my decision to make a new profile.
So far I have had some interesting conversations. I have also had some quite disturbing ones. There are lots of people out there all looking for something different.
I have always been very unclear about what I am looking for because to be honest I don’t know myself. I say one thing and think another, all the time. I drive myself nuts but it’s how I am.
I know that I do not want a full on relationship in the sense of, I do not want someone to move in with me, nor do I wish to move in with someone. I have children. I have managed to get this far without any help so I’m pretty sure I can continue do to so. It is not support I am looking for. I handle my own shit, in my own way, it may not be perfect to some but it is perfect for us.
I want something for myself. I have said this before, many, many times. In fact so many times that I am sure you are getting quite bored of hearing it.
What I want is to enjoy the rare times I get to be me.
I have never been very good at being good. I am a risk taker, I live for the now not for what might or might never happen. I have always been that way, I will never grow up. Fact. Yes, there are times when I have to be, lots of times in fact, that is life. However, on the few occasions that I can let go, I will. I will be free-falling through the air, winging it, taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy every bloody moment that comes my way.
My interest in a D/s relationship is still very much in its early stages and I have no idea where it will take me if anywhere.
I see this as an interest, much like a hobby I suppose. I might try it and I might not. I might like it and on the other hand I might not. It might lead to me trying something else, related or completely unrelated. Who knows?
This is what is exciting to me. It is also very scary, I admit that.
I know this is not for everyone and a lot of people will find it hard to understand or even want to try to understand. The hardest part for me still, writing this blog, is knowing that some people know who I am but I don’t want to hide. I started this as a kind of diary I suppose, life and stuff, just the general things but as things have progressed I have developed a real passion for it and I want to be able to be honest.
I just want to say how I feel. After all, that was kind of the point.
At the moment I feel like I am going round in circles and I know that is mostly because I have been trying to avoid anything to controversial or anything that might upset but you can’t please all the people all the time and I while this might not be to everyone’s taste, it is clear to me that I want to be able to talk about.
Don’t get me wrong it puzzles me and makes me question myself a lot but a curiosity is never satisfied until you find the answers. I need to know more.
Having such a strong character almost all of it seems alien to me. I have always enjoyed kinky sex and have probably taken that further than your average housewife but that doesn’t mean I will be comfortable taking it any further than I have already. I know what I am comfortable with and we all love our comfort zones.
However, having had a little taste of what it might be like I can honestly say my curiosity has only been heightened.
They do say, curiosity killed the cat but they also say, never stop exploring… 🙂