3 Day Quote Challenge, Day 3

Day 3 of the 3 Day Quote Challenge.

Thank you once again to nijntje and the bear for the nomination.

One thing I find so lovely about blogging is the support, knowledge and general comradery of other bloggers.  What once felt like a scary place is now becoming much more like home because of my fellow bloggers, nijntje in particular but many of you have commented and shared thoughts and sent good wishes and for that I love you all, just a little bit.  😉

 

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

 

Todays Quote:

 

I am a sucker for a bit of romance.  Surprised?

I rarely admit that I have always loved a fairytale.  I believe in the happy ever after.  I still believe that one day someone will choose me.  We will choose each other and I will find my perfect fit.

He of course will not be perfect but just perfect for me and I will love him, wholeheartedly. 

I feel a twinge of sadness sometimes that I have never felt or come close to feeling the way I often took for granted that I would one day.  I expected my Prince Charming to come riding along on his steed and I can never give up hope of this happening, no matter that the odds are getting smaller.

It is not that I can not live without it but more that I don’t want to have lived and never felt it.

 

Nominations:

Anyone who wants to join in.  Be inspirational, funny, empowering, or a little bit giddy just be whatever you want to be….

Grey sea…

If you looked at Cheung your first thought would probably be a misjudgment. If I’m honest I think that is intentional on his part. Is it confusing? Yes. Without a doubt.

I don’t know if any of you realised but I was anxious about meeting Cheung. I needn’t have been. Was he how I imagined him to be? No, not entirely but people never usually are. I’m learning that as I go.

I am struggling in my mind to portray him on paper.

Once again there was silence in between our conversation on Wednesday about meeting Friday and the actual day itself. I was left assuming that we would just meet as agreed unless I heard otherwise and seeing as I had heard nothing, I was going.

I went to work in the morning. Whether that was the best place for me is still up for discussion, my mind wasn’t exactly on the job but I would have been even worse at home.

At 12.30 pm on the day, he messaged:

Hey.. Still on for today?
0**** 78*****
Call me 🙂

Call me? When? Now? Oh God, do I have to? Looking immediately to the buddies, who both just looked at me with a ‘well.. go and call him’ look.

I called him. He sounded nothing like I expected. A deeper, richer but slightly gruff voice that instantly had me at ease. My misconception that he was going to be all upstairs/downstairs flew straight out the window.

He confirmed that he was about to leave and should be at the restaurant at the agreed time and providing all was ok with me, he would see me then. All was very ok with me and despite my normal first date anxiousness, I was very much looking forward to it.

He called me again shortly after our first phone call just to let me know that now he had my number he would be prank calling me every five minutes. Actually he wasn’t sure he was heading to the right place and after confirming the postcode he said goodbye, again.

I arrived before him, the car park is quite big at this particular pub and so I wasn’t sure of that at first. It was another very warm day and there was no way I could linger in my car, unless I wanted to look like a sweaty tomato when I got out, so I loitered by my car for a few minutes trying to decide whether I should call him or not.

Just as I was about to call he arrived, not quite on two wheels but almost. I knew it was him straight away. It was the hair that did it. The unmistakable sight of a bun.

It seemed to take him ages to remove himself from his vehicle but eventually there he was. Tall, almost bordering on lanky and slim, almost bordering on skinny, he had the widest smile I have ever seen, the kind of smile that is contagious.

I am going to have trouble describing Cheung, in fact I have been having trouble with it.

For two days now I have been trying to describe him in my own head and I can’t. He is a complete contradiction. He looks one thing and is clearly something very different. He is very serious but laughs like he might explode at any moment. He has a love of poetry but tells the rudest jokes I have ever heard and I think his shoes were more expensive than his car.

I liked him. Even though I felt slightly off kilter the whole time.

He was every inch the gentleman, even though he ate like hadn’t eaten for months, where he put it I have no idea. We had wine and talked and laughed, well he talked, I laughed. He talks a lot and I mean a lot. I barely got a word in and I can talk for England.

After lunch we sat outside in the courtyard, it was lovely and sunny. The pub garden overlooks the beautiful countryside of Kent, there are Oast Houses in the distance and the view is amazing, the sky was mid blue and completely cloudless, we sat just looking out over the fields and talked.

We talk about families, our jobs, our lives. He tells me his hair is long because he just hasn’t got around to going to the Barbers, simple as that. He is not fussed about following trends nor does he care to be thought off for anything other than what he does and how he behaves. The more I learn about him the more I decide he is an overachiever, although he disagrees with that. Then as he disagrees with me, the waitress takes our glasses, she is Polish and in less than a minute I am listening to the two of them speaking together in her native tongue.

He is clearly not fluent and she corrects him and laughs with him as they talk but the delight on her face is clearly evident, she is overjoyed with the fact that he is even able to try and quite frankly so am I.

If he was trying to impress me, it worked.

I could have sat there all night.

When he told me I was much more beautiful in the flesh and that he would like to see me again, I was done.

We chatted some more and then because we couldn’t have anymore wine and water just has you trotting off to the toilet every five minutes, we agreed to call it a night, until next time.

I did it. It was over with.

We walked out to our cars and said goodbye, as I drove away I couldn’t help but think that he was nothing like I expected yet in a funny way he was everything I expected him to be.

A grey sea. Vast, deep and relatively smooth on the surface but never to be underestimated.

I still can’t really find the words…

3 Day Quote Challenge, Day 2

 

Day 2 of my 3 Day Quote Challenge.

Thank you nijntje and the bear for the nomination.

These challenges are a great way of exploring and finding other blogs to read and enjoy, if you haven’t already found nijntje’s blog, it is really worth the time exploring.  🙂

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Todays Quote:

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“Don’t be afraid”

 

We are all scared sometimes, we are human.  We are not invincible and sometimes we will fail but to fail we have to try, if we have tried, then in some small way we have already succeeded.

It takes courage to push past the easy and the comfortable and take a step in to the unknown, to lay yourself open to failure, criticism or pain but without experiencing these things we will never know what it feels like to achieve the true highs of life.

If there is one thing I would like my children to have it is courage.  Be bold, take life and run with it, see things, do things, try, try and try again.  Love, laugh and cry and don’t be afraid of any of it.

If you fall I will catch you.

Nominations:

Most blogs I follow are participating in this challenge already, I need to broaden my horizons… 😉

Happy Sunday everyone!

3 Day Quote Challenge! Day 1

I have been nominated to take part in the 3 day quote challenge.

Thank you nijntje and the bear for the nomination.

                                                                     🌻🌻🌻🌻

It has been a real joy to explore your blog and I am still enjoying reading through your early posts.

Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
  • Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Todays Quote:

images

 

I love this quote because it is so simple. 

I had every intention of starting this challenge tomorrow but I am sitting in the garden, with Tom and Elsie waiting for some friends to arrive.  It is another beautiful day.

Elsie is colouring, Tom is kicking a ball about.  They are in charge of the tunes, it is a mixed bag as they both have very different taste, we have snacks and we are telling stories and laughing at and with each other and it suddenly occurred to me how lovely it all is, at this exact moment in time.

One day there will be no more of these moments, they will be grown and off doing their own thing and although there will be other moments, there will never be this moment.

I am all for the simple things in life.  It really is the small things that make the biggest difference.  Those random things that make you laugh till your sides hurt.  That tiny gesture which makes you swell inside.

Life is busy and sometimes stressful, we can be guilty of not making time for ourselves and for others, so take those moments as often as you can because all to soon those moments will become memories.

 

Nominations:

 

 

Daydreaming…

Ok, so its been a bit of a day.

Two things frightened me today.  The first thing was my bloody face and the other, which was actually scarier than my face was the thought that I had upset one of the buddies.

Let’s start with my face.

What I think I am going to see in the mirror is not what I actually see.  This disturbs me.

I am getting old, fact. I am not worried by this generally.  I quite like being the age I am now, I’d like not to get any older but that isn’t going to happen, well not unless I die so if  that’s the only alternative I think I’ll take old age, thanks all the same.

However, my face actually scared me a little today.  Some mirrors are definitely not for the faint hearted and the one in the toilets at work ages you by ten years at least.

It suddenly hit me today while examining my lined and fairly spotty face (I can only assume this is hormone related), that in real life I look what I am.  A 46-year-old woman and one who seems to be going through puberty again!

This is troubling me because I am meeting Cheung on Friday. Yes, it’s true. We have confirmed a date. #giddy

I’ll tell you what put me in to a tailspin the likes of which I haven’t had for ages and it was a message from the man himself.

He asked me to choose a time and place to meet, which I did and then messaged him with details, 2 pm along with the link to a nice little country pub I had chosen for lunch. Later he replied to say, that it looked lovely and that he was very much looking forward to it as the weather was going to be beautiful…just like you. *smileyface

Just like me!

Instantly this made me re-check the photo I had sent him. It’s a nice, well nice.. ish, photo but the most important thing about this bloody photo is that it was taken in good light.

Now I understand what photographers mean when they say that almost anything can look good with great lighting because now I have concrete evidence that good light makes a huge difference.

When I look at the photo even I think I look young, so that must mean it doesn’t look a bit like me!  Why?  Because the person staring back at me from the harshly lit mirror in the toilet today looked every bit her 46 years and more. Every line, wrinkle and blemish stood up loud and proud and very clearly visible.

I am being completely irrational about all of this, I am well aware of that.  I also know that by being completely irrational and expecting to much of him and of myself it will lead to disappointment.  I am trying to be rational but I am failing miserably.  I keep trying to talk myself out of it, at the moment I am in love with the idea of it all, in my head is where it will remain lovely, and idyllic, I am quite happy to leave it there.  Safely tucked away in the corner of my mind.

If I meet him on Friday it all becomes a reality and I don’t want it to be real, not now.  At this precise moment in time there is hope but what will have happened to hope by Friday evening?

I suppose we will have to wait and see.

I feel like I have lots to share at the moment but never seem to find the time to share it.

As I write I am sitting in a field not far from where we live as the football training venue has changed now Summer is here, well for the moment it is here.  How long it will last is anyones guess but training is now outside on home turf, it is closer to home by about 15 minutes or so and that works for me.  It is still not quite close enough to go home and come back again though, so here I am in a field, half day dreaming and half writing.

It is a beautiful evening, still warm and very peaceful, a train goes by every now then but otherwise it is very relaxing indeed.  Every so often my mind drifts to Friday and I have to pull it back again before I start trying to think of an excuse not to go.

Argh.  I need to stop thinking about it!

It will take me a long time to explain what happened at work today, well not so much what happened but why it happened.

Mostly it was born out of sheer frustration, frustration about our workloads, well not mine in particular but the buddies workloads.  The demands from the Doctors and the patients are becoming increasingly difficult to manage.  The doctors, short on time themselves are pushing more work back on to us, understandably so but with the demands of the patients as well, the expectations that people have in general these days on service providers, even ours is out of control.

Today was just one of those days where the workload was increasing at a rate of knots but actioning and completing anything was seemingly impossible.  Unable to get hold of anyone in the hospitals, no responses to emails, lack of answers, headway, anything really.  It is hard going.  Patients chasing us, us chasing the hospitals and neither one of us getting anywhere fast.

By lunchtime, which was later than normal today as there was so much to do, the buddies were frazzled.  Now, I feel at this point I should say that we get on extremely well us three, we are very like-minded, however, this does not mean we always agree.  In relationships of any kind it is not compulsory for you to always agree.

Despite my being quite opinionated and a bit of a loud mouth I really do detest confrontation.  I dislike bad feeling and certainly do not ever intend to offend people intentionally.  Well for the most part.  I mean some people do just rub you up the wrong way but not my buddies.  I could never fall out with either of them, it would kill me.

I had to keep checking all afternoon that we were actually ok and we are, of course we are.  I would never have let it end any other way.  I made the mistake and I made sure it was rectified.

There was no way I could have left it unsettled.

If I had to go and check a million times that everything was ok between us I would have done.

It’s been a long day and this has taken far longer than expected, I wanted to tell you some other things tonight but I have run out of time and energy now.  I have also made myself promise to get to bed at a reasonable time in an effort to appear more fresh as a daisy on Friday.   I need all the help I can get.

Is it wrong to wish it over with already?

Hello sunshine…

It has been a beautiful weekend.  It feels at last like Summer is on the way and I for one can not wait.

I love the Summer, long days, sunshine and blue skies, being able to hang your washing out makes the house look less like a chinese laundry and more like a home.  It is one of the tiny pleasures of Summer.  For me though the greatest pleasure is coming home from work and being able to sit in the garden, to relax and unwind in the sunshine.  We often eat outside in the Summer and in the Summer holidays the rule book goes out the window, we laze and graze and play and have late nights and even later mornings (when I’m not working), we completely chill out.

This weekend has been a little taster of that, it was sunny and fairly warm and it just makes you feel better.  It lifts your spirits and gets you motivated.

Elsie I were on a mission to get things done.  Tom had disappeared off with his mates and we cracked on with getting rid of Winter and embracing Summer.  Changing the beds, hibernating the extra Winter layers, packing all the boots and coats up and moving the unused wood and fire supplies back outside until Autumn arrives again.  The windows were open and the music was blasting.

This morning even football was much more pleasant than usual because it was such a lovely morning.  It was an early start 7:30 am which on a Sunday really does need some motivation but it is so much easier when the sun is out.   Dare I say I even enjoyed it, basking in the lovely sunshine and not worrying about getting wet, cold and feeling more miserable than the weather and we won, hooray!

This week has been a mixture of work and play.

We went bowling on one of our play days.  We all love bowling, it is one of our favourite things to do, we are all quite competitive.  At the moment us three, that is Tom, Elsie and I are all getting along famously,  we have reached a point where we enjoy each others company.  They are both developing good humours and we all three of us love a bit of banter, it was great fun and we had a blast.  They are getting far to good at it now though and I do not like losing!

However a day (actually not even a day, just a few hours) out like this is not cheap, Bowling and lunch at a famous Italian American restaurant, along with a side trip to the supermarket on the way home for late night movie snacks and you can safely say goodbye to one hundred pounds.

The holidays are definitely becoming more expensive, especially with them having trips out with their friends to.

Tom has been wining and dining his new love in the holidays, she is in the year above him at school, so Elsie tells me.  He can’t have dated all the year 7 girls already surely?  Why can’t he stick to throwing himself off a half-pipe?  It’s so much safer than dating.  Besides, I can’t afford for us both to have a love life.

Talking of love lives, or lack thereof…

My last lengthy chat with Cheung was on Wednesday, he seemed particularly chatty and much more relaxed than on previous occasions, the night before we had agreed that we would postpone our meet until the following week.

On Wednesday he admitted to having a couple of glasses of wine and it definitely loosened his tongue.  He was telling me about his family, his sisters and the fact that he had mentioned to one of them that he was intending to meet someone.  He also mentioned that it had occurred to him again that he still didn’t have any idea what I looked or even what my name was.   He wasn’t sure he liked being on the back foot.

In the early days of our messaging I asked him if he wanted to see a picture of me but he declined saying that he liked the enigma of it all, he was happy for me to remain a mystery for now, I have never offered since.  However, I now felt I should offer again.

It is unusual for people not to request a picture. In fact most request one before they will even engage in messaging. Most assume that if you do not have a profile picture it is because you are married or you have something to hide. Most people do not take any time to read a profile, they see a picture and they decide, but if you do not have a picture or you have a quote instead or an image taken from the internet, then it is almost certainly a trap.

The most common message of all goes a little something like this:

Send me a photo. I know what you are looking for and I can give it to you. Don’t keep me waiting.

The last part is just so I know that they are quite clearly in charge, of course.

So while Cheung was three sheets to the wind I took opportunity to send him a picture, well you know what they say about beer goggles.  It had to work in my favour surely?  It was a right here right now picture, as I was at that exact moment in time, sitting on the sofa in a black jumper with my all day hair and make-up still just about intact.

While I waited for the reply to come it dawned on me that I should just add a picture to my profile, it has got to be easier than going through this rigmarole every time.  The wait for any kind of response is agonising, especially if you are hoping for a good one.  Often I try to send pictures quite quickly, not bothered either way as to the response because if you haven’t really engaged or you are not entirely convinced it will go anywhere it doesn’t matter but with Cheung it is different, for obvious reasons.

He liked it.  Or at least he said he did and I am happy with that.  Beer goggles or not!

It was late so I thanked him and logged off. The next morning I had a message to say that he was still very much looking forward to meeting me and he hoped I had a very enjoyable day.  I returned with the same sentiment and spent the day sitting on a little cloud in the sky.

Also on Wednesday, much earlier in the day I had a date.

Cameron is someone I had briefly chatted with a few weeks ago.  It was so brief I never mentioned it at all, to anyone but although our conversation was brief he hinted that he would like to meet.  He was a man of few words but lots of  *winkyface’s.

He gave the impression that he was looking for a similar relationship to me, I was not convinced.  However, we messaged on and off for about a week before agreeing to meet. He cancelled the first arrangement, then I cancelled the next one.  Then I forgot all about him, until he messaged Tuesday suggesting we meet the following day.  I agreed.

It was a pleasant hour or so spent in the local pub having a Tonic Water or two (driving again), he was nice.  People moan about the use of the word nice but it is a very adequate word, nice is good, it is certainly better than nasty and he was just that, nice.  He was quite forward but in a nice way, pleasant and certainly not rude.  He was funny and good company and there was a certain amount of chemistry.  I wouldn’t say I was hit by a lightening bolt but there was enough static to cause a bit of friction.

We talked about our interests and it seemed like we were on the same page.  We both said what we liked and how we would like the relationship to unfold, if and when.  We agreed that we were both ideally looking for a committed relationship in that we would see only each other and that we would have arranged time together to explore our interests it was decided that we would meet again, for a longer period, possibly an evening where we could relax a bit and get to know each other.  We swapped numbers and parted company.

Since then, I’m back in the not convinced camp as there seems to be a huge elephant in the room.

He has messaged but they are frivolous messages and they always come attached to a horny devil emoji.  He wants to meet but it seems he just wants to meet behind the bike sheds or behind anything really where he might get lucky.  I have tried mentioning that this what not really what we talked about but so far it has fallen on deaf ears.  His last message asked if he could meet me in my lunch break on Friday.

In my lunch break, where? In the car park?  NO! Go away, you are irritating me already.

I only have 30 minutes for lunch and quite frankly I would rather spend it with my buddies, thanks all the same.

 

Kiss of death…

You see the trouble with saying things out loud is that once it’s out, there is no getting it back.

Usually that means it is exactly what you want to do.

Since starting this blog I have mentioned many people, mostly guys who I have been chatting to and those I have dated, well first dated, at least.  I still haven’t got around to second dating anyone, for various reasons.

I get excited at the prospect of a new date or proposition and sometimes I find it difficult to hide that excitement.  I get ahead of myself in a way that you feel like you might not necessarily have found the one but maybe the one right now.  However, it usually turns out to be quite the opposite.

Once you have put pen to paper and laid all your thoughts out there for all to see, it is slightly embarrassing when you then have to say only a few days later, actually I didn’t hear from him again after that.  The mere mention of his name out loud, so to speak and he was gone, in a puff of smoke and that is before you have even got as far meeting.  Just the chat has put him off, or so it seems.

Once the initial contact has been made you message, not constantly but consistently over a period of days and it quickly becomes an investment, of sorts.  Your time and your best efforts are put in to maintaining and remaining interested and interesting.  So it is disheartening when you feel like you are making progress, for want of a better phrase, then all of a sudden, nothing.

Yesterday I thought that I had given Cheung the kiss of death.

I last heard from Cheung on Thursday when we were discussing the possibility of meeting this week, in fact it was originally going to be this evening.

In what was to be his last message, he said that he would be out-of-town for 8 weeks and whilst he would not be far away, it would be a little over an hours journey each way for us to meet and as he was not leaving until Monday, he felt Tuesday might be too early, so maybe Thursday would be better?

I replied dutifully to his message and said that Thursday was a possibility and he should let me know once he had settled in so we could make arrangements.

Then nothing.

Chatting to the buddies yesterday I joked about the blog being the kiss of death and that as soon as someone gets a mere mention on here they disappear, without warning, never to be heard from again.  It’s like admitting that you like someone and you want it to be real and then you find out that they were never really interested in the first place but the very worst thing is not the fact that they were not interested.  That bit is fine.

No. The worst bit is the fact that you now have to announce the fact that they were not interested.  After telling everyone and anyone who will listen that you are a little bit bowled over, and slightly charmed and yadder, yadder, yadder you now have to admit that it was all pie in the sky, again.

However, I am delighted to announce that Cheung messaged this afternoon.  Clearly settled in to his 8 week secondment to the backwaters of Kent he has asked if we could meet the next week.  Yes, next week.  It’s only Tuesday.  Can I wait?  If I want to see him I suppose I will have to.

It dawned on me then, that I probably shouldn’t have been expecting to hear from him.  This is not a love story.  I am not entirely sure what this is yet but it will not be entirely conventional, in that I shouldn’t expect messages unless he has something to say, maybe? Endless chit-chat is not really what either of us were aiming for.

He has made reference to the fact that he will be making the effort to drive the distance required to see me and back again, for which I expect I am to be truly grateful and I kind of am, in a most peculiar way.  This makes me unsure though of whether I should offer to move the goal post slightly, should I perhaps meet him somewhere else, would it be presumptuous of me to offer to go to him, wherever that might be?  Or should I just say thank you and stop bloody procrastinating.

I very much want to meet Cheung.   Therefore, I will do whatever will make this easy.

I am intrigued by Cheung and if nothing else, or whatever else, I just would like to meet him.

If it is nothing else, then it is still good to meet new people, have new experiences and enjoy the company of others.  Whatever will be, will be.  We can’t force ourselves to like people and can’t force people to like us but we have to continue meeting people all the same.  Part of what makes us change and evolve are our encounters with others.  People come and go in our lives all the time but all of them leave a mark, good, bad or indifferent.  If you are lucky you learn something new about yourself, if you are luckier still you just learn something new, full stop.

I have high expectations of Cheung and this will inevitably set me up for a fall.  I know this but although I have high expectations of him, it is of him as a person, not for what might happen between us.  I genuinely believe he will be one of a kind.

… and if an accolade like that doesn’t give him the kiss of death, then nothing will.

 

 

 

 

One lovely blog award…

Thank you so much to thebarefootsub for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award.

Not in a million years did I ever…

The rules: 

  •  Thank the person who nominated you.
  •  Share 7 things about yourself.
  •  Nominate 7 other bloggers and inform them.

 

Here are 7 things about me:

  • I am not one for sharing.  Until very recently I would never have been so open to anyone, even close friends, about what is happening in my life.  I have always thought that you should not air your dirty laundry, so to speak.
  • I dance and sing all the time, not very well and often alone in the kitchen, when no one is looking.  I love music of any kind.
  • I am always late.  I try very hard not to be but obviously not hard enough.
  • As a kid I was a bit of a nerd, I read a lot but not stories.  Q&A books and anything travel related, I like facts and trivia and would love to be brave enough to go on The Chase.
  • I want to be an Air Stewardess, always have.  It is still on my bucket list.
  • I love life.  I generally expect too much from it but I never give up hope that it will still surprise.
  • Technology still has the upper hand over me.  It has taken me hours to just work out how to nominate someone else… you know, so you can actually click on their link.  Thank God for Google!

 

I still haven’t properly delved in to the world of blogs.  There are so many, on so many different subjects but these are some of my favourites so far.

My 7 Nominations are:

 

Let’s talk…

I feel like I have nothing to say.

This is entirely untrue.  I have lots to say. I never suffer from not having anything to say, verbal diarrhoea I think they call it.

I can talk shit for hours.

This week in particular I feel like I have talked more shit than usual.  Slow and painful springs to mind and not in a good way.

Some of the conversations I have had this week have been frustrating, to say the least. On the flip side of that some have been quite interesting, even helpful.  The others have left me feeling dazed and more than a little confused.

My most frustrating conversation was with Capeofgood (his name not mine), who felt the need to message;

Just because you do not have a degree and may not be very intelligent you should still want to be an equal in a relationship, surely? Unless you are just a dumb blonde looking for a Sugar Daddy?

I wanted to punch him in the face but seeing as that wasn’t an option I replied instead, with this;

I may not have a degree but I still own my own mind and while I do, I will make my own decisions, based solely on what I believe and not on what others perceive.  It seems that even people with a degree can be ignorant.

He fired back. Of course he did, I wouldn’t have expected anything else.  You dare to call me ignorant?  I am highly educated I’ll have you know.

I declined to respond.  It seemed futile to point out that it is indeed exactly what I am looking for.  Education is wasted on some people.

He fired back a few more times before he eventually gave up.

What was he trying to achieve? No idea. Did he achieve it? Probably, to some extent as he made me question myself, yet again!

In another conversation which started out quite well, seemingly we were on the same page, the chat was quite easy and comfortable, so in a natural progression we decided to exchange pictures, after which he simply messaged to say;  No, thank you.

That smarts!  I don’t care who you are or what you look like, a reaction like that to your photo is going to sting somewhat.

Does bloody wonders for your confidence this online dating lark!

I know it is normal.  It is normal, not to be everyone’s cup of tea.  I am the first to often take looks in to account when making a decision about someone, so I am in no position to complain.  It still smarts though.

My favourite conversation this week has been with Cheung (don’t ask), Cheung makes me feel inadequate.  Actually that is an outright lie.  I make myself feel inadequate, I don’t need any help there.  Cheung is, in my mind, the stuff dreams are made of, now when you start talking about the stuff that dreams are made of you are in dangerous territory.

Our conversation switches from light and playful to dark and challenging in an instant. He is almost mocking and has a way about him that leaves me thinking I am way out of his league.  He does not insinuate this in any way however, this is just how I feel.  I feel like he is a cut above, too good for me.  Too worldly, almost.  It is a horrible feeling in the nicest way.  Does that even make sense?

I am intrigued by him.  He makes me smile at the same time as he makes me slightly terrified.

Do not be fooled in to thinking he scares me.  He doesn’t.  The feelings I have are the feelings I feel, my own insecurities.  Insecurities that come from being a very average.

I often describe myself as average because that is how I see myself.  I do not think there is an awful lot wrong with being average to be honest and let’s face it, things could be worse.

However, I am a single mum, fact.  I come from a fairly working class background and when I say working class, I mean hard-working class.  I do not really have airs and graces.  I am what I am and I mostly feel comfortable with that, until I am confronted by someone who is quite obviously an overachiever.  This just puts me at odds with myself and I struggle with the whole upstairs/downstairs thing.

Cheung and I are an upstairs/downstairs thing.

I may be jumping to conclusions here as I know nothing about him really and he knows nothing about me but I can just feel it.  Our conversation has been very neutral, talk about where we live, the things we enjoy, he quotes poetry and I pretend I know what he is talking about.  I think he knows I don’t have a bloody clue but he is always gentlemanly in his reply.  He never gives any clues as to whether there is a right or wrong answer.  I feel like there probably is.

I have already had to apologise once in our conversation for assuming that his intentions were anything but honourable.  I was joking but that doesn’t always come across in a message and judging by his response it clearly hadn’t.  He made light work of making me feel very sorry indeed.

I didn’t want to offend him.  It was certainly not my intention.  I like him already.  He seems perfect, no such thing I know but I don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize the chance of us meeting.

The chances are we might not want to see each other again or one of us might not but if there is a slim chance this could be anything, something, I am taking it.

After much to ing and fro ing I decided to just take the initiative.  I asked him if he wanted to meet:

Enough of all this to ing and fro ing.. Do you think you would like to meet?  Are you interested at all?  Who is the submissive here? ;P

To which he replied:

Ha ha.  Of course!  I would love to meet!

That was the end of me taking control, it was short-lived experience. Well, until today.

After more talk about proverbial cups of tea and references to Alice in Wonderland and the fact that we could take tea anywhere.  Would I like to go to Europe for tea or stay in the UK?  For real?  Come on, be normal.  No, don’t be normal, please be anything but normal.

Yes, I’d love to.  However, the fact that I don’t even have a valid passport anymore might make it slightly difficult.  We live in different worlds.  Do we?  Is this just a game?

If it is, I am throwing for a six…

… and now I am back in charge, for a very short time.

You choose, I want you to be able to slip your Nikes on and dash, the moment you feel like a bolt.  THIS call is yours, make the most of it.  IF there are more calls to be made, they will be made for you!  *smiley face

Smiley face, indeed!  His sarcastic reference to my earlier assumption did not go un-noticed.

Now though, I am flummoxed.  I don’t know what to say, my mind is in over analyse mode and it is not coming out.  I hate making decisions.  I don’t want to be the one to decide.  What if I get it wrong?  Can I get it wrong?  Help me, someone, anyone?

I have been thinking about it all afternoon.  I am driving myself fucking nuts.

I need to give this shit up and get a bloody hobby.

If and when I ever get around to replying to Cheung, you will be the first to know.

In my fantasy he just knocks on the door you see, we don’t have to go through the rigmarole of actually talking, pretending we are clever and witty and all the arrangements and the back and forth, he just knocks on the door.  Simple.

Talking of fantasies… I have a new neighbour. He is young ish, mid thirties maybe, seemingly single and very good-looking. He has moved in opposite me, I see him often, coming and going and every weekend he washes his car. I have watched him every weekend for the last few weeks.

I have turned this little scene in to a fantasy.

Fantasies are one of life’s simplest pleasures.  You don’t have to do anything with them except, let them go…

If only everything else was so easy.

Food glorious food…

Here we are then, the Easter holidays.

The forecast for the Easter holidays is rain and plenty of it.  That will make a nice change wont it.

Tom and Elsie are 11 (very nearly 12) and 14 respectively, Easter is almost as exciting to them as Christmas.  Hard to believe, I know.  Not only do they get two weeks off school but they usually end up with enough chocolate to last them until Christmas.  This excites them greatly, particularly Elsie who is a chocolate fiend.

Tom and I prefer a bag of crisps but that’s a whole other story, not that he would turn down an Egg but he will have them a very long time.  This usually means that Elsie gets to help him out once she has scoffed all hers.

A few years ago Tom asked me if he could write to Santa to see if it was possible to swap the chocolate Santa he got in his stocking every year for a tube of cheese and onion Pringles.  The letter must have got there as he gets one every year now.

Easter it seems is all about food.  I am not a foodie,  I don’t get excited about food.  I eat but I can’t cook, not properly anyway.  I make a mean Sunday Roast but otherwise I prefer to eat out on any occasion that requires more effort than taking something from the freezer and placing it in the oven.

I always fancied marrying a chef.  Not that I ever fancied getting married but if I did, I have chosen professions that appeal to me, a chef is one of them.  To me it seems like the perfect arrangement.  I will do everything and anything else as long as I do not have to cook.  Although as a fussy eater I can’t imagine a chef would have much fun with me.  Not in the kitchen anyway.

I am also far from healthy.  I eat of course I do but not much and not very healthily.  I drink too much Vodka and coffee, thankfully and for my livers sake, more of the latter but I am a fussy eater.  I don’t really eat meat but don’t make up for that in way.  I eat a fair bit of fruit and veg but probably not enough.  I snack.  I am a picker.  A grazer.

As a result I can put on weight easily.  I do not exercise.  I sit down at work, well most of the time, when I’m not chasing myself around the building but in general it is a sit down job.

I have lost weight recently though.  Well, I say recently it has taken a year but in that year I have lost around 20 lbs, I think.  My weight loss has started to become significant as people are beginning to comment on it.

For the most part people are very complimentary and say how nice I look, which of course is lovely to hear.  I am what I think of as a clothes horse.  I look good in clothes.  I know my own style and I know what suits me.  I wear it well, as they say.

However, remove my clothes and my confidence is removed with them.

I am body conscious.  I am a woman, it is in the DNA.

Therefore, I will never be truly happy with my body.  I am more comfortable in my own skin now and some of that comes with age and an ‘if you don’t like it you know what you can do’ attitude.  This does not mean that I am not scared of getting naked, especially in public.

 

I became more conscious of my weight and body shape when I started dating, for obvious reasons.  The thought of getting naked in front of someone almost made me think that being single was the way forward, forever.  I mean who wants to have sex anyway.  It’s so overrated!

Whaaat…!  You want to do it with the light on?  Are you kidding me?  You want me to do what?   No, I won’t look good in that position.

We all worry about what we look like naked.  I know that I have a very flat arse and my thighs meet in the middle, that I have three chins when I lie down, well it was three at the last count, it could be more now.  I have a bit of a tummy, it wobbles.  I have a nice face but it has crows feet and laughter lines and they are only going to get deeper.

On the whole I do not worry about this.  I feel good and I have an outer confidence that sometimes belies my little insecurities.   I have always enjoyed sex and have never let my body image get in the way of that.

However, taking your clothes of in front of someone for the first time can be a daunting experience.

What challenges me now is the type of relationship that I am looking for.  In the role that I want to play I can not be body conscious but try telling my head that.

Getting naked is normal.  In a relationship of any kind you will of course get up close and personal, you will be naked together and hopefully the more time you spend together the more comfortable you become.  You have to get to this point first though and that is the hard bit.

In the throes of passion, for example; when you are both giddy with lust and ripping each others clothes off, there is no real thought about wobbly bits, it is a spur of the moment heated, passionate exchange.  Therefore, it is probably only afterwards when you are basking in the after glow that you might pull the bed sheet over your tummy or reach to cover yourself up.

However, being asked to take your clothes off in front of someone while they watch from a chair in the corner of the room, fully clothed is a completely different experience all together.  Especially if this will be the first time they have seen you naked.

When you do something like this a million thoughts are buzzing around your head all at once but you can’t put any one of them in to anything coherent. It’s a thrill, a rush but it is also ridiculously embarrassing, you feel completely exposed.  Almost like your body is see through, everything, even your mind is being read.

Add to that the up close and personal examination, the touching and scrutinising all while your partner is still fully clothed is somewhat invasive.  It is not though unpleasant.  In fact it is the opposite.

In my head I am both berating myself for eating the extra hot cross bun, and the left over chocolate cake.  Eating all those little mini eggs that are so small they can hardly count as calories surely?   While at the same time revelling in this complete adoration of my body, wobbly bits and all.

My body is 46 years old and it looks it.  My skin is not as firm as it once was and I have to accept this.  I eat too much rubbish to ever be stick thin and I have to accept that to or change it and I know that isn’t going to happen.  I have had two children, who I wouldn’t be without but they have left their mark.

Do you know the story of The Giant Radish, that reminds me of what it was like trying to give birth to Tom.  I will leave that thought there.

I very much enjoy the human body and whilst it comes in all shapes and sizes and let’s not forget that we all have our little preferences, it would be boring if we were all the same, the human body is a glorious thing, in more ways than one.

We are what we are and we have to love ourselves for it, otherwise how can we expect others to love us.  We are more than a body.  What people see on the outside is nothing to compared to what we have on the inside.

I am no expert in these matters but I do believe that if you radiate a belief in yourself, others will share it.  If you believe you are beautiful then others will see you as beautiful.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, from inside and out and we all have it, in spades.