Here we are then, the Easter holidays.
The forecast for the Easter holidays is rain and plenty of it. That will make a nice change wont it.
Tom and Elsie are 11 (very nearly 12) and 14 respectively, Easter is almost as exciting to them as Christmas. Hard to believe, I know. Not only do they get two weeks off school but they usually end up with enough chocolate to last them until Christmas. This excites them greatly, particularly Elsie who is a chocolate fiend.
Tom and I prefer a bag of crisps but that’s a whole other story, not that he would turn down an Egg but he will have them a very long time. This usually means that Elsie gets to help him out once she has scoffed all hers.
A few years ago Tom asked me if he could write to Santa to see if it was possible to swap the chocolate Santa he got in his stocking every year for a tube of cheese and onion Pringles. The letter must have got there as he gets one every year now.
Easter it seems is all about food. I am not a foodie, I don’t get excited about food. I eat but I can’t cook, not properly anyway. I make a mean Sunday Roast but otherwise I prefer to eat out on any occasion that requires more effort than taking something from the freezer and placing it in the oven.
I always fancied marrying a chef. Not that I ever fancied getting married but if I did, I have chosen professions that appeal to me, a chef is one of them. To me it seems like the perfect arrangement. I will do everything and anything else as long as I do not have to cook. Although as a fussy eater I can’t imagine a chef would have much fun with me. Not in the kitchen anyway.
I am also far from healthy. I eat of course I do but not much and not very healthily. I drink too much Vodka and coffee, thankfully and for my livers sake, more of the latter but I am a fussy eater. I don’t really eat meat but don’t make up for that in way. I eat a fair bit of fruit and veg but probably not enough. I snack. I am a picker. A grazer.
As a result I can put on weight easily. I do not exercise. I sit down at work, well most of the time, when I’m not chasing myself around the building but in general it is a sit down job.
I have lost weight recently though. Well, I say recently it has taken a year but in that year I have lost around 20 lbs, I think. My weight loss has started to become significant as people are beginning to comment on it.
For the most part people are very complimentary and say how nice I look, which of course is lovely to hear. I am what I think of as a clothes horse. I look good in clothes. I know my own style and I know what suits me. I wear it well, as they say.
However, remove my clothes and my confidence is removed with them.
I am body conscious. I am a woman, it is in the DNA.
Therefore, I will never be truly happy with my body. I am more comfortable in my own skin now and some of that comes with age and an ‘if you don’t like it you know what you can do’ attitude. This does not mean that I am not scared of getting naked, especially in public.
I became more conscious of my weight and body shape when I started dating, for obvious reasons. The thought of getting naked in front of someone almost made me think that being single was the way forward, forever. I mean who wants to have sex anyway. It’s so overrated!
Whaaat…! You want to do it with the light on? Are you kidding me? You want me to do what? No, I won’t look good in that position.
We all worry about what we look like naked. I know that I have a very flat arse and my thighs meet in the middle, that I have three chins when I lie down, well it was three at the last count, it could be more now. I have a bit of a tummy, it wobbles. I have a nice face but it has crows feet and laughter lines and they are only going to get deeper.
On the whole I do not worry about this. I feel good and I have an outer confidence that sometimes belies my little insecurities. I have always enjoyed sex and have never let my body image get in the way of that.
However, taking your clothes of in front of someone for the first time can be a daunting experience.
What challenges me now is the type of relationship that I am looking for. In the role that I want to play I can not be body conscious but try telling my head that.
Getting naked is normal. In a relationship of any kind you will of course get up close and personal, you will be naked together and hopefully the more time you spend together the more comfortable you become. You have to get to this point first though and that is the hard bit.
In the throes of passion, for example; when you are both giddy with lust and ripping each others clothes off, there is no real thought about wobbly bits, it is a spur of the moment heated, passionate exchange. Therefore, it is probably only afterwards when you are basking in the after glow that you might pull the bed sheet over your tummy or reach to cover yourself up.
However, being asked to take your clothes off in front of someone while they watch from a chair in the corner of the room, fully clothed is a completely different experience all together. Especially if this will be the first time they have seen you naked.
When you do something like this a million thoughts are buzzing around your head all at once but you can’t put any one of them in to anything coherent. It’s a thrill, a rush but it is also ridiculously embarrassing, you feel completely exposed. Almost like your body is see through, everything, even your mind is being read.
Add to that the up close and personal examination, the touching and scrutinising all while your partner is still fully clothed is somewhat invasive. It is not though unpleasant. In fact it is the opposite.
In my head I am both berating myself for eating the extra hot cross bun, and the left over chocolate cake. Eating all those little mini eggs that are so small they can hardly count as calories surely? While at the same time revelling in this complete adoration of my body, wobbly bits and all.
My body is 46 years old and it looks it. My skin is not as firm as it once was and I have to accept this. I eat too much rubbish to ever be stick thin and I have to accept that to or change it and I know that isn’t going to happen. I have had two children, who I wouldn’t be without but they have left their mark.
Do you know the story of The Giant Radish, that reminds me of what it was like trying to give birth to Tom. I will leave that thought there.
I very much enjoy the human body and whilst it comes in all shapes and sizes and let’s not forget that we all have our little preferences, it would be boring if we were all the same, the human body is a glorious thing, in more ways than one.
We are what we are and we have to love ourselves for it, otherwise how can we expect others to love us. We are more than a body. What people see on the outside is nothing to compared to what we have on the inside.
I am no expert in these matters but I do believe that if you radiate a belief in yourself, others will share it. If you believe you are beautiful then others will see you as beautiful.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, from inside and out and we all have it, in spades.