As is often the case in the early stages of any ‘relationship’ Mr Ivy and I are at crossed purposes.
How we got here, I don’t really know? I mean that both because we are the unlikeliest of couples but at the same time we are similar in ways that will only become frustrating.
However, the morning after our fourth date (He says second, I say fourth), well we have met four times, so I must be right, surely. Granted we have only been out twice but we have still seen each other four times, so although Math is not my strong suit I am sticking to my guns.
I am still not really sure how much of this story I want to share. I am very cautious saying his name out loud. I fear that just by making him real, bringing him to life on paper and confirming his existence it will inevitably lead to him being swept away leaving a trail of gold dust behind him.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to write retrospectively rather than in the here and now? I expect both have their pros and cons, for me it would be difficult to remember things so I would have to write everything down anyway but writing in the here and now is a bit raw sometimes. I don’t think I have entirely processed last night events myself and so I am struggling to put them on paper.
When I was younger, early teens, I kept diaries It is something I often try to encourage Elsie to do. Unfortunately and much to my absolute horror now, I no longer have them. I recall once reading them only a few years later when I came across them one day and thinking how very unexciting they were, I couldn’t see a reason to keep them. It makes me sad even now to think about it. Of course I realise now it is not so much about the things you were doing but more about the things you were feeling.
How I would love to read them now.
I have always had a little bit of the fairy tale in me, I blame my reading material, despite it being very varied even as a child I always got sucked in by adventure, myth and fantasy.
I still live in a little fantasy bubble to this day. I like it here.
I am all for escapism. I never had a plan for life, still don’t. I have dreams, who doesn’t but they are mostly pie in the sky dreams and as I have gotten older I feel less inclined to worry about any of them. My fairy tale though is still there floating in and out of my thoughts, probably more so now as I become more tangled up with Mr Ivy.
Mr Ivy is not yet my fairy tale he is though a lovely, wonderful distraction from real life, which in the beginning is what we both agreed it would be.
The thing that will come between Mr Ivy and me is us. As we move through our dates it is becoming increasingly obvious that there are communication issues. I know it is early days so I hope that with a few more discussions we can be a bit more open with each other.
Don’t get me wrong he is a man the like of which I have not met before, he is kind, considerate, overwhelmingly attentive, a pleaser and general giver. He is all about you. It sounds perfect and in a way it almost is.
My worry is only that he is so focused on what he thinks I want that he is forgetting that we don’t really know each other yet but much more important than that is, this is not just about me. While I love the fact that he is wholeheartedly throwing himself in to the whole getting to know each other thing, this is about both of us.
I know this sounds weird but I don’t want him to try so hard.
This is not a one way street we both have to be on the journey together for it to naturally evolve. It is a constantly weaving path of learning and discovery. I like him and I think he likes me and whatever or wherever this goes and for how long is neither here nor there for the moment, it is simply about moments. Moments that make us both happy.
If you put too much pressure on those moments to be too perfect they will never live up to the expectation you already have. Explaining that is hard.
Last night I left not really sure where we are but feeling slightly better for having said that he is trying to hard. I had a wonderful evening (I know I wish I could explain better) and I really hope he knows that.
I left with a gift which I have no idea whether I will ever use again. I love it, it is something I have coveted for a while but I have a really sad feeling that it will now just stay in the lovely black velvet box it came in, a moment shared that will become a sweet memory.