This is my 100th post.
Have I bored anyone to tears yet? Probably. Do I care? Kind of. No one wants to be boring. However, the rantings of a middle-aged woman are not for everyone so I get if you didn’t make it past the first few posts.
If you are still with me, or you dip in and out as and when then, thank you! It’s good to know you are there. 💗
In the few short months since I have been blogging my life hasn’t really changed. Did I think it would? Probably, yes. I always think something quite exciting is around the corner, usually it isn’t, it is bloody miles off and while I am sitting here glued to a lap top for the best part of the week, the world is still spinning away.
Writing is not a sociable hobby. To write and write properly takes up a lot of time. More time than is reasonable to spare when you have a paid job that it is compulsory to attend and two children who need feeding and watering, all too regularly. Mix that with trying to have a life yourself as well and it is practically impossible, but it is what I enjoy and in my opinion we don’t do nearly enough of the things we enjoy in life.
I have had some time off from seeing Mr Ivy and the weird thing is I actually needed it. It has been well over a week since we have seen each other and while he knew I was busy for a few days with Ruth, I had to all intents and purposes booked myself out from Thursday to Thursday. One whole week off.., and relax. Well, not counting Go Ape, which was far from relaxing and marginally embarrassing.
Dangling dangerously from a tree suspended only by some strapping around your nether regions is neither dignified nor comfortable but it is incredibly funny, at least for everyone else. At my time of life I can think of better things to do… Getting tangled up with Ivy is one of them.
I have reached a different stage in my relationship with Mr Ivy and that is one of relaxation. I am no longer Little Miss Anxious waiting to hear from him, or wondering if and when he will want to see me again. All of a sudden I feel a lot less worried about it all. If I want to text him, I do. However, I have found that actually I don’t want to text all that often. Weirdly. He is still very much like The Times Crossword in that his messages are short and sometimes cryptic, it can sometimes be days in between his messages and while it does confuse me slightly, more the things he says than the time relapse, I am done with over analysing.
What will be, will be.
I have been dreaming a lot lately, I know they say that we dream every night but if this is true then I don’t usually remember them, or they do not wake me. It takes a lot to wake me once I am asleep, it’s the getting to sleep that’s the hard bit. My dreams haven’t made any sense to me, although I am not sure they are supposed to and usually I only remember certain parts of them, who was in them for example, but not what we were doing or vice versa.
I like the thought of dreaming, I am in essence a dreamer and so I believe in all things “airy fairy”. In an age where science and technology seems to know no bounds we are still baffled by the thought of anything we do not yet understand. Our dreams being one of them. Our logic says that there has to be a reasonable explanation for every thing, that is how our minds work, we look for the logic to find the answers, but what if there isn’t an answer? There will always be a theory but it might not be the right one or the one you believe in and while many people come up with many theory’s about many different things, we are all left to make up our own minds about what we believe.
I do not consider myself to be religious, or at least I am not practising but to some extent I have a religious belief, I think most of us do, practising or non practising. It is what drives us, keeps us focused, helps us through the bad times and while we can not explain it, or will we ever be able to explain it, it has given us the strength and ability to get to where we are now. It is almost like an invisible shield that for the most part we do not see or feel, but somehow when we have accomplished or achieved or we have been able to get through the toughest of times it must be that belief, inner strength, call it what you will, that gets us through.
A religious belief is more than worshipping a God it is the thoughts and feelings that you hold dear, whether that is spiritual, mythological or supernatural, it is what you believe to be true.
After my Dad passed away, I can remember quite vividly a feeling of him being in the room, I was sleeping at the time, although now I can’t recall whether or not I was asleep. The likelihood is that I was sleeping and dreaming but I felt someone sit on the edge of the bed, at this point I thought I was awake but although I felt like it was him I could see no-one. I could hear him talking but to this day I can’t recall what he said, if he said anything at all. It was comforting at the same time as being a little unnerving and felt as real as anything I had ever felt but the thing with dreams is that they are, just dreams. A crossover between what you believe to be reality and the reality that it is a moment plucked from your subconscious.
There have only been a few times in my life when I have experienced anything like that and on all three occasions I was emotionally or physically exhausted. Maybe that is the clue?
Now though I am relaxed, my sleeping pattern has changed somewhat since I have been on my holidays, I sleep for longer and although I go to bed later I am sleeping in, sometimes a bit too long. My dreams have been happy, I think, nothing particularly disturbing although they are waking me, which for me is unusual. They have involved many people, and they seem to be people related rather than place related. Other than that I can’t tell you much about them. I wish I could remember them better as I am slightly fascinated by dreams.
I have always been a little envious of people who dream vividly and often. Not the scary variety obviously, I don’t do scary!
I used to have the falling dream quite a lot, while I was working abroad mostly, falling, falling in to nothing, before waking with a jolt. While I was living abroad I had many dreams, sleep was irregular and infrequent and you find yourself just grabbing a couple of hours here and there. Maybe the feeling of being away from home, away from every thing that is familiar to you triggered them. For the most part my time abroad was every thing I expected it to be, hard work, contrary to popular opinion but absolutely as exciting and as fun as I imagined it would be, but it wasn’t without its occasional bouts of loneliness and insecurities.
My love of fairy stories and myths, are the basis of my belief, a belief that there is an unknown, that we can never fully understand all that the world has been, or will be. There are facts and there are fiction but there is no doubt in my mind that whatever got us here will never be truly explained. I believe in the unknown itself, that there is something, something greater. What that is I don’t know, magic, myth, a superior being, a life beyond our life, who knows?
It makes me happier to think that there is some where for us all to go when we are finished here, and I am all for happy!