Tangled up, Part 4…

I don’t know quite where to start.

If I start from Friday nights date with Ivy it won’t really be the beginning but if I start at the beginning, with all the things I know about Ivy, which is far from everything, this will be a novel not a blog post

I can’t describe how I am feeling because I don’t really know.

I feel sad, but I don’t know why I feel sad.

This week I have been exceptionally tired but despite forcing myself to bed at a reasonable hour every night by Friday I didn’t feel any better.  In fact I felt awful.  Last week it seems I picked up a urine infection and while it was uncomfortable, as urine infections often are, I couldn’t put my mood/tiredness down to that surely?

I am now near the end of a course of antibiotics and it seems to have done the trick as far as peeing is concerned.  My urine has returned to its normal colour and I don’t want to scream like a banshee every time I feel the urge to go, but I do still feel a tiny little bit low.

This is not unheard of as we all have those days, you know the sort, days were you are better of staying in doors, days when you shouldn’t communicate with the outside world for fear of actually saying what you are thinking.  This is quite normal.  They don’t usually last and I don’t expect this to.

Yesterday however, I was tearful.

I was making flapjacks, having just turfed the kitchen cupboards out and found some out of date oats.  Not one for throwing food away and assuring myself that out of date oats surely can’t hurt you, I decided to bake.  So baking and listening to music my thoughts were drifting to my date with Ivy the previous evening.  Our date was not disastrous by any stretch of the imagination but neither was it a resounding success.

It makes me desperately sad to see him so unhappy but unhappy is what he is. What makes me even more sad is that I can’t fix him. He is broken but I am broken in my own funny little way and I don’t know if I have the strength to pretend enough for both of us.

Ivy is my light relief, or at least that is what I was hoping he would be.  I was looking forward to my date, to going out out, as we do not do this often, usually it is dinner at his, some drinks and some very nice relaxation afterwards.  I love these nights but after a long and quite stressful week I was also looking forward to a nice change.  Hopefully, still with some relaxation afterwards!

I don’t think this went entirely as I had expected for many reasons, the main one being It is far too early for him to be in any kind of relationship.

If I was to be completely honest I think all he really needs is a friend.  It was very clear that Ivy has had a tough couple of weeks and while he tries valiantly to hide the difficulties he is facing at the moment there are tell-tale signs that he a man very near the end of his tether.

Ivy is new in town.  He doesn’t know anyone, except me.  He is trying to juggle working with a shared care arrangement for his son that changes on an almost daily basis and the stresses of moving/settling somewhere he has never even visited before never mind lived.

His divorce is as far from amicable as you could possibly get and driven by a hatred I have never seen before.  In the early days of our “arrangement” we spoke briefly about his separation and the fact that things weren’t entirely amicable and I took it all with a pinch of salt.  I didn’t ask too many questions and he didn’t offer too much information but as the weeks have gone by he is slowly dying inside, I can see it and I hardly know him.

I never thought it possible to dislike someone you have never met but she is sucking the soul out of that man and I despise her for it.  Not because I love him or because I have any feeling other than that of one human to another but because it is just so unnecessary.

I have never been married, neither have I ever had much to fight over but I know without question that I couldn’t put myself or anyone else through what he is going through now.  When any relationship fails it hurts and I understand why people get angry, feel let down and want the other person to hurt as much as they do, especially when it has not necessarily been a mutual breakdown but surely in the end it is about breaking free, in the end you have to hope that you can sit, discuss, work out and be empathetic enough to see that both sides have to be able to move on, to go forward and be happy.  Idealistic?  Maybe, but the alternative or the alternative that I see is killing this man from the inside out.

Honestly, I am not sure we go from here.  I think we are moving towards the friend zone and to be honest I don’t think that would be a bad thing for either of us.  Friends with benefits?  Maybe?  For a while, who knows.

The trouble is I kind of resolved not to get myself in to a situation where I felt like I was doing something because I didn’t have anything else to do and this is kind of where I find myself, unwittingly.  It is not that I do not want to see Ivy, I do and neither is it because we don’t have a good time, not counting the last couple of weeks but more because it is to easy to fall in to this ‘lets just see what happens’ thing and usually nothing does.

While I am all for going with the flow especially in the early days of any relationship I feel like this thing with Ivy is almost done already.  I can’t help but feel that despite his very best intention he really doesn’t have the time or the inclination to dedicate to me at the moment and this is for the time being OK, but how long it will be OK for I don’t know.

I get a strange feeling of contentment lying with Ivy after our date, having his arms around me, his fingers stroking my skin. I listen to him talking about being an astronaut and how the worlds works, those moments and events, the things that have happened to lead to us to where we are now, together.  Together but not together, not yet completely comfortable and sometimes very awkward, especially when it comes to intimacy, yet I felt content, almost happy but not because it was Ivy just because it was someone.

That feeling that comes from feeling protected, like someone has got you is priceless.  Nothing comes close to feeling loved or cherished, maybe even adored and for a few moments I enjoy that and I hope he does to.

I want to make him feel hope, even if I can’t give him anything else.  Hope that one day he will come out the other side, that he will still be the man who is good and kind and even though his heart is a little chipped he will find love again and for how ever long it lasts it will be wonderful.  That he won’t always feel this way, that things will get better and it will be hard and he will feel like he can’t do it but he will.  To reassure him that the pain will lessen over time as it always does and new things will happen and he will once again be strong enough to embrace life and all it has to offer.

Crikey! I am far too emotional at the moment.

As I leave though we are back to our awkward selves, not wanting to commit one way or another about when or if we will see each other again.  It is always left open.  I wait for however long it is to hear from him and now I get it and it’s fine, like I said, for now.


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