It’s all bollocks…

I am struggling to keep a lid on myself at the moment.

I want to go to war with the world.

Still tired to the point of crying, I feel strung out and emotional.  I have no clue what is going on in my head or my body but I feel completely disengaged from it at the moment.

I am near the point of ripping this sodding coil out myself, as I have yet another heavy period.  Too much information?  Well that’s as may be but if I don’t rant somewhere I fear I may soon get the sack from my job for speaking my thoughts out loud or I will come across one stupid driver too many and end up in jail.

Either way the prospect of a return to my normally, relatively controlled self, seems a very long way off.

Before. Back in the dim and distant beginnings of this blog I was rather keen on saying how I never get stressed, I am not a worrier and I tend to let things take their natural course rather than get worked up or anxious about the things I can not change.  Now, only a few months later I find myself almost completely strung out.  Hell bent on trying to change things I know I can not change, instead of being the usually accepting person who knows that there are people and situations that you can never change, despite your best intentions.

I fear my tolerance levels may be changing with age.  In that I don’t have any anymore.

I was never the most patient person in the world but I have always been aware that on the whole people are very different, that we are not all the same and we do not all share the same values or opinions.  Neither do we all think the same or have the same levels of understanding and this is what makes us all rub along differently, why we all get along with some more than we do others.  This is very normal for us humans.  However, I seem to not really be able to get along with anyone at the moment.

This is an unusual thing for a people pleaser like me.

I like harmony, which may account for why I feel so all over the place as my life is far from harmonious at the moment.

People often tell me how wonderful it is that I have for the most part single-handedly raised my children, that I have provided, cared for and looked after these small people on my own and prepared them for a life in the big wide world.  While on paper this might all sound very commendable it has certainly not been the wonderful, simplistic journey people seem to assume.

Somehow, I was under a rather stupid illusion that as my children got older they would be less bothersome.  This is NOT the case.

I love my children, of course, that goes without saying but my God they drive me bloody nuts sometimes.  The pressure of parenting never goes away it just changes direction and with each new stage of their lives you enter a new realm of,  shit! I never saw that coming.

If I hear mention of Elsie’s birthday once more, I think the lid might actually come off.  I swear the sooner Friday gets here and fucks off again for another year, the happier I will be.  Sadly I know that the minute Friday has passed, she will still hover randomly in front on me with her phone locked on to boohoo.com because we will still be looking out for things that Elsie might like for Christmas.  Just so I have an idea.

I have an idea but I am not sure it is one I can print!

As usual with Elsie’s birthday the house will become a hotel for the weekend, taken over by her friends for the annual sleep-a-thon, although no sleep actually takes place, just a lot of squawking and laughing.  Tom has wisely decided to vacate for the weekend to his friend’s house and I think I might go with him.

However, I do have plans for Saturday and so largely they will be home alone until my return.  Is this a good idea?  Well, we are about to find out!

I imagine my evening will be not be as relaxing as one would hope for fear of having half a dozen 15-year-old girls alone in my home, but I do despite my grumbling about Elsie have complete faith and trust in her.  Whether this is justified we will soon learn but for the most part I am comfortable with it.  Elsie is anxious by nature though and so my concerns are not that they won’t behave but just that she will not be as entirely comfortable with the whole thing as she pretends to be.

Anyway I have a whole other week to get through first. So let’s worry about one thing at time.

So far as its Sunday we have been fairly lazy, the kids are just tucking in to some pancakes and I am taking opportunity to get this finished before heading out this afternoon for football.

At the moment I feel calm but that is probably because I haven’t been anywhere yet.

It has been raining all weekend so I half expected football to be cancelled today.  Therefore, we haven’t exactly rushed about.  Now we will have to get a move on, as we are playing away in Sevenoaks at 2 pm and despite the God awful weather it is on, so I had better go dig out my wet weather gear, put a bra and a smile on and get going.

4 thoughts on “It’s all bollocks…

  1. thebarefootsub says:

    I feel your pain, though mine are 10 and 5 so I doubt it’s as challenging for me yet. Parenting and being an adult is just relentless, isn’t it?
    Off on a tangent, I swapped the coil for an implant. The edges seemed to smooth off almost instantly.

    I hope the week goes better and you get to rest up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • life, love and bollocks says:

      Thanks. I am trying to be patient as the Nurse says… it will settle! I have my doubts though, so I will bear that in mind.
      Hmm.. It was the secondary shocker for me I think, lulled in to a false sense of security at the phrase ‘growing up’ which really just means bigger, bolder and a lot more argumentative.
      I hope things are going well for you to.

      Like

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