The final chapter?
Ivy is still painfully painful.
Sometimes I think it is him and sometimes I think it is me, but most of the time I don’t have a bloody clue which one of us it is, or what on earth is happening, if anything.
If I am honest, which for the most part, I try to be, I just don’t have the temperament for all his niceties. I find our conversations long-winded and unnecessary but I fear I have said that before. *yawn
I am stuck on rewind and repeat!
I am not sure if it is just the mood I am in at the moment, or it is just born out of sheer bloody frustration but I am about ready to admit defeat. I feel like this has already just become a habit.
The last time I saw Ivy it almost felt like it was because we had to or because it was expected, you know part of the agreed once a week arrangement. Whether you fancy it, or not. As usual our date followed the same general pattern as all the other dates and while it was nice, as they usually are, it was… (desperately trying to think of the right word), boring? OK, maybe not boring, predictable? Is that the same thing?
I should warn you that this is the bit where I am going to probably sound like a whining child, but…
I got in to this to have fun and enjoy myself. I thought I had found myself a lover, a friend with benefits, whatever you want to call it, that is what I thought it was. He is nice guy and I am a nice girl and the two of us were both looking for that old cliché, an uncomplicated fling/romance, if there is ever such a thing, which it has to be said, I am thinking NOT at the moment. However, three months down the line (yes, three months already), we seem to be very much at stalemate.
We have reached that weird stage in our fling/romance where it is inevitable that life will start to encroach, both on our time and our thoughts but we don’t share these things. In the beginning it was easy not to burden each other with the day-to-day shit that both of us deal with, but as time goes on it is really quite difficult to keep the fantasy separate from the reality.
The more time you spend with someone the more you expect to become comfortable with each other, not in a pipe and slippers way, but in a way where you are learning things about each other, things that will help you to decide how, when and if you want your relationship to move on, or if indeed you do want it to move on. Everything has to evolve, whether it lives and breathes or suffocates and dies, there has to be movement of some kind.
With Ivy and I there is no movement. Everything stays the same, from the stilted often far too polite messages, to the actual dates themselves, nothing changes, nothing moves and now we are stuck. Stuck, not knowing where to go from here.
After only three months we have run out of steam.
We are at that awkward point where we know that this either has to become something, or we stop, completely. For me it has lost its fun factor. Sad as that may be and not because Ivy isn’t capable of providing a very good time it is simply because we have convinced ourselves this is not a thing. This is casual, nothing heavy, nothing serious. So casual in fact that we barely acknowledge each other on a weekly basis and if I am honest, that is a bit too casual, even for me and I have proper relationship issues.
In the early throes of any involvement it should all be about the fun, seeing each other should make you both happy, you should be excited and you are allowed to relax and enjoy it. That is kind of the point. If you are just going to go through the motions then you might as well stay home and watch the TV. Let loose, have a good time, don’t worry about what might or might not happen, if it makes you smile and doesn’t kill anyone in the process then what is the worst that can happen.
This is not making me happy though, in fact it is making me quite the opposite.
In the beginning when we hardly knew each other it was fine because we were unsure about what this was going to be, but now a few months later nothing has changed, I don’t anymore about him now than I learnt on our very first date, when actually he talked quite a lot and I want to. I feel like we are strangers still, which I have to say is a bit weird, especially considering how up close and personal we get in other areas. It is natural, even in friendships to get to know more about a person the more time you spend with them, surely?
Last week Ivy’s overflowing enthusiasm delivered this to my inbox.
“I’m not sure if I should see you or not. I may be even worse company than usual (if you believe that…) but at the same time it would be nice to see you and think about something else.”
It would? Really?
Could you at least try to make it sound like it?
So if you had to choose between seeing me and what? Making pasta? Or cutting your toe nails? #burstmyballoon
Don’t worry, I managed to remain calm, which given the last couple weeks is a major achievement I can assure you and our conversation limped on, just.
I rarely think about the future.
I am not a planner, I do not think about what might or might not happen in ten years times, or ever in fact. The most forward thinking thing I have done, ever, is to get a pension.
The reason behind my having pensions (aside from the fact that the state pension will probably have been abolished by the time I get there and if it does manage to limp on for any length of time at best the qualifying age will be 112 and I hope to be long dead by then, or at least living my re-incarnated life as a persian cat), is that I have a humongous bucket list.
Sometimes though, things catch you of guard.
In what was a very normal conversation about work and raising kids and thinking about a time in our lives when we will be able to relax a little, when we will have sent our children, well-rounded (hopefully) off out in to the world and we will be free again. Free to be us again. The thought suddenly hit me that when my children go off in to the world it will just be me.
This makes me think of relationships.
I want a relationship, a proper one, one where we have fun, enjoy each others company, in and out of the bedroom, we chew the fat, laugh a lot and argue a little, we can sit in silence and be as secure with each other are we are without each other, so… I think I am putting myself back on the market. There, I said it. It’s out there.
I wont say I will never see Ivy again, or speak to him, as little or nothing has changed between us and so there is no reason for us not to be friends, if it works out that way. I still stand by the fact that he is a very nice guy and I would be more than happy to remain acquainted.
We are just not meant to be tangled up together…