A moment in time…

Sod’s Law is a constant in my life.

If I wait, it will never happen and if I go, it is too bloody soon.

I wait patiently for things to happen and they don’t. As the end of another years looms just ahead of us, I can’t help but think I shouldn’t be here.

Not here, on earth. Things haven’t got that bad, yet! I mean here at the laptop, in the kitchen doing the same thing I was doing this time last year, same mug, same window, same view, same story. *yawn

I am not ready for another year to have gone by, but worst of all I am not ready to admit that another year went by and nothing changed. Quite what I wanted to happen I haven’t figured out yet, but if the planets are aligning, or the tides are changing, somebody forgot to tell me.

The only thing I do know is I want it to stop. PLEASE!

Just while I figure it out. I won’t be long, I promise.

The truth is I will, be long that is. I will procrastinate for forever and a day, trying to work out what it is that will make me want the world to start turning again.

I know about all the life quotes that remind us all everyday that we are in charge of our own destiny and while I realise that what happens is largely up to me, I can’t help but wonder how you go about actually changing your life? I suppose one would have to start by working out how you want it to change. Do you want to be richer? Happier? More adventurous?

Yes please, all the above, thank you!

I clearly need some guidance on this matter, as having been left trying to work it out by myself for the last twenty odd years, I have yet to come up with the answer. Therefore, I surely can’t be expected to manage the next… however many? Can I? Maybe I just need a cattle prod or two in the right direction? Or enough to end it all? I am half-joking when I say that. Don’t panic.

The buddies and I have been discussing the mid-life crisis recently. I have always believed this to be a middle-aged mans excuse to replace his wife and car with a younger much more sportier version, upgrading, if you like, to something with little more razzle-dazzle. Now, I think I am having a mid-life crisis.

I am mid-life. Well, obviously that depends on how long I have left, but if I live to be 80 (a tad optimistic but you never know), I have another 33 years to go. It seems like a long time doesn’t it but I didn’t see the last 33 go by, so I’m not convinced I will notice the next ones.

I have an issue with time at the moment, I can’t help but feel like I am running out of it. It is on my mind almost every day, that need to make the next however many years count. To do something, anything, that me make me feel like it was worthwhile. It is not for anyone else but for me. For me to say I did that. But what? I am certainly not going to be a great inventor or explorer, or have a landmark or building named after me, what makes someone ordinary become extraordinary?

I have left it a bit late to have a midlife crisis I think, but that really is the story of my life. I leave everything late. I left having my single time until I should have been settling down and getting married, leaving a long-term relationship at the age of 24 and then deciding to go and party until it was 1999 and beyond, meant that I left having children until I was past 30, my official title on the maternity ward was geriatric mother. I felt it to, the girl in the bed next to me was 17 and the one opposite 23.

All this means I still have fairly young children and feel even more geriatric now than I did then.

I struggle to keep up with the demands of what will soon be two teenagers. The pressure that society and we ourselves put on each other, the constant battle to remain somewhere near the top of the league in the ‘best mum‘ table, while always feeling like I am very much hanging on by a thread. Outwardly smiling and inwardly paddling away furiously, for fear of someone grabbing my toes and dragging me under. Feeling like I fail everyday and while I am convinced that is quite normal (I have conferred on this subject), it is still shit.

Most of this weekend has been spent hovering around websites waiting for deals on the things I need to ensure that Tom and Elsie are not disappointed, when they charge down the stairs at the speed of sound on Christmas morning.

This has not gone to plan. I know, I can imagine your surprise!

After having one of Elsie’s more expensive items in my basket for around 5 days, debating whether to buy or to wait, it was reduced by 30% on Thursday. I was excited, but did I buy the item? No, did I bollocks. I waited because I talked myself in to the whole Black Friday rubbish. Tomorrow it will be reduced by 50% I told myself, almost rubbing my hands together with glee at this marvellous, almost too good to be true saving. I stayed up past midnight on Thursday just so could grab my bargain when it happened.

Only it didn’t happen.

Of course it didn’t bloody happen. Why would it?

I went to bed thoroughly pissed off. Over slept Friday morning, which left me out of sorts all sodding day and when I checked the website again, they did indeed have 50% of everything (almost! I do love it when you see that tiny little up to, in the smallest font available to man), except the item I wanted, which had a whopping 6% off now, a massive saving of around six pounds. Fucking Hell. I wish Sod would Sod off!

The item is still in my basket, as I refuse to believe that it will not be reduced again. I have to believe it will, for my own sanity and for my bank balance. I live in hope, even though Sod’s law tells me that I will absolutely, definitely, end up not getting it at all. All my waiting will ensure that by the time I do decide to hit buy it will be SOLD OUT.

I feel like one of those things at the fairground, the ones you hit with a hammer, bashed hard on the head, over and over again, but they still keep popping back up, to get thwacked again.

On that slightly depressing note I will take my leave…

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