My heart will go on…

This week I have mostly been humming and hawing about my return to online dating.

Ridiculously, I am quite scared.

Other than my five-minute delve in to the baffling world of Hinge, which it has to be said wasn’t very successful (rightly or wrongly I put this down to my age), I had decided I wasn’t really ready for a full on return to online dating. The commitment and effort required to make an all singing, all dancing profile with lots of shiny new photos and an epic bio, is more than I can muster. I am altogether fed up with trying to make myself sound more appealing than I actually am.

However, with Ivy well and truly out of the picture, I really have little choice.

…and while I often joke with my wee Scottish pal about us ending up together when we are crotchety old women, living in a cottage by the sea on the west coast, drinking whiskey and taking in strays, this is NOT how I want to end my days. Sorry my darling, you know I love you. However, if we end up back backing around South America in our dotage, drinking rum and shaking our arses in salsa bars, I’m all for a plan B…

Over the last month or so since things have dwindled between Ivy and I, I have been pushing myself to get back online, at the same time as telling myself I am not ready. By not ready, I do not mean that I am not ready to move on, I am. I just mean that I can’t face it.

Just the thought of building a profile makes me want to do a Bridget Jones, throwing myself face down on the bed while wailing loudly at the injustice of being a singleton.

I am not ready for the constant ego battering that is 21st century dating. Am I pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough? Does my profile say I’m a real catch? or Don’t stop here mate, she is not the full shilling? Typically over analysing every word or answer I give to every question. Hours spent wondering if my profile is good enough to catch the eye of any potential mate?

In the real world I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am a perfectly capable, pretty average woman and I know I have something to offer someone, I am merely having a tiny bit of trouble finding that particular someone, but I refuse to believe he isn’t out there somewhere. So, while my head is telling me not to bother with what seems like such a futile venture, my heart is urging me to keep trying.

I have reached a time in my life where it seems almost unreachable, this love thing.

Yet, I crave that special something, the bond that connects two people who have truly come together; mind, body and spirit. A union that strives to work together for the good of each other. Is it even possible? Does such an idealistic view even have a place in today’s society?

Am I right or wrong to think that my yang is out there?

That somewhere out there is the my missing puzzle piece. My right side. My person, the one who has the unique serrated edge with only one possible perfect fit. Me!

Romantic? Probably.

The trouble is I don’t know where to look.

Dating and the world of online dating confuses me.

The pearls of wisdom people are inclined to share with you about your life are infuriating to say the least. Contrary to popular opinion, I won’t meet the love of my life in the bank or in the supermarket or in the pub, largely because I don’t spend enough time in these places (who does) but also because that is just not how things happen these days.

People tell you to stop trying so hard, that it will happen when you least expect it. It won’t. The whole idea that one day I will just ‘bump’ in to him, is ridiculous. We spend our days trying NOT to bump in to people and avoid talking to strangers wherever possible, we rush about our business without any thought to who we are passing and we never take conversations past a casual hello or a comment about the weather. How is this conducive to meeting the man of your dreams?

I love the story of the girl who ‘bumped’ the car in front one day, not noticing that the traffic had stopped. The driver of the car in front, a man, got out and after they both agreed there was no damage and no harm done, he asked her on a date. It is a great story and one I know has indeed happened. However, this does not mean I can drive around ‘bumping’ in to cars in the hope it will happen to me. Remember Sod? Yeah well, he’s still hanging around somewhere, waiting for his next opportunity.

I never go out the door expecting to fall in love that particular day, the thought doesn’t even cross my mind, so I am never expecting it, yet it hasn’t happened.

I know I am a bit Cinderella and I know my expectations are high, I also know I can be difficult to ‘manage’. I hardly ever show emotion and while I have a soft centre not many get to see it. I equate true love to fairy tales and love songs, these people must know what it is like? They tell the stories and write the songs.

I want some of this love people talk about and if it means I have to go back to online dating then so bloody be it.

It is past midnight on Saturday as I sit here, having dilly-dallied around for what seems like hours, trying to decide if I should be straight and to the point, or sweet and nice (hmm, probably not, that would be too much of a shock if we ever did meet). How about serious with some wit thrown in for good measure, would Vodka help? Unlikely. I need my bed. My brain is going to explode.

…. anyone fancy a ride on the merry-go-round in my head. It’s free, but you will need a strong stomach?

I start these blogs with a clear thought in my head and by the time I am half way through I couldn’t tell you what that thought was if my life depended on it.

So I think that’s quite enough of all that for now. I am clearly confused.

I talk about love like I know what it means.

…and if that isn’t a song it should be!

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