How do I keep getting it so wrong?
Why is it so hard to find someone who likes you, who you like back and who is prepared to get to know you a little better in the hope that you might be able to navigate the complexities of a relationship together? Any ideas?
I am at a funny age. This I have accepted. Almost.
I keep telling myself that I can’t afford to make any mistakes that I have to get it right this time. I can’t keep sodding about and having random sex with strangers (I don’t do this often mind, just occasionally when the need arises!), I need something more than that. It is so unsatisfying, not sexually it is perfectly for that but unsatisfying in the way that my brain is lonely. There are many different kinds of stimulation and I am only getting one of them!
Then when I do find someone who I think might be marginally close to the above, it seems I can’t bring myself to completely surrender to it. I am wasting my own time and his because I don’t know if he is what I want? I’m not feeling it still, but why?
I like Pete. He makes me laugh, alot. We have been chatting for a while and decided to meet this week. We were originally going to meet on Thursday but it was Valentines Day, as he pointed out when I didn’t mention it. It is not a date I have pencilled in my diary, for obvious reasons. Therefore, we changed to Friday. I am not sure why this made the slightest difference but, who am I to argue, besides it’s easier to swing an early finish on a Friday. We met in town and went for a few drinks.
It was much quieter than normal for a Friday in London, I imagine that instead of the usual drinks after work, most had gone home to their lovers for the weekend. A quite lovely thought. It was quiet enough that we managed to secure a nice little table in the corner where we easily chatted the evening away.
Pete is, if I remember rightly, 41 and Irish. Although he says British as he is from the border towns of Northern Ireland. All I know is when he gets excited he is very hard to understand. I spent most of the evening straining to pick out the obvious words. It was for the most part a comfortable, highly entertaining evening. He was intelligent, funny and confident, if a little tactile for my taste, maybe? It takes me a while to become easy with the touching thing! Or does it?
This is something I have been asking myself for while. You see I like sex. In fact I would go so far as to say that I am always thinking about sex. Maybe it’s because I am not getting any but even when I am getting some, I just want more. Is that normal? I think so. It’s healthy to want to have sex/intimacy with your guy isn’t it?
When I am in a relationship, I expect all of the things a good relationship should bring. In previous relationships, I have always considered myself a ‘grower’ as in it takes a long time for me to become secure and comfortable on every level, I give slowly but it will be with everything when it happens. Sex in a relationship to me is the best kind. Once you know someone completely, you have the freedom to be exactly who you are nothing is unapproachable or inhibited and with that comes pleasure on every level.
Is this why dating is so hard? On the carousel of first dates, you rarely to get to this level. The casualness of dating is so throwaway that finding someone who you truly connect with is almost impossible and I am just as guilty of that as the next person. I expect too much from a first date. I have joined the vicious circle of people who are searching endlessly for the one, only to turn my nose up at every one who might be the one.
I am waiting for the lightening bolt. Ridiculous as that sounds on paper I know that it is true, other wise I wouldn’t be so dismissive.
So, back to Pete.
Pete is a great guy but sadly I wasn’t overly attracted to Pete, he made me laugh and because of that I found his company extremely enjoyable, I think I was probably flirting with him (something I really should try to contain), but I am by nature a bit of a giggler and a hair twirler. I sit at my desk twirling my hair, I do it while I watch TV and have done since I was a child, in the same way that I always turn my body towards the person I am talking to, doesn’t everyone? Instead of sitting opposite we sat next to, it is better to be closer isn’t it, to try to get some privacy and so the whole pub doesn’t know you are both on a first date.
I wanted to like Pete and if I am honest I still do. Do I like him? Yes. Do I want to shag his brains out? I don’t think so. It certainly wasn’t my initial reaction. Much as I wanted it to be. Pete has made it very clear that he would like to shag my brains out! Which just makes me all the more sad.
It was the kiss that did it.
At the end of the evening we strolled back to the station, we were still easily comfortable and chatting, Pete was giving very obvious signs that he was going to go for it. I know that and I didn’t stop him. I wanted to know if I was going to get my lightening bolt.
He chose his moment carefully, it was calculated almost as if he had previously used this spot for canoodling in the past, you would had to have known it was there. In the dimly lit side road, he took his opportunity.
The kiss started out as a soft exploratory investigation, to test my reaction and as I kissed him back he knew he had clearance to move up a gear. As we kissed, he got braver and I got more and more confused. I was enjoying the kiss, he was doing all the right things, so was I. The kiss became a bit more persuasive, we were touching and it was obvious to me that he was very turned on. So, why the fuck don’t I feel anything? I waited… but it didn’t come. No butterflies, no tingling and no lightening bolt. Why?
I love kissing. It is one of my most favourite things to do. Kissing is why we have Sunday mornings. It can be such a leisurely build up to great sex or fast and hungry either way there is not much in life that beats a great kiss.
A great kiss is supposed to have your nether regions primed and ready for action in an instant and it seemed to working for him but less so for me. My mind was a little distracted, by thoughts of passers-by and the fact that he had clearly eaten something during the day that I could still taste, or thought I could, but whatever the reason it just wasn’t doing it for me. If I am to be brutally honest, I could have carried on but I wasn’t too fussed either way. That sounds harsh as Pete was a great kisser, he had all the technique and made all the right moves, I think he would be a great lover actually, very attentive if that’s your thing. However, I don’t have a fucking clue what my thing is… clearly!
Am I just completely fucked up? Over analysing? Expecting too much? Help me!
Pete is very keen to have a second date but he is away all of next week, so it will be almost two weeks before we can meet again. This gives me some breathing space. Or does it just give me time to talk myself out of seeing him again, which I think I have already done. I have to give him some sort of explanation but I can’t explain it myself. I can’t keep him hanging on for two weeks and then change my mind at the last-minute, I have to decide yes or no. But I can’t.
Pete has made his feeling very clear, he finds me very attractive and even after a few weeks of talking and the fact that he knows I am a more than a little dysfunctional (even this hasn’t put him off), he likes me, he tells me often. We speak on the phone every day and he still makes me laugh out loud. It makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable that I am not as open in return and I really should be but I think he knows without me saying it out loud that I am unsure. Maybe he is just being lead by his desire to have sex. Weirdly this makes me feel better than the fact that he might actually like me.
Can I just try one more kiss and then decide?
It feels wrong to just keep casting people aside without much reason, but is physical attraction reason enough? At the end of the day I have to want to get naked with guy as inevitably this is where we will end up. After all, we are not online trying to find friends we are trying to find lovers, who will hopefully become both… but just maybe it might work better the other way around?