Last week I went on a first date with Pete. This week I went on a second date with Eric. Next week I have a second date with Pete and a possible third with Eric!
Double dating, just not in the traditional sense.
Is this allowed? I’m not really sure. I am pretty sure there are those who say NOT. However, this was not my intention it just seemed to happen this way.
I didn’t think I would hear from Eric again, remember Eric, he’s the non-smoking, teetotal, vegetarian Buddhist. Eric is quite handsome and very fit, he is also not one for showing his excitement, if indeed he gets excited, I have yet to witness any, but you would be forgiven for thinking that Eric doesn’t get excited easily.
Sadly (or not) for Eric, I do love a challenge!
I like Eric and I like Pete but neither of them are currently lighting my fire. Both, in their own very different ways, make me smile and conversationally both have the ability to stimulate my mind, I like this about them. They are though, without doubt, chalk and cheese. Two people who couldn’t be more different.
I have decided that I will continue to see both of them, for now. I know this will likely end in disaster, although really what is the worst that happen? The reality is that if any couple continues to date they may or may not become an item. I am aware that I may be putting myself in a situation where it is impossible to choose between them, or that in the end I may end up with neither and that it might not be my choice at all in the end but at this early stage is it wrong to date more than one person?
I am not sleeping with either of them and for now I do not intend to, besides Eric probably has a five date rule. The man hasn’t even kissed me yet! I am less certain about Pete who I think would try to get to at least 3rd base on date two, date one was fairly full on. I’m not entirely sure If I can remember what 3rd base is but I had better make sure I am nicely trimmed, just in case.
Pete is confident, borderline cocky and has the gift of the gab. I do struggle to get a word in sideways though and I wonder if that will become irritating. It may not turn out to be a bad thing though, the ability to stop me from talking! I can’t half waffle. Eric however, is just, umm… calm. He is quiet but self-assured and has a calmness about him that is weirdly attractive. He is in no way demanding but by the same token it is very difficult to tell what is going on in there, if anything.
I would say that Eric and I could possibly be too similar, in any relationship communication is key and Eric and I are both a little closed. Neither would know what the other was thinking or feeling and that can be hard to deal with. I am by nature very reserved emotionally and I have a need to feel completely at one with someone before I unleash. Pete on the other hand pushes me to communicate, this can be equally good and bad. I won’t say things I don’t mean, if I like you I will say I like you but if you want any more than that you have to prove you are worthy. The trouble is if you push too hard I will push back and it won’t be for the better.
I dislike being backed in to a corner. I like the freedom to make up my own mind and the time in which to do it.
I do not love easily. I have terms and conditions, sorry but that is the way it is. Sex however is different. In my mind sex has no emotional attachment, enjoyable though it very often is, it is not necessarily bound to love. That is not to say it isn’t often better with some emotional attachment involved, but getting to that is the hard part. I am very much a mind over body kind of gal.
I think that is why I felt safe with Ivy. Ivy couldn’t hurt me because there were no feelings attached. We were friends, quite literally friends with benefits and I like those arrangements. Everything was equal and level from the off. The sex wasn’t amazing but it was good and sometimes very experimental, which I like. We set scenes and acted them out. Sadly, Ivy’s completely fucked up Ex took up too much of his time and so inevitably it all came to an end.
Now, looking back on it I realise how great that was. To this day I consider Ivy to be a friend and we are still in touch, albeit sporadically, I worry about him as I do a lot of my friends, he has been through a tough time. I do not want to have a relationship with Ivy but if he ever wants to talk or have a beer I would, gladly and he knows that. The thing I miss most is that feeling of being with someone who is the same as you. Who has the same mindset and understands the complexities, has no need to label things and there are no expectations above desire and respect.
I am not the world best at dating. I am constantly giving off the wrong signals, I’m in then I’m out and then I don’t know what the fuck I am. I say yes when I mean no and vice versa. I can’t handle the pressure. I wasn’t built to date. I am not what you would call an easy person to get know. I am shy actually, reserved and I can more than a little aloof but I often give off signals that are very contrary to that.
I don’t think there is one person who could say they know me well, well maybe one.
I want to feel the excitement that comes with dating and find someone who floats my boat but it seems to taking an awful long time. I feel like my boat is in the dry docks and it won’t be back on the high seas for quite some time. I am hoping the storm will come soon and a huge wave will knock me sideways, the swirling sea will sweep me up and carry off somewhere… I am such a fantasist.
Yesterday I thought I may not need to worry about dating for much longer as I nearly died on the parkrun. Yes I am still at it and yes I feel like I might stop breathing at any moment.
When does this shit get easier?
I am getting slower not faster, don’t get me wrong I actually enjoy it, more than I thought I would but I find that with most things. I am nothing if not committed and do not do things by halves, plus I am super competitive, I do not want to keep coming last. It pains me.
I can see how this sort of thing becomes addictive.
Will I be running a marathon next year? I really doubt it but if I am not doing that 5k in less than 30 minutes by the Summer, I am going back to lying in bed with a stack of hot buttered toast on a Saturday morning. I get up at 7.30 am to do this and I will not accept the reasoning that as long as you are ‘up and at it‘ it’s all good. I want to be better, faster and have a arse you can rest a cup on. Although I will say there is a bit of an improvement in that department, I think?
The aim is to have an arse that is perfect for spanking. There is a long way to go.
I wonder if either Pete or Eric will still be around then?