This week, has been largely the same as the last one, although sadly without the sex.
There is the promise of sex, if I want it, but in what is so me fashion I’m not sure I do? Pete is booked in for Tuesday. Crikey, when you say it like that it sounds like I run a brothel, it is far from that but weirdly it does all feel a bit wrong, for whatever reason?
In true me style I am sat on the fence with Pete. I can’t quite decided if I do like him or I don’t like him. I have said right from the off that I am not overly enamoured. However, there are mixed opinions out there on Pete. Largely people are saying just keep going, who knows, there is no need to make any quick decisions about anything, just wait and see what happens. Then there are those who say, NO! What is the point? Bin him. You know you are not attracted to him, so what is the point of carrying on with it all? I like Pete, he seems like a nice guy but we were not made for each other, that I do know.
We are also at very different stages in our lives and while this is not always a game changer, depending on where you want it to go, it does make things difficult. If we are being honest there are definitely more cons than pros to dating Pete, he lives bloody miles away, well OK the other side of London but factor in to that the fact that he is unavailable every weekend and that makes things kind of tricky. How can you date someone or even begin to try to see each other more than once a week with ‘life’ happening too. At the moment we are only managing once a fortnight and it’s certainly not ideal.
People who know me know that I am very easily distracted and with Pete not really being available or around, it is easy for me to lose focus. The trouble is Pete isn’t floating my boat, if he were I would be OK I think for now, with the once a week/fortnight thing but I am not. Therefore, I am already being side tracked. Couple this with the fact that a relationship of almost any kind, is going to be almost impossible with Pete, I feel like it is just madness to carry on.
Pete and I have discussed all this and he is still keen to go with it, but he has stated quite categorically that he doesn’t want me to see anyone else, which personally I think is a quite a big ask. For example, if I see Pete every other week, on whatever day maybe either a Tuesday or a Thursday, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my time and what about if I want to go out on a Saturday? Pete says (and all with skipping a beat) I can still go out with my friends on the days he is not available (thank you, how kind), which let not forget is all of the other 13 days, but I do feel he is missing the point somewhat.
So! Here we go again….
How many times am I going to have to try to explain this boyfriend malarkey?
I get the fact that Pete isn’t keen on sharing, who is? No one likes the idea of liberal sexual activity and the prospect of sharing bodily fluids, however long after the event but the fact remains that Pete is in no position to be making these kinds of demands. He is clearly very happy with the arrangement as he sees it and why the hell wouldn’t he be but I feel a little short-changed. I am not saying I want to be any more involved in Pete’s (or anyone’s) life or become part of his every day but I would like to be a bit more than an every other week shag. Especially if I am not allowed to dabble elsewhere… although strictly speaking what the eye doesn’t see and all that… but really it is NOT ideal.
For me it has always been about the excitement. However much time you do or do not have to spend with each other it should be something that you look forward to, are excited by and enjoy. You should be counting down the days until you see each other again, shouldn’t you? Talking and making plans and sharing shit and getting down and dirty, not forgetting what day of the week it is and wondering whether you can get out of it by saying you got a bad case of Tinea Pedis.
I just can’t do almost, or nearly, or OK. I want more than that.
Despite considerable effort on my part I cannot find the one person who can satisfy both my curiosity and lust along with the insatiable craving I have for something sweet and tangible. Something real.
In another twist of irony, the sheer fact that I simultaneously want to be both free and chained at the same time, along with the desperate need to always have excitement in my life, usually leads down completely the wrong path and yet the craving for adventure that bubbles away inside me shows that there is something missing.
The excitement that comes with the thrill of a new mate is second to none, but the thrill doesn’t last long, especially if there isn’t any chemistry between you. Initially there is always the chat, it lures you in, good chat is like a drug it entices you with its humour and charm and then once it’s got you it is hard to find a reason not to go along for the ride. To convince yourself that it will become something.
Once you have had sex with someone you are no longer strangers. You are becoming something, however, short-lived and precarious it might be. The thrill though, unless the sex is particularly mind-blowing is gone, like the infamous honeymoon period in a marriage, only much shorter. You need the whole kit and caboodle to make the honeymoon period become an unexpected dirty weekend or a romantic night in with oils. Longevity comes with compatibility.
The thrill of the chase is not what makes me continually date. For me it is not about wanting something I cannot have or not wanting it when I have it and I question that a lot. The whole I don’t have you, I want you and when I have you I don’t want you because surely if I had you and I wanted you I wouldn’t need to chase. I would have what I wanted and when you have what you want you don’t need to keep chasing. *
I have a date tonight with someone entirely new. I’m excited, because that’s what happens when it’s new, you get excited. He has reeled me in with his charming chat and his properly amazing voice (it really is amazing) and so I was unable to say no to his offer of a drink. Of course, just because he has a voice that would melt the polar ice cap and seems to come from the intelligent brigade doesn’t mean that we will hit it off. The likely hood is that I will be home by 9.30 pm and back online by 10 pm but one can only hope.
I believe in all-encompassing love. It’s my thing. I can’t find it, but that is besides the point. It will not stop me trying, however tiring it might be. Deep down I have a romantic idea and no matter what I try I cannot hide it for long.
It will be tough for me to find a boyfriend, I have some really quite weird quirks but after finally realising some of the things that don’t work for me I might at least have a better idea about what will. That’s the theory anyway!
There has been much discussion about all of the above this week but sometimes I find the more you talk and discuss things with others the more confused you become, until you are so confused you really have no idea what your own thoughts are anymore.
Over analysing can drive you insane!
Poor Eric didn’t even get a mention and that draws a line under that. Does it?
- I just read that back and if you made any sense of it, well done!