Well, It’s been quite the couple of weeks!
There is a new guy on the scene and he kind of appeared out of nowhere. I would say in the first instance that he is not my cup of tea, but I say that about everyone, so let’s not take too much notice of that.
I came to a rather alarming conclusion this week and that is the realisation that I am not looking for Mr Right, should he even be out there. *thoughtfulface
I know, I know! One day I will make up my fucking mind. However, in a conversation at work with the buddies, who it has to be said are both completely sane and rational (most of the time) and probably know me better than I know myself, we had a lightbulb moment.
It was this…
My one dream has never been to get married, to find true love or to be parent. Nor has it ever been to have a big house or plenty of money, or to have a high-flying job. It has always been to travel.
Over the years my endless search for this that and the other has turned up not much and while I have never really been entirely sure what I was searching for, I have always been of the opinion that when I find it, I will just know. That’s how it works right? The lightening bolt moment? You know the moment when all of a sudden the realisation hits that this is what you have been searching for, that it is this that makes you feel at ease, at one with yourself, you are happy and have a feeling of contentment that takes that constant yearning for ‘something’ away.
I have a pact with a friend of mine that once my children are self-sufficient (as if there is even such a thing? In fact my own Mother would dispute whether at the ripe old age of 47, I am self-sufficient or not and I would probably have to agree with her), is there ever an age where you are not needed by someone for something? However, at a point in my life when I have completed my duties if you like and my children are off on their own adventures, we are going to have ours, my friend and I. That has always been the deal. The dream.
We will stick a pin in the map and go…
My greatest desire, if we are not counting short-term pleasure, is to travel. To see every inch, corner and pocket of our beautiful planet, well at least those you can reasonably get to without the need for camels or men with machine guns. I have always had wanderlust and as child I used to mark out the places I would visit when I was a grown-up in an old atlas, whatever happened to it I don’t know, but the hankering is still there. The only trouble is, I’m a bit late with the growing-up part.
The sudden realisation that after all these years spent wondering why I have never found the one, is maybe because don’t want to, is a startling one.
I have always only really been looking for the one right now and not the forever one, because forever is a long time and I have plans for forever.
I know that most of you will be thinking that if and I do mean IF, I happen to fall hopelessly in love and the man of my dreams falls out of the sky (who by the way changes on a weekly basis, so let’s not pin too much on that either), I will gladly change my forever plans or my forever plans can be adapted, or shared with said man of my dreams and while that is in theory a nice idea at the moment is as likely as me winning the lottery and I don’t do the lottery!
I have always been afraid of commitment but I never really knew why. I always put it down to past relationships and the fact they were largely so unfulfilling, but I suppose now in hindsight, maybe? it was always about freedom. Having the freedom to be your own person and make your own decisions is something that I have issue with. I am I suppose quite selfish in that way. I have always believed that I am not really ‘cut out’ for relationships because I struggle to share. You will say it is all about compromise and when you are in the right relationship this will come easily and maybe that is true, but this makes it all the more clear to me that I have not been in the right relationships, as this was a real sticking point for me. I struggle to compromise.
Maybe I am too used to being my own boss?
I have firm ideas about what a relationship should be and what I want from life and while it might not be easy achieving some of the ideals I set myself, I can’t help but think that anything else is just a compromise.
Therefore, when Napoleon sailed in, my first thought was.. Hmm, he will be fun for a while.
Napoleon is an adventurer and at first glance he seems a lot like me. He is sharp, funny, intelligent and a great kisser. He is not what you would call ruggedly handsome, although he is handsome, in a quirky, geeky way. He looks like a string bean with glasses, but there is something I like about him, I think it is his casualness, he seems so genuinely relaxed and comfortable with himself and around others. There is a confidence about him that is very attractive and he makes me feel like I am the sexiest woman on the planet (although I did go to great lengths for our second date so he bloody well should) and for that he gets a massive 10.
There is an attraction, a chemistry between us and while I am obviously quite reserved about the fact that I like him (I had to practically force it out of my mouth yesterday when I was telling my friend about him over coffee.. SO? she questions, yeah he seems nice, I return. AND? she says.. Oh you know, we’ll see how it goes, at the moment he is good fun, good company.. FFS DO YOU LIKE HIM? erm, well.. yeah… erm, maybe! OH My God you can say it out loud you know, you won’t be struck by lightning! OK. alright.. I like him, there!), he is indeed someone who could possibly float my boat for quite some time.
I am not going to forecast anything more than that for now, I am not one for tempting fate. So far we have been on a few dates with the added benefit of him being relatively local, unlike Pete, who is still hanging on in there, just. We are meeting again this evening for what might be a first for me if I go through with it.. and I’ll just leave that there if I may…