As some of you may already know, recently I visited a naked spa with Napoleon, who was, ?is (actually, I am not entirely sure of our current status), my latest online dating beau.
It was my first time to a naked spa and I was more than a little anxious about the whole idea, but as usual my reckless sense of adventure and unnatural curiosity made me the ideal candidate for such a trip, at least in Napoleon’s very open-minded eyes.
Saying NO! is a real weakness of mine.
So if you want to start at the beginning I suggest you start here and if you are breathlessly waiting for the next instalment, then get a bag of kettle chips or something to nibble and get comfy.
*Disclaimer This may not be as exciting as you might think…
Napoleon and I are mingling.
I am still a little over-anxious about making too much eye contact with anyone. I can’t quite make up my mind where to look and although most people are covered by what can only be described as a rather unbecoming burgundy towel (standard issue here) I still feel very conscious that I might be staring a little too hard at the varying amounts of flesh on show. I am naturally curious about everyone and want to look at them but obviously I don’t want them to see me looking.
As we sip our cooled water on a rather large brown leather sofa (which it is quite hard not to stick to – hot skin and leather, not a great combo) pretending like we come here everyday, Napoleon once more tells me how it all works and where everything is. I get a better sense of it all now though, now I am on the inside. It is smaller than I thought though, although we haven’t really ventured anywhere yet, but here in the lounge/diner/reception, it is small and quiet and people are mostly just talking amongst themselves. Most have come from other areas, for a break Napoleon tells me. You can come and go as you please, he says. Have some time in the steam room, maybe and then when you feel like a drink or need to cool down you can come back here while you decide what you would like to do next. So, Shall we?
Shall we? Shall we what? Hold on a moment, I’m not sure I’m ready? Where are we going EXACTLY? What will I be doing EXACTLY? Who will be there EXACTLY?
All of a sudden I am a gibbering wreck, again!
Before today one of the things I liked most about Napoleon was his very gentlemanly behaviour, he is very chivalrous and will not walk ahead of you, expect you to open a door or sit down before you do, he also stands up when you do, which is weird I’ll admit and makes it very tempting to just keep getting up all the time for no reason other than it is funny, he is very Downton Abbey. Today though I don’t want to walk through doors first or for him to walk behind me, even if he has got his hand on the small of my back, I want to hide behind him and be invisible, knowing he is there is not enough, I need a shield, someone to hide me from the prying, curious eyes that are watching me.
I feel like I have a neon sign on my head saying ‘NEWBIE’ and it is winking at anyone who so much as glances in my direction.
I should mention I haven’t even taken my towel off yet!
Now though that time is upon me and unless I am going to get in to the jacuzzi with the bloody burgundy towel still wrapped around me I am going to have to drop it, right here, right now and pretend that I do this all the time.
There are three couples already in the jacuzzi and they are all blatantly watching and smiling as they acknowlede our arrival, I can’t help but think of Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, it looks like they want to eat us alive. I’m sure that guy just licked his lips in anticipation of new flesh arriving to gorge on.
Trying to ease myself gracefully into the jacuzzi was going to be trickier than I first thought. It was deep and for some reason (still largely unknown to me) I decided I didn’t want to turn my back on the crowd, well they might see my bottom! As opposed to everything at the front like my fanny, oh and my breasts! There is no logic here…
I tried walking down metal steps like I was coming down the stairs at home, only at home I have a bannister to hold on to, the stairs don’t just plunge straight in to water and I am NOT fucking naked. Therefore as I awkwardly navigated what I thought was the last step I put my foot out to feel what I hoped was the floor of the jacuzzi, only to find I was nowhere close. Plunging my 5 ft frame in to almost 5 ft of bubbling liquid I just about managed to keep my head out of the water while inside I am screaming, dying, and crying all at the same time, not sure what to worry about first, my hair, my fear of drowning or the fact that SOMEONE IS TOUCHING ME!
It’s OK. Don’t panic. He thought I was going under.
Napoleon is staring at me in amazement as I bob around in the water, not sure what the fuck I am supposed to be doing and trying desperately to remain on tip toe, so as not to ruin my hair.
Why is it so deep? I mean I know I am a midget, but Jesus you could drown in here!
As Napoleon’s 6 ft frame gracefully glides through the water towards me, I want to scream at him for making me do this at the same time as I want to curl up in his arms and have him stroke my hair, whispering comforting words in my ear. Then with absolutely no fuss whatsoever he just lifts me towards him, turns me around and plonks me on the tiled seating around the edge next to the guy who tried valiantly to save me, or touch me up, I’m still not sure which.
Then as if nothing untoward has happened (nothing to see here) he calmly engages in conversation with said ‘saviour of the day’ and asks him if it has been busy today. WTF! Small talk? I have to make small talk?
I would like you to take a moment to picture the scene…
The hero of the hour is a portly gentleman with a very pretty and quite obviously curvaceous wife/partner/friend/whobleedingknows, he is sat right next to me while she is the other side of him, Napoleon is to my left. Opposite us there is a younger couple in their thirties maybe, he is bloody gorgeous and although I can only see his chest from here it is a fine specimen. For a few seconds I marvel at my lack of planning with the seating arrangements, as the portly guy chatters away in my ear. He introduces us to his ‘friend’ Cherie, who smiles warmly at me and says, first time? For a moment I am tempted to laugh and say No, whatever gave you that idea!
As we ‘get to know each other’ I am very conscious about getting to close to portly guy, I don’t want my skin to touch his skin, it will creep me out. I keep looking down and then trying not to gasp as I remember we are all naked and I am even more conscious of Cherie’s enormous bosom, which is happily dancing around before my eyes, as we talk about kitchens and bathrooms and how lovely the tiles are in here.
Am I dreaming?
Suddenly I notice the two couples opposite leaving, they stand on the side of the Jacuzzi chatting, Jesus Christ but he is gorgeous, I am trying not to make it too obvious that I would like to lick him all over but it’s a struggle. None of them seem in a hurry to cover themselves and as they stand chatting one of the guys is touching both of the women, it is very subtle but he has his arm around his ‘partner’ and is stroking the arm of the woman with hot bod. I disengage from the conversation about kitchens as I try to work out if they all know each other, they seem friendly but then everyone seems friendly in here. It is not the sort of place you could come if you didn’t want to get up close and personal with people.
I was becoming a bit bored with portly guy and while Cherie seemed very nice I was getting the impression that they would happily swing with us if we so desired and if I’m going to be frank, I didn’t. I didn’t desire it at all. Thank you very much.
The gorgeous guy opposite though was clearly very happy to do an exchange as he wandered off towards the steam room with the other guys wife/partner/friend/whobleedingknows, I have given up guessing the relationship status of anyone in here. It is a couples evening but that just means you need to be male/female nothing else. To be fair you could have picked someone off the street outside, no one asks any questions or even cares, except me. I want to know. Why? I don’t know, I just do.
Napoleon asks me if I would like to try the steam rooms. I think for a moment of the hot body that has just wandered off in that direction and I am sorely tempted, will it turn me on being in a hot, humid room full of steam, watching hot bod and whoever it is in there, get it on? I doubt it. At the moment I am too nervous to be aroused, I can’t think of anything further from my mind right now than an orgasm.
Should I be thinking about hot bod at all while I am sitting naked next to Napoleon, who for this experiment at least is my partner, albeit a fairly new one? I also wonder why I am not overly concerned about Napoleon being surrounded by so many beautiful women? Would it bother me to see him with someone else? I don’t think so.
It has to be said that the female body is much more pleasing to eye than that of the male one, in my opinion. One thing I have noticed so far is that the women are really quite attractive, they are all shapes and sizes but most are good-looking and have great bodies, whether they are slim, curvy or somewhere beyond.
No wonder Napoleon loves this place so much. Men definitely get the better end of the deal.
As we say our see you laters to portly guy and Cherie, Naopleon and I head off to the steam rooms. I am once again wrapped in the comfort of my burgundy towel, even if it is only for five minutes, while Napoleon is letting it all hang out, well he’s regular on the scene, apparently. Once more I notice how big that penis of his is and it makes me wince just a little bit.
Perhaps I will consider a swap after all…